As we crumple down the heavy burdens that we carry and state the unease of the love we have - we then realize that what is necessary is to do more. To tap into the depth of our spirit and get the strength to rise again is difficult but that is what life is, not throwing in the towel.
We perish every day
Dying to ourselves means sacrifice. That embrace the pain thing I can't figure out. I do know the meaning of sacrifice as I do give up things that I hold dear for someone else's life. Like in a song, "Whatever doesn't kill you make you stronger." this holds true and it is tough to believe the battering a heart can to take and not break before reality steps in.
Holding on to a drunken love was not right.
It was passion and beauty, the unfaithfulness did not hurt as it should have as it was a dream. Then, the love found me, waiting there, seated constantly, saying yes to my every whim, more than half a lifetime ago. It was Casablanca and within the white trellis walls, champagne bubbled with delight of the moments together. We ran across the streets hand in hand, collapsed to the floor, laughed until the dawn, refusing to leave each other.
Caught in between, giving up, as his gentleness enfolded me, the tears fell on his shoulder. Hold me, I had asked, and he did like he would never let me go. "Never say never as it is a long time.' and my answer was "Always." as I made the decision to no longer stay though he was always seated, waiting for me to come back. Over the years, he had asked, "Again? You left another man again?" and I would say his name, not saying another word, and he once said, "What am I to do now?". The cycle is complete, there must be no other lifetime, as I stood my ground, and it came to a point that I no longer hear him call my name.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
In the book, "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, he speaks on love and as extolled as it is, it can be horrible, akin to suffering. The emotions are as such and I am not worthy of such. It is brilliant, wonderful, all things in its essence but.we are but human, we are just weak, we seek pleasure and have desires, and it is not the soul that speaks.
To transcend and embrace the offer.
As souls must be, it happens, once again arises, this love that lasts for eternity that must be fulfilled in this lifetime. To struggle and drown in tears is preferable as pain, tears, hurt, longing, these words are not in my vocabulary. It's like an evil trend in my life to see once again the same soul that has lived in waiting. No, don't wait as I cling on to safety, turning around everywhere as that engulfs me. No, I cry and run away holding on to my ground. No. I so hate that word.
Trust is a condom that you can buy at the drugstore.
I live today, holding on to what I see, and in knowing. What is trust, indeed, as knowing that love can hurt you, there is no heart on a plate, and with a measure of hate. I can see it wait and I must wait, and can't wait, as I do not transcend these matters even if I hear his soul calling my name, once again, loud and clear.
All an illusion, my mind says.
As I keep on thinking, nothing works. Sulking doesn't working, working doesn't work, running doesn't work, drinking doesn't work. In my mind I see what is to come and it isn't easy as it should be. An illusion. That unbreakable bond that holds me is strong but all in my mind. My mind hurts as I refuse to fall, even with knowing, as I must be wrong as that is what logic tells me. It's a decision and I am not making it as there is no reason to make it. My head hurts, my heart stops, my soul knows, and I feel so weak that I refuse do more even when asked.
I take the blame. Dying inside is easier by not seeing. Stopping things is easier just by hurting. It's a crazy world we live in and though perfect, we are but human and have our flaws. To embrace love, life, and seize the day isn't easy and one must do what they have to, yet, I do believe that life is not measure by out days but those special moments that take our breath away.
I have had that moment. Is that the only way? No.
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