We Only Have Today

As storms do always end, when the waters are turbulent, then we must make sure that our boat doesn't sink. We weather the storm and go towards calm waters, where we again get ready for the next storm.


Longer than a Moment. There seems not to be enough time to be with someone or some people that you feel joy with. We wish we had more time for all but that isn't possible. So we build our world around the people that we are near, hoping that we might find the same kind of friendship, companionship, affection, love, and all that jazz, yet can it really happen? The thing to do is to set the tune, make the music, create the harmony. For longer than a moment can we touch someone's life and make a difference.


Think about it and Forget. Though this seems radically difficult, we must not be harsh on ourselves. We ideally should dwell on things, moving forward to make the changes that we want in our lives. Though memories flood and these are what make us what we are today, it many things = think about it and forget. Forget, as we cannot control a lot of things. Forget if it troubles us too much. Don't dwell, don't make it thrive but instead, focus on having what we want, what is good, and what is important.

Cherish. In our lives, there are moments that we cherish. There are people that mean more to us than the rest of the world. There are some that make a difference by just being there, like the air that we breath.

Missing Someone... Wish it could have been different.

Blame the Feeling

The written reflections of a 90 year old woman that I admire moved me to tears. When she was hurt by a loved one, she had forgiven him, and said that nobody is perfect - and to blame it on the feeling.

Blame it on the feeling. Not on other people's fault. Not on failed expectations. Not on the weather. We feel hurt. Don't peg the blame. Peg the feeling.

As I listened to what she wrote being read out loud, I loved the simplicity of the words used, the flow, and the goodness, which showed in what she wrote. Unlike me, anxiety, worry, stress, with that edge of anger, she has none, and maybe that is why she is perky and beautiful at the age of 90.

A glass is a glass but if you say it is a cup, I won't argue -- she said this to me before. She.does that because that kind of argument cannot be won.

Blame it on the feeling.

Applies for many feelings. Sometimes, it's better to be silent. As feelings do change.

Needing Special Attention

It may seem to be normal yet there are certain people who need special attention. I feel that way some days though have drifted back to my quieter mode lately, feeling secure in what I have, what I want, as the universe has been kind to me.

Getting to know a person who lacked peace of mind helped me sort out a lot of things and as abnormal as it may seem, the difference kind of relationship is more supportive than others. Maybe it was the timing, and the special attention was a give and take, and continuous to be a positive one.

Now on to the desperate ones who might need special attention but mainly from a mental health professional. As many are left without treatment, to include yours truly (ah, well) the ones that are controlling seem to want more attention than they deserve as they don't reach out, place boundaries, and dance around people. Not everyone can be fooled all the time, and the need of such people is fed by unhappiness. Though some may have a savior complex, a holier than thou attitude, and are profuse with their complaints about the smallest things, they do need attention but maybe a cold glass of water may douse them back to reality.

Sunset in Samar (photo belongs to Maxi Quema) 

As the continuing story of the man who drives himself to the empty pit of loneliness goes on, the mediocrity of what I had favored has jolted me, making it impossible for the trap to make me fall prey again. It's not a matter of pride, it is a matter of standing firm on the ground, holding on to what I deserve, which is better than the cruel words and lack of sympathy. Since being needy for too long isn't my thing, when I stood up again stronger, the resentment is noted. Simple, I don't need people in my life, as I don't want to use  them. I want people in my life, to be part of my life, and peace above anything else. As I heard him clamoring for attention the other day, there is no olive leaf from me, as I do not want to give hope nor do I want to endure what I did ever again.

Special attention. I saw the unspoken command that was ignored. I heard the statements being made. I saw the effort to ignite jealousy. And I saw the bitterness that pervaded the attitude. I saw how the other person reacted, after saying something else to do something else. I see the lack of eye contact. I hear the emptiness, devoid of sounds of laughter. And know, 100 percent, that it is because of me, and I am glad to say, please proceed with your joyless lives with all the limitations that bog your hearts and minds. Kindly see the lovelight in my eyes ignited by saying yes to life - and people who take control of unhappiness to stop pain from dominating. As the days and nights seem to be tied together for some due to a mediocre life, let me be, as I am happy without the complicated demands that have no real returns.

Have I said enough? My Taipan had said, "Never say never as never is a long time." So I say, "Always."

Life is as beautiful as we make it. I saw a post about appreciating what is there, what is wonderful now, instead of yearning for better things to come. With this, I retire for the night, warm in the glow that comes with the flow from caring that is real. Having poured out my thoughts with this and many other posts, please don't judge or try to look deeper into what I have revealed. After all, I am a writer and these are my stories to weave.

Making the Effort

We think that when we do make the effort, the person would reciprocate. Oftentimes, this isn't the case. So, the thing to do is to relax and let things come naturally, as it is when attention and other things are freely given that we will know that the person does care for us.

Many times we desire that the one we like does like us back. There are those who do and are controlling - and we might have fallen into the trap where we experience being bewildered, confused, and we have to keep on trying to please that person. That trap is lined with pain - and that isn't love, it is simply a control thing, keeping one in a state of obligation and then to note that we have to do more on our part to keep the relationship going, being burden by "guilt trips" and statements that are belittling. Though support might be there, it is rather conditional, and so in trying, we lose ourselves.

Desperate. I know someone who at the point of feeling low about how the relationship turned out, grabbed a hold of someone who paid attention and had the right words to say. The one that was liked was way below the standards and so in the end, when the relationship was force ended as the realization dawned that it won't work out and that the person was a user, the regret is there. Words are empty and actions does speak louder than words though there are words that must be said, such as apologies and commitments.

Is it worth it? There are many relationships that simply fall into place. The comfort level is there. When one tries to level up the relationship, it might not happen as the other person may not have the same thing in mind. At that point in time, even if it is worth it, one has to keep the dignity and if the person does want a different kind of relationship, it can happen, but not because we are the ones making the effort, the effort has to come from the other person.

One of my daughter's once posted in their Facebook status that I, as a mother, had never clipped their wings. I firmly believe that to love someone is to set them free, as they have their own lives, and to be part of mine must be voluntary, because they want to be with me, not because I demand or oblige them. This goes for most relationships that I have, and it is most lovely when it does happen and the person is there for me.

Making the effort. When we hurt, we must assess. How much effort have we made for the relationship to work out? What effort has the person placed into making us happy? What are the compromises, sacrifices, and is the commitment real? Then we will know, as we stand away from the pain inflicted, that though we hold our hearts to protect ourselves, there are relationships that are good, supportive, and do not include pain.

No Longer Listening

Observing the results, knowing that the consequences of the actions and lack of action has made a person become uncomfortable in my presence and it is like that person is guilty of something or maybe their emotions are overwhelming, though I firmly believe it is pride that makes the rift become much bigger that it should be. 

At this point in time, due to the pain that was inflicted and the unbelievable attitude that make me wonder why in heaven's name one can think they can control others by a look, and then I realized that after a while, when the wound has healed, no scar remains, as the pain is purely emotional, based on expectations that was actually based on the fact that there was trust on my part. 

Once the trust was shattered and the high notes of one who did not base the relationship on the need of the other, instead only fulfilling their own need to be needed, and since I got back on my feet, there was not acceptance instead the desire to be needed once more. Though I am grateful for that person being there, in retrospect, the underlying lie was the one that cracked the relationship. I have done my part as I did try to bridge the gap by being nice and still do try but without hardly any effort now, as the treatment should be one of acquaintance only - and what happened was that the person acts like in a card game, first it was pass, then game, then now that I have folded and am no longer interested in playing anymore, the tragic fact is that that I see that the regret is there - and it's not my regret, nor it is it my tragedy, nor is it my problem as I am no longer listening. Tuned out, no longer want to play games, talk to me straight. 

Short of pathetic, I hear him talking about a topic that only I would be interested in to other people as I am within hearing range. The volume got higher and the speech pattern was clearer, and being attuned to many things, I notice and inside I wonder why and know why I can hear but am no longer listening as aside from the underlying lie that broke my trust, another thing happened that confirmed that my confiding to a friend became information gathering and so I planted a lie and that was broadcasted so effectively that it did serve the purpose.

In reflection, relationships that are founded on an underlying lie or maybe a motive such as money, comfort, control, climbing the social ladder, are that for Nokias, who are people that are user-friendly. Though I don't mind being useful, a user-relationship does dissolve through time and that is good as it should not be the case.

Author's note: I had not published this one yesterday, as I thought I might have been sour graping but then after a good night's rest and reviewing it, I realize that I did not. And, though second and third chance should ideally always be given, if I feel empty when giving and it is a constant sacrifice, plus that the control factor of the relationship is constricting, then I am not longer "present".

No people were used in the process of creating this post.

My Food and Beverage Anxiety Triggers

I can eat a lot though it doesn't show that much. I can also drink a lot. I love eating and drinking yet often have to say no to many of my favorite things. 

When asked by a friend what triggers my anxiety, I knew the answer. What mostly triggers my anxiety (aside from negaTrons around me) are certain food and beverages and/or lack of it. 

As alcoholic drinks suppresses the suppressant, as my late husband used to say, controlling one's emotions, or shall we say, libido, while drinking is possible, especially if you aren't interested. Downing too much results in a hangover the next day. Drinking too often does bring up the tolerance level. Yet, in my personal opinion, drinking does not cause my anxiety, it is other triggers that bring it on. 

Water is vital for health. Other beverages like juice, especially the non-sugary kind, does help. Then we have our other favorite beverages like coffee and tea with the guidelines of limiting the intake of coffee to 3 cups a day, and for tea, I don't know and maybe drinking endless cups of Japanese green tea is good for the health but of course, all things should be taken in moderation. Milk is another thing to drink and it's not just for babies. Most of us know how much water we should drink in a day and a while back, I had advised a friend to drink at least 8 glass of water a day and it was surprising how it became a positive thing as he did not only take it upon himself to do so but encouraged others to do so also. I don't really like saying things and giving out advice as we all know that we should drink water, choose healthy juices, regulate our caffeine intake, lessen or completely eliminate drinking soda, have a calcium intake, and though I have a high intake of water as I nearly always have a glass of ice water on hand, and admittedly, take a sugar-free energy drink that I so totally love because of the 1,000 mg of taurine that it contains, making me feel that my brain is "limitless" like the movie, lately I have been careful to giving out advise as hey, people should already know what they are doing wrong and since I am not that perfect (ehem) I hesitate, though I do know that coffee does give me anxiety, especially if the cup is not a good brew and ultra strong. 

With the coming back home of one of my daughters, Maxi, who is into healthy food and with my youngest child, Almond, being that way too, the food that is being cooked and served at home is leveling up in inventiveness. I made lemon pepper chicken with instant noodles and green beans, Maxi made tofu spaghetti with carrots and green beans, and Almond made marsala chicken with vegetables. Today, I made boiled ground beef with cabbage, simmered with onion leeks and peppercorns. 

Spaghetti with tofu and veggies

Mushroom moringa milky pasta 

 My main problem is that I only eat when I am hungry, though I try to change that by making sure I eat at a certain time, and today, I did indulge in junk food which is a filler and the munching makes me feel better, as it is what my Dad used to call, "nervous eating" when he would eat nuts and his other favorite snacks. 

Having stepped out often since April, again, I noted that healthy food and beverage choices are not easy to make with the number of restaurants, especially fast food places, that serve such good (and mostly fried) food. I haven't cooked fried chicken that often since Dad passed away, as I hardly stock up on oil, so when out, the allure of those fast food places is strong. And, having this thing that my kids call my "potato fix", I do have to eat French fries, mashed potatoes, and the occasional hash brown. To find good vegetable dishes while eating out isn't that easy, though the small stalls have these, the options are to eat Chinese, Korean, and Filipino food, and opting to have a salad or a rich tomato soup in other places. Comparing iced teas, some are too sweet, while others are just right, and though there are natural juices, the sweeteners should be considered. 

Then the sweet stuff that most of us crave for. That sugar high doesn't last that long and it does trigger my anxiety, making me crash after, and that was when I just had to drink Coke with every meal. I was able to get rid of drinking Coke and no longer buy it for the house unless there is a special occasion. Ice cream is one of my favorite things and during this year's summer, I had ice cream nearly every day. 

Going on a diet is an every day decision and it's not easy. For me, it is a combination of drinking a lot of ice water, limiting sweets and not buying these, choosing the fruit option, eating vegetables as often as possible, taking small and frequent meals, not buying junk food regularly, limiting my coffee intake to a cup a few times a week, detoxing regularly, walking, standing after eating and choosing to stand instead of sit, and other things done for a healthier lifestyle. I try not to preach though as I do have my failings and it is my personal decision to avoid food and beverages that bring about my anxiety attacks, and though I am sometimes weak and give into those delectable temptations, it becomes an indulgence instead of a constant thing. 

As I was planning what to cook for dinner today, my thoughts drifted and I ended up making a questionnaire:

How often have you said you will diet?
How many glasses of water do you drink?
How many servings of fruits and vegetable do you have in a week?
How many fried dishes and sweet treats do you have weekly?
What are your beverages of choice?
Do you eat a lot of junk food?

This list of questions can go on and on, and I may provide advice but then, as most people know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to food intake, then no matter what I say, it is a personal decision to make the changes and it is a good idea to start making the changes, today. 

Risk-Free Love

I trekked home early yesterday. The rainy weather made me want to lie down and rest, and as I had to buy butter and the walk back to where I usually hang out was a hassle because of the rain, it was time to go home. And today, as I stayed in as the rains were strong like the past few days and since I could, I made a local Mojito using Tanduay white run, local mint, a bit of sugar, and orange juice. It was quite good and then I fell asleep late in the afternoon to wake up after dinner time and it was nice to see that my daughter had cooked dinner which was lemon-pepper chicken fried in butter. Ate this with kimchi and since tomorrow never dies when there is extra rice, I am revitalized, getting much needed rest and food intake. Made a cup of tea as there is no longer any coffee at home, the mind doesn't stop working, does it? Not brain dead, though today was productive, I am at a point in time that I don't want to make any decisions as it is just today that I wish to think about.

I have been worried indeed about something. And, blame it on anxiety. Ah, and to make matters worse, there is another thing that has been troubling me and I will have to check on this matter. Though it's been great overall, I have no complaints, it must be me, and though I do have so many things that I must and can do, what I want to do is at the top of my mind and heart. Still, in knowing that we can't push things, that time is on our side, that tomorrow the sun will shine even if there are rain clouds that cover it, and people do come into our lives for a reason, I try and blog away my thoughts so I can focus, which doesn't really work that well but at least - venting is good.

Going back to the title, as I randomly strayed, again, from the topic that was to be written, risk-free love is on hand. Maybe it's because I missed my pet Bailey, maybe because I was recently hurt as my friend said, "Waiting for a plane at the pier." and in knowing that the person does miss me and is in a weird form of regret, maybe because my plans are to keep busy, and for sure because of my anxiety, I must make the positive changes today to pave the way for happiness, and yes, today I was happy, content, quiet, and tomorrow is still a maybe, so let's see, as letting go means just to set things free, and hey, love songs do get written, and this one song sounds like the love was risk-free.

My Jack Russell-Shihtzu wants to stay on my lap. She is triple the weight of my toy poodle, maybe even more. I have picked her up and she is trying to dig the chair and is moving about. Now, dogs offer risk-free love, too, and I do guarantee that is possible with human relationships, too. My pet needs cuddling and so do I, and yes, to give things, love, friendship, and all those things a chance, to be alive. 

Ain't no risk now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you.