The tales untold do unfold of trust, betrayal, and broken promises

Acceptance of the neglect, lousy treatment, abuse, being used, pulled down, emotional manipulation, economic oppression, and the endless dangling of a dream are very difficult. 

We have choices to shun, fight, answer back, stand up for ourselves, wait, keep quiet, or move on. The choices that we make defines us and paves the way to future happiness and the present state of mind.

Lack of acceptance drives us to anger, actions, pleading, trying for manipulation, and even may drive us insane. 

For the lack of what we need and want, there are blank walls that fill the spaces. When a door closes, another opens, and so on. But then, knocking on the same door, knowing what will occur when trusting in the person, we must accept that the person is human. 

There are unforgivable mistakes. Some make us depreciate and deteriorate. Others make us dive down to situations that we scream in silence for mercy and are left unheard. 

The tales untold do unfold. Tug at the emotional heartstrings is useless. Ask for logic is also deemed as meaningless. Ask for ethical behavior is also not possible. 

Do not ask. 

The person has a brain to think if they use it. If there is empathy, it will come out. If there is sympathy, it will be shown. But, there are narcissists and other disorders, and sometimes, we have to accept the person, despite their behavior, to take the good with the bad. 

Yah, right. So I am writing this now. 

Borderline sarcastic. 

Trust me, and it is useless to speak up. 

Thus, the boiling rage remains inside. There is no time for a fight, as the others draw from your being and do not make you a priority in their life when they need you. 

Such is life, and life goes on to seek waters that are to flow with happiness and satisfaction with a symbiotic relationship that puts your needs and wants first. 

For that man who loves me

 

Is this fiction? 

The waking dream becomes a reality that unfolds into such lovely things that surround my daily life. It oozes with complacency, security, with no fear, and no demands. There is no need to ask as all given, even before I ask. With the needs met, what is there to do but become content? 

That is the love. It is thoughtful. It does not neglect. It is a step ahead. It was there on time. On call anytime. Is there ahead of time—fights the battles through time and goes for the win. 

Trust me; it's something I didn't know existed. 

In this life filled with trivial pursuit games, blinding baits, misleading ploys, and those alluring romance trysts, it all gets nullified by that one that truly loves me. 

Looking back, it does develop, building blocks of sincerity, and then it one day unfolds to that comfort level that states, here are seeds, to make these grow. And, in wonderment, the statement remained unanswered, yet with the hope of more to propagate for the future. 

Interesting. In retrospect, there is no need for anyone else except for the one who loves me.

There are soliloquies written in the pain of many a love spoken and the tales of neglect, lack of many things, and broken promises.  This love does not fail me. There are no hopes that are not fulfilled. No promises that have failed. 

My heart is still. 

The drudgery that is a tradgedy: life-changing is not going to happen, right?

We live for certain days when all is nice and perfect but during these pandemic times, those days are few and far between. Still, there are good days that happen and there are moments that take our breath away, and we become overwhelmed with delight and gratitude. 

Don't ask as the answer will be no 

Perhaps during the various stages of this crisis, the worst has happened when I simply followed. There is no one to blame but myself as we do have uncertain times and nothing is written in stone. Faith, hope, and believing all meltdown into one fabulous package. Still, the trust is there, no matter what the fails. Releasing such things brings about a lightness of feeling and as much as we have experienced also being rejected and scorned when we are down and out, other people can feel that also. So, just be nice and steady, as that is the way the cookie crumbles. 

Yet, in turning around and being stuck in a situation, beseeching for help is difficult. There are some that are easy to talk to while others that we dare not even ask. At what point in time does it turn into a demand? At what point in time will a person become a nag?

When needs are not met, it is natural to look somewhere else. 

Why is it like that? I guess... I triggered off someone by saying, hello, I don't see the sacrifice. Why does it have to be me to sacrifice.. so I have wonderful Facebook posts and seem like it is a grand life, and yet I withered away, dragging myself up from self-pity as there is hardly any pity left in the hearts of those who must be there but aren't really there. It pains me, yet, do not ask as the answer will be no, as truly, there is minimal care, and it's like a bad joke, you know, and no one is laughing. 

The past two days have brought about a rise in... shall I say, interest? Why is it like that? Is it the cold weather with Valentine's just around the corner? I get a message demanding my reason... Bump into someone and get a play... Please, not my cup of tea, not him, and not with me. I would rather watch CNN. The most hilarious was the evasive move of a bee-factor, in a hurried attempt not to cross my path. Why, what did I do? I am not guilty or whatever is going through the radical mind, it doesn't matter coz I am not interested, either. 

Haven't been going to that area, but I had to do so today. The last time I went there it was much more pleasant, as I got to talk to the ones that I wanted to, and it was pleasant exchanges. Geez, this New Year seems to throw a wrench in things, but then, I step back and breathe. It has been difficult, far more difficult than I have ever experienced before. There are limitations that I have such as my arm aching, and I simply accepted the change and move my thumb, and cringed in pain. I was clogged up with a bad amount of phlegm, as it has been cold, and didn't tell a soul until I pulled myself out. I couldn't lie down on my back, and that has changed after a grueling sleepless night. 

Pleasant days 

Then, those pleasant days that could be as simple as my grandchild dropping by, and my dog learning how to poop on the bathroom floor and finally eating dog food, coz it was gourmet, and she only likes gourmet dog food. oh yes... simple thing and wonderful things and more, that keep me going. 

As I contemplate on going to a utility company tomorrow, it is not easy to decide. Budget wise, I would be hanging on a limb, but my concern that I have to fix is making me hang on a noose. I dread the cold morning and the time that I would have to leave. I dread it yet dread the consequences, even more, still I hesitate. 

With the acceptance that all things hoped for are just that, and those rose-colored glasses have already fallen to the bottom of a river, there are still pleasant days, and I am grateful. Life-changing isn't going to happen until we release whatever restrictions we have in our mind, and actually see that the limitations that are not physical is what we bind as our limitations. 

Growing more than plants during this the pandemic year of my life

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It has nearly been a year since the lockdown. Time has passed by with moments filled with one chat mate having nearly 5 thousand messages. I was taken aback. Then, the days are filled with gardening and the nights include observing how cuttings grow. 

Only during the crisis did I ever pay attention to our yucca plants. And, a lot of changes have happened in the year past, like my grandchildren moving out, and I feel a lot older, sometimes sadder, at times, happier. But, the ever-present danger of contracting the virus bears heavily on my mind. 

As today I venture back into writing, it is the right thing to do. Gardening does have benefits and makes me earn, and so does cooking and baking, but writing does hurt my arm. As I looked for writing samples, I stumbled upon a completed e-book of mine, and a few more, well a lot more articles and ebooks that are tucked away in my yahoo mail. 

Growing plants is not an overnight thing and nor is writing. I have neglected my blog, seldom posting my thoughts as sometimes it affects people adversely. But, it is writing... just thoughts, emotions, feelings, all in words to weave the pattern.. 

Here I go again drifting. Today started off with worries, as usual. It is not very easy on me but I am trying. God provides yet, I do have to go back to writing as I cannot burden others, and even if I will use a brace again, during this pandemic mess, life leaves us limited choices. 

Today I was given plants and overwhelmingly wonderful ones. Gardening is one thing I like doing, and yes, will continue... writing is one thing I love and it is what I am, aside from the many hats that I wear, on various occasions. Woke up at dawn. Had a long nap, and now, it is back to the drudgery of creating web content which is vital in today's world, which is mostly online. 

The pandemic strife and wanting the samgyup life back

As the prices of fresh food escalate in the groceries, I make it a point to go to the market as often as possible. It's a bit further from home and entails quite a bit of a trek for me to get to buy my other requirements like medicine, but with the savings obtained from buying meat like beef, and basic essentials like onions, it is well worth it. The prices at the grocery make fresh fruits burn a hole in the pocket and rather than spend exorbitant amounts on a bunch of bananas, I prefer not to buy there. But the comfort level of going to the grocery is surely an advantage for me but trained to be frugal by default, it is off to the market for me. 

A trip to the market 

It was the day after Christmas. I watched as a lonely calamansi rolls off the vendor's stand, and walk by to see the overflowing produce, left unsold even if it is late in the afternoon. It's a frogger game to move about in the sidewalk, evading potential virus-laden people who might be positive but we have come to the point of not caring at all. Moving on with a mask and a face shield that is propped up on the head like a cap, unbreathable air quality, not due to the usual market smell but because of the virus. 

Where is the fear? 

It does not exist. Driven by hunger, and yes, that is the reason. It's a common sight, those pandemic sad eyes, the no staring at the face, the slow walk, and then, when even the fat has visibly lost weight. So many thin people, haggard, as the sword of Damocles hangs over our head and then the impending electricity bills that have made the whole country become more upset when the bills were computed incorrectly. So, it is January, and the bills have to be paid, and good news comes that there is a refund based on overcharging since 2017 - which is then swept away and brings us down much lower to find out that the evilness of the Meralco includes us having to pay for being undercharged for another section and it will cost more. 

Driven by hunger. 

Driven by cravings. Strife brings about wanting to eat well. It is ridiculous to think that we can eat a fiesta daily or that rich food is to be served on the table always. The pandemic has brought about the option to give up buying our favorite brands for the less expensive brand, or the same brand with the less expensive options. I did a line reduction from Gardenia classic to their NueBake, but it did not have the thickness I prefer, so I changed to buying their soft pandesal. Exploring other options suchs as from Purefoods to their Star brand is not for me, as I am accustomed to the distinct taste of Purefoods. However, it made me try Swifts, and it turned out to be quite good. 

Driven by cravings. 

Oh, what the samguypsal of the Koreans has done to us. It's the dream indulgence during the pandemic life. For that divine unlimited meal, samguyp is king. Hence, many a table had a cooker in the middle during Christmas and New Year, with their own version of DIY samgyup, and so did I and my daughter, who discovered that nearly all the veggies of samguyp have the same basic marinade which is composed of garlic, sesame seeds, sesame oil, and soy, so she made kangkong into a samgyup side dish. 

Driven by stock. 

This is, for me, the worst part of the pandemic life. Those summer days were the worst, and even now that it is crunch time, it is surely a horrible experience. When it was difficult to go into the grocery coz of the long lines and the limited capacity, it became not just panic buying but buying to not go back. Panic buying turned into another peg, like completing all that was on the list. Learning how to do without, maybe bread and opting for crackers instead was my adjustment, as the bread shelves would be either empty or you would be stuck with having to buy the most expensive kinds or brands that you don't want to eat.

Since before Christmas, with the difficulties that I have encountered, my kitchen has been driven by stock and I don't like it. Practicality has its limits and it's been too long since I have been alleviated from the rabbit hole I went into. So, I didn't buy ordinary soy sauces coz I have teriyaki, Korean soy, oyster sauce, and another kind of Korean sauce.. Adobo has changed its dimension? No, I didn't cook that. With a whole load of butter, I didn't buy oil but that also does not work for cooking some food items, so I use the grill, however, that also becomes lame. Turning again to making the undisputable major changes that drove me into a deep depression, so deep that I sold my Christmas tree and it made it become a pain relief, the changes addressed the survival mode, and my fitting into my favorite pair of pants again. 

How I wish there was a hotel event that I could go to. How I wish there was a tech event. How I wish that I could blog about restos again. So, I made my own food bit then, practicality and cooking for one made it an overflow that is impossible for me to like. From a pack of macaroni, I made two dishes, and ate that five times. I now hate macaroni. I bought ramen, and ate one pack three times, and now I balk at ramen. I have fish, and up to now, I am down to the last piece, same with hotdogs. Variety cost and I have to make it through until I find another source of income because I think I have been royally ripped off, but then, how can I squeeze blood from a stone?

This morning addresses a backtrack into the endearing days of my life. I woke up at dawn. In letting go, I do not turn rancid nor bitter. Having high expectations amounts to nothing but disappointment. Expecting value and fair treatment will ensure that it will not happen from no maintenance, especially from those who seek their luxurious level of life. Being meek is the solution, downtrodden as it may seem, even comparing the misfortune of others to mine provides no solace at all. Divine hurt is something that is placed in an index card of my mind, and as the illusion that there is not enough is waved, then I realize, that there will never be enough as even return is not possible when I am in need. 

Comes to light during this pandemic strife are the offerings that are made, some are real, some are delayed. Perhaps the truest one is from that one who has nothing at all, is wiped out, in the worst situation, and sacrificed to give me my Christmas. Then, there is the one that is there, who has the readiness peppered with curt advice and makes sure I don't drop. Then, the attorney that makes the effort to call me out of my stupor, knock on the door for me to move, and, yes, saved me from the major problems I am facing, and it isn't over yet.

Such is life, and taking the good with the bad in stride makes up for it, as my love makes excuses for others in my mind, making their failing me a matter of allowing them to do so, and accepting that it is the way it is. Everyone has their own beat and keeping expectations low means that there is no disappointment. Do the drop, it's a dance step in this rigodon of society that makes it necessary for many to have the utmost comforts of life, and achieving their peg for their own goals that means their success. 

As I will defrost the last piece of fish later, knowing that what I have on hand is from the value of a couple of people who struggle, it brings it all down to mindfulness. It's my best friend that tells me off and forcing me to accept a gift. It is my arm pain that is gone that I will bring back again. It's this blog post to drive me back to writing, as I have finished books that I have left unpublished, weighing if my life work of the culinary dictionary is to be a website, and if my guide to learning Tagalog should be an app. It's mindfulness, and I have been said to overthink, but it's the little things that count that make me go on from day to day. In my life, have closed a lot of doors, and in the lockdown mode, want sometimes to close more, except that there are some who need me in their lives.

When my depression hit, I wondered, is this being bipolar? Or is it the cutting edge of a knife? Stoic, only forcing myself to eat because of my dog who is accustomed to eating when I do. Turn and justifiably, I can point the blame, but it is useless to do so. Up to now, the many facets of pain, it still lingers in my mind. Will it be addressed by repeated words? Will it be addressed by strife? Will this pandemic ever be over? What I want... what I need. What do I have? 

A can of sardines that I refuse to open. I do not want to eat that. Ran out of dried fish in stock. A few eggs and my new recipe for flan. Some frozen food, and it is food stock. Too much ground coffee I do not drink, more tea than I will ever drink, and half a bottle of Soju. A lot of worries, so I started deep skin peeling my face, much to the horror of one daughter, but I reminded her that I had a skin peeling clinic before. Skin peeling is perfect during the pandemic, as I can wear a mask. Removing the wrinkles from my face, the open pores, the fine lines, and the sign of aging, as I cannot have my usual diamond peel done. 

Pandemic life. It's the world of DIY. It's budgeting, bartering, and smart purchasing. And, it is, right now, horrible life of strife, and I want my samguyp life back. 

Of Expectations

At times, some people expect too much from me. Perhaps I should wear a wrist brace so it would be recalled that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Maybe I should get a person with disability card that says hearing impaired and ortho problem. Maybe I should broadcast all my woes and make an unli list of what is wrong with me. Then, after the toxic, I think...

Though it is unfair to compare how we are treated and the time that we get, as people have their priorities and limitations, I think of those who don't have excuses. They know who they are. However, certain instances make me feel trapped, making me want to say.. what more do you want or I like dancing on eggshells or ah internal conflict or I am a life hack. It is good to deal with people that you feel relaxed.

Perhaps, I will always wear my wrist brace and get my PWD card and put a sign on my hat that I haven't overcome all the challenges that have come my way like everyone else who also has failures. I can berate and say that I am holding on to what was assigned to me, but it doesn't matter when some people do not value what I am fighting for. what I tried doing, what I did, and so on and so on.

So yes, I am just at that point. It's neither here nor there, not this or that, and I won't complain as nothing will be achieved anyway.

Now that's vented. Closure. Inability to edit the past. Analysis. Then that realization that bitterness has no space in my life, and I won't dwell, but we all hurt and hopefully, heal, and learn how not to expect and not settle for low expectation relationships, and appreciate what it was for what it was, and know that failed expectations can go both ways and there are things that aren't possible to just ignore.

Resolve changes, the dust of tomorrow stays there, and the life of today stays

Of Canned Tunes... In disgust, noting a similar factor, that similar statement, re-thinking all the precedents, shaking the foundation to the very core, still holding on to the angels who guard me, to a God that is the belief, the leaves are shed from the trees to reveal light streaming from the canopy above, looking at the forest floor and feeling the coolness, and walking away from the shade of the tree that has been there for decades, to pursue a new path to get out of the forest, to reach the mountain top and see the view, and to reach the highest point of what seems to be the sky, knowing that the universe is there – lasing out with confused and mixed beliefs, holding on to the confirmation of a promise kept golden, the glory becomes no longer powerful but encompassing, as the steps are taken, knowing that there is that good and evil is the absence of, the resolve changes, the dust of tomorrow stays there, and the life of today stays.

The mind states otherwise, and in hesitation, in trying to change what is known to be grounded in this world, the systems begin to be smashed, destroying all that was ever held onto, the days become shattered with the forces moving to propel forward, and the exhaustion that takes over to remove the struggle, it is a giving up thing, as there is no escape. Dramatic, sounding dramatic upon backreading, yet, the lack of drama when there is no discussion is there. What are the controls placed? Who had placed the controls? What is there to control, indeed, as there is the flow? As the others watch in vain, the world is unmasked, and the rules go away, in the lawless land – as what ia fair becomes what is not fair to the stand.

Posted on April 25, 2016

Just the last chapter of the epic fails

As the signs were all there, was it just since mid-Feb, the destructive upheaval of special occasions was noted, as that brings on a cyclic depression, controlled by factors as the depth and height of emotions are the sought-after elements of being alive. Recalling the illusions made alive by tweaking of the mind, in ending the game, by refusing to no longer play, in addressing such matters as fun and a great tale to be told, the confirmation came with a snapback, that it was not fun at all.

Once, twice, three times... as the effort was made to state that all was let go, with blank pages to write a new story, moving on, to discard the tags of an emotional affair that was done to address the blanks, not the person, in recall and observing, to note that the changes were making the holding stronger, the demand was there, to not disregard the story, yet the book was finished, as it was just the last chapter of the epic fails. In closing doors and making new windows, as, during this time, the pages are being filled with a new storyline, that may be the final book to be written, noticing things brings on an overwhelming amount of information for assessment.

Irritated, as the rule of what this society dictate was hurtled, the attention-seeking control, to heed, is not being stopped, information, feedback, and then, the rising in anger, as the vent has been made, the betrayal has been dealt with, and how the door closing made things happen, to know and have heard the whimper of a dog that was leashed by another, in discovering more things to be noted, the same stand remains, and to avoid might be the justified reason, yet to stand unswayed is the reason, as the conflict experienced is internal, that the external factors may no longer harm. 

Posted on April 25, 2016 

Details Escaping

As the memory recall of the start of last week remains clear, the overall view is not present, as the focus was on details. To look up and to face the future, a solitary arm on the table, the reach, and how every vibe said to go with the flow, to look down, and become breathless, as the emotions are tapped, and to base a bond on just feelings would make it sway. To take the time to think, and assess what was already known from the start, that what matters is the heart does not change in the harsh light of reality, the determination was there, not to procrastinate, and to live that next day with the offering. 

The sudden change of response was confusing, as conflict arose to drift into an argument, and settling to make the way for a normal, ordinary day, depriving the upheaval that might have been what was used to. Being consistent, not to continue the journey by moving on without the other, the togetherness must stand, and the recall may not be sufficient, yet the missing of those moments, makes up for creating an ordinary day, filled with assurance, the assurance to stay. 

Routine being a good thing, though the time spent is now limited, things happen to shake the world that is known, the forces are strong, and epic fails upon fails to bring about the creation of a haven, one that has the shelter, one that has the tide, and one that has the peace sought for, amidst the maddening world that dwells on details. The details escape as such is holding on to something too tight, and the space makes the togetherness stand, hopefully, like pillars. To dare not look into the future, to hold back that first step, the sunken feeling does not take over, in the offering of an ordinary day. April 25, 2016

Of Cellphones and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Since my cellphone had slipped out of my fingers on Easter Sunday, that crash had set me back when it came to work. Going to an internet cafe was the routine as my internet provider is still not yet done upgrading and data connection was enough, aside from something that cannot be done on mobile such as picking up links.

Last week, my daughter’s cellphone also fell, and it is in the forever tomorrow it will be fixed repair, and I was able to find at home a basic phone for her to use. The old iPod for connectivity was okay, and I was able to use a hotspot from my daughter’s phone, and when that was broken, I was lent an older iPhone by my other daughter. It has a cracked LCD but it is working fine, and I plan to have it repaired.

As I looked at many cellphones today, the ones that I like are way too expensive as I want one with an HD camera, then I keep on looking at the ones that are for gaming, that can be strapped to the face, and with a control box, and though I am not a gamer, that is so awesome that I can't really settle for less, well, not really as that is silly but that's the way new gadgets do get sold as it has awesome features. I did find one that had a control box but the brand was not that popular, and since I went shopping for cellphones without any intention to buy as I have to study the reviews first, I won't buy unless it is branded, and has other features that I would like.

I might be able to win one or two and I hope that happens, though I just started joining contests again, the percentage of winning is low.

Having pulled out my blogging files and written a few hunting for contact person proposals, to create a tech reviews site or one that has a larger niche to include appliances, is the way to get better projects so I can just work for phones and other things, like maybe a few new kitchen appliances.  There are so many cheap phones but then, I would rather not have those as those are a lousy investment. 

May 1, 2016