Blame the Feeling

The written reflections of a 90 year old woman that I admire moved me to tears. When she was hurt by a loved one, she had forgiven him, and said that nobody is perfect - and to blame it on the feeling.

Blame it on the feeling. Not on other people's fault. Not on failed expectations. Not on the weather. We feel hurt. Don't peg the blame. Peg the feeling.

As I listened to what she wrote being read out loud, I loved the simplicity of the words used, the flow, and the goodness, which showed in what she wrote. Unlike me, anxiety, worry, stress, with that edge of anger, she has none, and maybe that is why she is perky and beautiful at the age of 90.

A glass is a glass but if you say it is a cup, I won't argue -- she said this to me before. She.does that because that kind of argument cannot be won.

Blame it on the feeling.

Applies for many feelings. Sometimes, it's better to be silent. As feelings do change.

Needing Special Attention

It may seem to be normal yet there are certain people who need special attention. I feel that way some days though have drifted back to my quieter mode lately, feeling secure in what I have, what I want, as the universe has been kind to me.

Getting to know a person who lacked peace of mind helped me sort out a lot of things and as abnormal as it may seem, the difference kind of relationship is more supportive than others. Maybe it was the timing, and the special attention was a give and take, and continuous to be a positive one.

Now on to the desperate ones who might need special attention but mainly from a mental health professional. As many are left without treatment, to include yours truly (ah, well) the ones that are controlling seem to want more attention than they deserve as they don't reach out, place boundaries, and dance around people. Not everyone can be fooled all the time, and the need of such people is fed by unhappiness. Though some may have a savior complex, a holier than thou attitude, and are profuse with their complaints about the smallest things, they do need attention but maybe a cold glass of water may douse them back to reality.

Sunset in Samar (photo belongs to Maxi Quema) 

As the continuing story of the man who drives himself to the empty pit of loneliness goes on, the mediocrity of what I had favored has jolted me, making it impossible for the trap to make me fall prey again. It's not a matter of pride, it is a matter of standing firm on the ground, holding on to what I deserve, which is better than the cruel words and lack of sympathy. Since being needy for too long isn't my thing, when I stood up again stronger, the resentment is noted. Simple, I don't need people in my life, as I don't want to use  them. I want people in my life, to be part of my life, and peace above anything else. As I heard him clamoring for attention the other day, there is no olive leaf from me, as I do not want to give hope nor do I want to endure what I did ever again.

Special attention. I saw the unspoken command that was ignored. I heard the statements being made. I saw the effort to ignite jealousy. And I saw the bitterness that pervaded the attitude. I saw how the other person reacted, after saying something else to do something else. I see the lack of eye contact. I hear the emptiness, devoid of sounds of laughter. And know, 100 percent, that it is because of me, and I am glad to say, please proceed with your joyless lives with all the limitations that bog your hearts and minds. Kindly see the lovelight in my eyes ignited by saying yes to life - and people who take control of unhappiness to stop pain from dominating. As the days and nights seem to be tied together for some due to a mediocre life, let me be, as I am happy without the complicated demands that have no real returns.

Have I said enough? My Taipan had said, "Never say never as never is a long time." So I say, "Always."

Life is as beautiful as we make it. I saw a post about appreciating what is there, what is wonderful now, instead of yearning for better things to come. With this, I retire for the night, warm in the glow that comes with the flow from caring that is real. Having poured out my thoughts with this and many other posts, please don't judge or try to look deeper into what I have revealed. After all, I am a writer and these are my stories to weave.

Making the Effort

We think that when we do make the effort, the person would reciprocate. Oftentimes, this isn't the case. So, the thing to do is to relax and let things come naturally, as it is when attention and other things are freely given that we will know that the person does care for us.

Many times we desire that the one we like does like us back. There are those who do and are controlling - and we might have fallen into the trap where we experience being bewildered, confused, and we have to keep on trying to please that person. That trap is lined with pain - and that isn't love, it is simply a control thing, keeping one in a state of obligation and then to note that we have to do more on our part to keep the relationship going, being burden by "guilt trips" and statements that are belittling. Though support might be there, it is rather conditional, and so in trying, we lose ourselves.

Desperate. I know someone who at the point of feeling low about how the relationship turned out, grabbed a hold of someone who paid attention and had the right words to say. The one that was liked was way below the standards and so in the end, when the relationship was force ended as the realization dawned that it won't work out and that the person was a user, the regret is there. Words are empty and actions does speak louder than words though there are words that must be said, such as apologies and commitments.

Is it worth it? There are many relationships that simply fall into place. The comfort level is there. When one tries to level up the relationship, it might not happen as the other person may not have the same thing in mind. At that point in time, even if it is worth it, one has to keep the dignity and if the person does want a different kind of relationship, it can happen, but not because we are the ones making the effort, the effort has to come from the other person.

One of my daughter's once posted in their Facebook status that I, as a mother, had never clipped their wings. I firmly believe that to love someone is to set them free, as they have their own lives, and to be part of mine must be voluntary, because they want to be with me, not because I demand or oblige them. This goes for most relationships that I have, and it is most lovely when it does happen and the person is there for me.

Making the effort. When we hurt, we must assess. How much effort have we made for the relationship to work out? What effort has the person placed into making us happy? What are the compromises, sacrifices, and is the commitment real? Then we will know, as we stand away from the pain inflicted, that though we hold our hearts to protect ourselves, there are relationships that are good, supportive, and do not include pain.

No Longer Listening

Observing the results, knowing that the consequences of the actions and lack of action has made a person become uncomfortable in my presence and it is like that person is guilty of something or maybe their emotions are overwhelming, though I firmly believe it is pride that makes the rift become much bigger that it should be. 

At this point in time, due to the pain that was inflicted and the unbelievable attitude that make me wonder why in heaven's name one can think they can control others by a look, and then I realized that after a while, when the wound has healed, no scar remains, as the pain is purely emotional, based on expectations that was actually based on the fact that there was trust on my part. 

Once the trust was shattered and the high notes of one who did not base the relationship on the need of the other, instead only fulfilling their own need to be needed, and since I got back on my feet, there was not acceptance instead the desire to be needed once more. Though I am grateful for that person being there, in retrospect, the underlying lie was the one that cracked the relationship. I have done my part as I did try to bridge the gap by being nice and still do try but without hardly any effort now, as the treatment should be one of acquaintance only - and what happened was that the person acts like in a card game, first it was pass, then game, then now that I have folded and am no longer interested in playing anymore, the tragic fact is that that I see that the regret is there - and it's not my regret, nor it is it my tragedy, nor is it my problem as I am no longer listening. Tuned out, no longer want to play games, talk to me straight. 

Short of pathetic, I hear him talking about a topic that only I would be interested in to other people as I am within hearing range. The volume got higher and the speech pattern was clearer, and being attuned to many things, I notice and inside I wonder why and know why I can hear but am no longer listening as aside from the underlying lie that broke my trust, another thing happened that confirmed that my confiding to a friend became information gathering and so I planted a lie and that was broadcasted so effectively that it did serve the purpose.

In reflection, relationships that are founded on an underlying lie or maybe a motive such as money, comfort, control, climbing the social ladder, are that for Nokias, who are people that are user-friendly. Though I don't mind being useful, a user-relationship does dissolve through time and that is good as it should not be the case.

Author's note: I had not published this one yesterday, as I thought I might have been sour graping but then after a good night's rest and reviewing it, I realize that I did not. And, though second and third chance should ideally always be given, if I feel empty when giving and it is a constant sacrifice, plus that the control factor of the relationship is constricting, then I am not longer "present".

No people were used in the process of creating this post.

My Food and Beverage Anxiety Triggers

I can eat a lot though it doesn't show that much. I can also drink a lot. I love eating and drinking yet often have to say no to many of my favorite things. 

When asked by a friend what triggers my anxiety, I knew the answer. What mostly triggers my anxiety (aside from negaTrons around me) are certain food and beverages and/or lack of it. 

As alcoholic drinks suppresses the suppressant, as my late husband used to say, controlling one's emotions, or shall we say, libido, while drinking is possible, especially if you aren't interested. Downing too much results in a hangover the next day. Drinking too often does bring up the tolerance level. Yet, in my personal opinion, drinking does not cause my anxiety, it is other triggers that bring it on. 

Water is vital for health. Other beverages like juice, especially the non-sugary kind, does help. Then we have our other favorite beverages like coffee and tea with the guidelines of limiting the intake of coffee to 3 cups a day, and for tea, I don't know and maybe drinking endless cups of Japanese green tea is good for the health but of course, all things should be taken in moderation. Milk is another thing to drink and it's not just for babies. Most of us know how much water we should drink in a day and a while back, I had advised a friend to drink at least 8 glass of water a day and it was surprising how it became a positive thing as he did not only take it upon himself to do so but encouraged others to do so also. I don't really like saying things and giving out advice as we all know that we should drink water, choose healthy juices, regulate our caffeine intake, lessen or completely eliminate drinking soda, have a calcium intake, and though I have a high intake of water as I nearly always have a glass of ice water on hand, and admittedly, take a sugar-free energy drink that I so totally love because of the 1,000 mg of taurine that it contains, making me feel that my brain is "limitless" like the movie, lately I have been careful to giving out advise as hey, people should already know what they are doing wrong and since I am not that perfect (ehem) I hesitate, though I do know that coffee does give me anxiety, especially if the cup is not a good brew and ultra strong. 

With the coming back home of one of my daughters, Maxi, who is into healthy food and with my youngest child, Almond, being that way too, the food that is being cooked and served at home is leveling up in inventiveness. I made lemon pepper chicken with instant noodles and green beans, Maxi made tofu spaghetti with carrots and green beans, and Almond made marsala chicken with vegetables. Today, I made boiled ground beef with cabbage, simmered with onion leeks and peppercorns. 

Spaghetti with tofu and veggies

Mushroom moringa milky pasta 

 My main problem is that I only eat when I am hungry, though I try to change that by making sure I eat at a certain time, and today, I did indulge in junk food which is a filler and the munching makes me feel better, as it is what my Dad used to call, "nervous eating" when he would eat nuts and his other favorite snacks. 

Having stepped out often since April, again, I noted that healthy food and beverage choices are not easy to make with the number of restaurants, especially fast food places, that serve such good (and mostly fried) food. I haven't cooked fried chicken that often since Dad passed away, as I hardly stock up on oil, so when out, the allure of those fast food places is strong. And, having this thing that my kids call my "potato fix", I do have to eat French fries, mashed potatoes, and the occasional hash brown. To find good vegetable dishes while eating out isn't that easy, though the small stalls have these, the options are to eat Chinese, Korean, and Filipino food, and opting to have a salad or a rich tomato soup in other places. Comparing iced teas, some are too sweet, while others are just right, and though there are natural juices, the sweeteners should be considered. 

Then the sweet stuff that most of us crave for. That sugar high doesn't last that long and it does trigger my anxiety, making me crash after, and that was when I just had to drink Coke with every meal. I was able to get rid of drinking Coke and no longer buy it for the house unless there is a special occasion. Ice cream is one of my favorite things and during this year's summer, I had ice cream nearly every day. 

Going on a diet is an every day decision and it's not easy. For me, it is a combination of drinking a lot of ice water, limiting sweets and not buying these, choosing the fruit option, eating vegetables as often as possible, taking small and frequent meals, not buying junk food regularly, limiting my coffee intake to a cup a few times a week, detoxing regularly, walking, standing after eating and choosing to stand instead of sit, and other things done for a healthier lifestyle. I try not to preach though as I do have my failings and it is my personal decision to avoid food and beverages that bring about my anxiety attacks, and though I am sometimes weak and give into those delectable temptations, it becomes an indulgence instead of a constant thing. 

As I was planning what to cook for dinner today, my thoughts drifted and I ended up making a questionnaire:

How often have you said you will diet?
How many glasses of water do you drink?
How many servings of fruits and vegetable do you have in a week?
How many fried dishes and sweet treats do you have weekly?
What are your beverages of choice?
Do you eat a lot of junk food?

This list of questions can go on and on, and I may provide advice but then, as most people know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to food intake, then no matter what I say, it is a personal decision to make the changes and it is a good idea to start making the changes, today. 

Risk-Free Love

I trekked home early yesterday. The rainy weather made me want to lie down and rest, and as I had to buy butter and the walk back to where I usually hang out was a hassle because of the rain, it was time to go home. And today, as I stayed in as the rains were strong like the past few days and since I could, I made a local Mojito using Tanduay white run, local mint, a bit of sugar, and orange juice. It was quite good and then I fell asleep late in the afternoon to wake up after dinner time and it was nice to see that my daughter had cooked dinner which was lemon-pepper chicken fried in butter. Ate this with kimchi and since tomorrow never dies when there is extra rice, I am revitalized, getting much needed rest and food intake. Made a cup of tea as there is no longer any coffee at home, the mind doesn't stop working, does it? Not brain dead, though today was productive, I am at a point in time that I don't want to make any decisions as it is just today that I wish to think about.

I have been worried indeed about something. And, blame it on anxiety. Ah, and to make matters worse, there is another thing that has been troubling me and I will have to check on this matter. Though it's been great overall, I have no complaints, it must be me, and though I do have so many things that I must and can do, what I want to do is at the top of my mind and heart. Still, in knowing that we can't push things, that time is on our side, that tomorrow the sun will shine even if there are rain clouds that cover it, and people do come into our lives for a reason, I try and blog away my thoughts so I can focus, which doesn't really work that well but at least - venting is good.

Going back to the title, as I randomly strayed, again, from the topic that was to be written, risk-free love is on hand. Maybe it's because I missed my pet Bailey, maybe because I was recently hurt as my friend said, "Waiting for a plane at the pier." and in knowing that the person does miss me and is in a weird form of regret, maybe because my plans are to keep busy, and for sure because of my anxiety, I must make the positive changes today to pave the way for happiness, and yes, today I was happy, content, quiet, and tomorrow is still a maybe, so let's see, as letting go means just to set things free, and hey, love songs do get written, and this one song sounds like the love was risk-free.

My Jack Russell-Shihtzu wants to stay on my lap. She is triple the weight of my toy poodle, maybe even more. I have picked her up and she is trying to dig the chair and is moving about. Now, dogs offer risk-free love, too, and I do guarantee that is possible with human relationships, too. My pet needs cuddling and so do I, and yes, to give things, love, friendship, and all those things a chance, to be alive. 

Ain't no risk now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you.

Rainy Days and Cat

Aside from the stray cats that my kids used to pick up and take home to care for, I have had two pet cats in my life, one of which was a Persian cat named Ming and another one that was a Siamese cat that we called Crookshanks. The character of these two felines were worlds apart as Ming was like a stuffed toy and Crookshanks meowed a lot like he was talking and was very active.

I like pets and though my heart was recently broken because my toy poodle passed away, there are the other animals that I won't forget such as Chowder who was a long haired Guinea pig and the two Chinese chickens who I called Sun and Moon. The number of rabbits that I have owned made me give up on taking care of them though I do love rabbits, though they don't live that long. There was a time that I took care of hamsters and had over 40 of them - and my maid got feed up and told me to sell all, so I did, because one of the bit my big toe while I was lying down in my room where I set them all free to run around to play.

Listening to music this rainy afternoon is relaxing and the rains from the past days has helped me wash away the tears from my eyes as I do miss my pet Bailey. Working, writing, hanging out with friends, baking, all of these things I have been doing lately so I am busy and when it comes to the time that I rest or like now write, there is a space for her that is now blank. Though I have two other dogs, one which has taken over her place beside me in my bed and the other one that loves to stay on my lap while I type, Bailey is, by far, the pet that I loved the most.

Not time to make the change as there will be healing as time passes. I do know that I have to go and do things, and yes, I am enjoying the changes in my life but for today, this rainy afternoon, I am taking a break so that I may enjoy the solitude that us writers need to think, feel, so we may us it in what we write, while listening to Cat Stevens song about how real the differences of opinions are between a parent and a child. 

Enjoying the Changes

For a long time, I have been online, yet lately decided to make changes and step out more often. It started by playing Bejewelled the whole night and my partner then would be super mad, telling me to go to sleep. I didn't follow him and he gave up. The fascination of being online has always been there - and now WiFi is like the air that I breath at home.

Stepping out had been confusing at one point as the "atmosphere" cannot be controlled. Online and at home, I don't have to deal with anyone I don't want to and can evade reacting until I am ready. I did miss out on a lot of things and to gain friends and keep old ones, I had to step out. It was indeed confusing, starting off with noise pollution, then the smell of the city, the trash, then the effort that it takes to dress up and look good, and some days, I just want to be comfortable and see that many of my friends don't care how I look.

So to prevent confusion, I have been more selective, though the selection comes after spending time with the person. It is good to have great company and share laughs, though I do get rather depressing after a few big doses, it does go both ways, sometimes. It's more fun nowadays, having the time to talk and chill, and since I have been out more often, I did miss out on a lot of contests and promos but then I realized that the bonds I have made online are strong, also.

Irreplaceable. That is most probably the keyword of this entire post. Though I have a lot of friends, places to go to, things to do, each and every individual that I care for is irreplaceable. And, with a few tweaks to this music video, like the word love and all that romantic pressure play, it hold true to what I have stated, for my peace of mind, my feeling settled, and that happiness. For all things are a decision and it is a decision to be happy. 

Non-Acidic Civet Coffee: Perfect Java Jolt

Presented in a tea-bag unique steep method, rather than miss out on a hot cup of java because the tummy is turning due to acidity or settling for that mediocre non-acid coffee that tastes so watered down, there is non-acidic coffee that'll allow you to drink as much as you want without the gurgling feeling of gassy pain. and it taste so awesomely great! 

"Masarap ang mainit na Barako Sibet kape kapag umuulan." 

- Al Serrano, owner, Barako Haus 

BF Homes Paranaque, Phase I, near Pizza Hut

How the Civet Coffee at Barako Haus is made. Unique steep!

Civet coffee is currently the most expensive coffee in the world. For that fantastic cup of java which is what Queen Elizabeth drinks and is the most-sought after in the world, at half the price of  the other Civet coffee available in the Philippines, get that perfect cup, hot or cold at Barako Haus, BF Homes, Paranaque. 

If and when it happens, it will

How can one miss something that they don't have?

Dwelling on the past does have adverse effects and yet, the memory of a love lost does bring that good feeling, like when eating your favorite chocolate. What I have come to realize is that love, romantic, passionate, and all that jazz, is one that has the highs and lows. We all know that yet should pain be part and parcel of loving?

No. I did try to study that pain and even lived with it, with relationships that were based on the emotional factor. Filling the need or shall we say the desire to want someone in our life, we seek, get found, and thrive. Yet, as in all relationships, people do fail to meet our expectations, and even when we say we don't expect, we do.

So what happens is that we surge forward, holding on. It is time to let go, again, and again, to live free of expectations that do turn into pain when disappointed. Forgiveness is another factor that comes into play and in all humility, it should happen, yet, it isn't easy especially when we decide to harden our hearts.

The difficult part of having past broken and lost relationships is the hardening of the heart. Instead of going with the flow, the mind takes over, saying "No!" let us evade the situation, falling in love hurts, that bad experience will happen again, and yes, that is anxiety which as I said before, I well know. Our emotions overwhelm with joy of a love found, the times together and then, due to past experiences, the trust gets diminished. not because of what the person did but because of our past experiences. Give it a break.. give the person a chance... and as we hold our hearts in control, flowing into it does not happen.

I firmly believe my heart will not harden when it comes to giving love a chance yet - I have closed the door for now. Waiting for a knock won't happen as that person should have the key. As my mind thinks, decisions made and yes, it is best to let things go as I do not want to hope or even feel, as control is the keyword in a lot of matters and hey, who am I to say that I don't lose control?

In the solitude of writing, my heart is yearning for that zen mode to come again. The deep thoughts, the flow, the fluidity, the writing with passion, the imagination, the focus that brings about some of the best written work. Is this living? Is it making a living? Is being a writer a hindrance to loving? I don't think it is and yes, I live to write as this makes me alive.

As we try to make the illusion of love real, I sadly shake my head. I know it is real as I have had the love of my life. Is there going to be a new one? For now, I don't know and I don't care because if and when it happens, it will. No blank space. 

  

Back to Regular Programming

Same time, same channel. There is something reassuring about consistency and though my back aches right now and my right arm aches slightly from CTS, I have to blog. My mind keeps on working and I do have to write these things down as there has been a lot of changes in my life  - and the best one was brought about by a friend (and friends) who is/are consistent, strong, trustworthy and yes, it's the same time and same channel kind of feeling.

As anxiety rears its ugly head often enough in my life, due to others and even my own repeated thoughts, I sometimes get my own encouraging words to my friends being repeated to me. Like work and pray and know that God by His grace and mercy will give it to us and that Law of Attraction thing that if we work towards a goal, it will be true. The universe has been kind and the vibes have been good and more laughter fills my days and nights, and it is from an unexpected source that has been the turning point. 

There was a point(s) in time that I didn't feel strong enough and even avoided the conflict(s) after I had stood up and fought, held my stand, and seemingly threw in the towel as I did my best, and now, for a few of the issues that I have encountered, see that I did win. Though I admit that there are mistakes on my part, some done because of anxiety and some unintentionally, some due to stupidity like the duh things I do.  

I have heard a lot of advice and the best kind, like tomorrow always comes, live for today, forget the past, and all that, though the most effective was the ones that I heard from that friend who did state things that are true to what I feel such as about getting over things is not that easy and forgetting isn't also - though I forget the exact words, the statements rings with the truth or more like in accordance of what I feel.

A normal placid day with regular programming can become boring. What makes our life different is how we live it. I love to face challenges though I know when I can't handle things anymore. We decide what to do with our lives and for me, it is never the pursuit of money, nor entertainment, glory and other things, it is simply to be happy. A constant, consistency, amidst all the stressors of daily life, and not from seeking outside to cover the loneliness, as I do have my writing also, but to seek from within, and in thanks for the support that brings one up when they feel down - in the hope that I also do that for others.

Here's a song from one of my favorite singers, Sting, entitled, When We Dance. Very romantic and though I know that romantic love exists, it is one that is constant that makes us feel settled.

 

Bailey: Her Spirit Came Back

On June 30, 2015, my pet dog, Bailey, a toy poodle, was put to sleep. It was a decision that I had to make and in her critical state and the pain that she was in the night before, it was the best decision to make. 

Bailey at Casa de Carlo, Tagaytay

Though my heart is not heavy from having to decide, what my children had feared the most of how I will be affected when I do lose her, did happen and having been missing her so much since that day, I saw her in my dream state before I woke up. 

I saw Bailey when she young and healthy. She had a limp leg for a long time due to an accident. The Bailey that I saw walking into the living room from the open yard door was when she was most beautiful. It lasted for just a few seconds and I know she is here in my home, continuing to be with me. I bring flowers to her grave, she was constantly with me as I brought her as often as I can as she loved going out. 

With tears streaming now, I do miss my Bailey. She starts my day as we step out into the street and when it is late afternoon. She has so many people who know her by name and she was called a good and well behaved dog who never barks when we are out. She guarded the house, sounding intruder alerts twice, and that was able to save us. 

Bailey saved me from loneliness. She gave me happiness, unconditionally. I was able to give her a happy life and when I took her home from the first vet check that day she died, after I gave her the pain reliever, she was wagging her tail, and she did so a number of times when I called out her name while she was in her dog bed. When she refused to drink and was beginning to flop in my arms, I rushed out of the house, carrying her wrapped in a t-shirt in my arms. As we went to the vet, I could feel her fading away, and I knew I was losing my beloved pet. Silently screaming, I was in pain as I felt her life going away as I carried her in my arms and when we got to the vet, I gave up, let her go. I let her go and I couldn't be in that room, not inside, standing outside with tears falling, pacing. Taking her home in a box, a sympathetic man who also lost his dog that day, did the task of digging and burying her. I bring flowers to her grave, walking around the area to pick a couple, and yes, today, she is here back in my home, as she does have a soul, a spirit, as she was alive. 

Letting go is difficult. There is no one or no dog that can take her place. I can say that I am happy to have her as part of my life - and I miss her so much that it aches. I love you, Bailey. 

Bailey with my daughter, Sarah, who owned her. 

The Pendulum Swings

Been focusing my energy on the balancing of the chakras and realizing that it has been unfair. There are other ways to go about finding the balance and in forgetting what the true nature is, how that point may be achieved, the way of surging forward was done in a manner that was wrong for it is not in others that we may find the balance, it is within ourselves.

Thus, I have snapped out of this, returning to the basics of how the color pendulum swings and noting that it is more that what traps us in the world. For to live in a mountaintop like that of a monk, there is peace without the trappings of society, without having to deal with others, without expectations, and sadly, apologetic, it has been wrong to seek fulfillment outside, from others, when ideally, I should have known as my third eye is open. For too long, I have forgotten, how to focus on the light, how to make it envelope my mind and how to swing a pendulum to balance the chakras. Getting irritated by minor things from the same source that pounds me with the major problems that there is no solution as it is the heart of discontent has been happening far too long to disrupt matters and though I may point the blame, it is the my reaction that stops the swing of the pendulum, among other things. 

Chasing the wind as the concept of time held me down, a void has been opened, seeking love only to be met with passion and desires. That void cannot be filled by anything as there is nothing to fill as it does not exist, as it exists only a soul that has been held onto this earth that must break away from the grounded nature. 

A rainy walk and long talks strikes a chord of harmony and learning - that there was something that I have been procrastinating about and to thinking about it, there is no excuse for why I am doing so as that is the solution, plus after dwelling on other topics - I do have an apology to give: 

You have been wonderful and there is more to you than meets the eye. In the depth of your spirit, the understanding and the saving made it possible for strength to return, to remove the pain. Thus, I acknowledge that because of your goodness, there has been a positive change to my life. Thoughts should have remained unspoken yet it is too late for that and I appreciate your understanding and this apology must be said as it was not your need that was thought of, in my failing, the thoughts were for myself, what I believed that was lacking and it is unfair to have burdened you. I was wrong and though there is no justifying feelings, it is just feelings that are out of focus. I am sorry and I am asking for forgiveness. It is not enough to say that I am but human. The primary concern should have been you. Please accept this apology. 

As I take a few deep breaths to finish this post, with a heart full of gratefulness and gladness for the understanding and acceptance of the weakness of the spirit, the lack of balance, and how it is good to know that the trust is there, though a few tears fall, it not because of sadness but from the spirit leveling up to a point of knowing that the mindfulness of the truth - of the suffering and the cause, of the end of suffering because of what frees us - is within. 

A five minute video. Please don't swat the unicorn, just read the words.

 

How simple it could be

Times had seemed so tough. Rough. Anger had been there, frustration, arguments, making the rattle of the mind so strong that the heart gets upset.

Then, there is calm and peace. Oh the zen of my days. Makes me want to adore the very ground that is walked on. Is that possible? Is it too easy? Can it be so simply wonderful? Serotonin happiness. It's in the mind.

As I lounge, resting after having done a lot of tasks, there is a woman here who had talked to me for 20 minutes and though I smiled and answered, I didn't understand a word she was saying. And as I kick back to write this post, she is still talking and I don't understand a word she says. The tone of voice is sales and yesz so brain dead tonight. Long day. Ends with no stress.

May the gods be kind and wipe the tears away from the heart that just simply wants to be understood. We have but today and the path is easy. This is sounding silly.. Well, nearly time to go home and rest.

June 24. 11:26pm
To know the pain of too much tenderness - Kahlil Gibran

Has No Title

Fiction.

From a deep slumber, awakening to the sound of wailing words, repeated, disruptive, self-pity drowning out the hate, my brain gets cluttered, smashing it with the noise of the loud cries, the zen mode of the past few days and the serotonin happiness begins to fly away. Feeling oppressed by the sounds that have been reverberating throughout the walls, knowing that it is intentionally done for attention, it's time to take deep  breaths and shrug the matter off yet that doesn't happen. 

How to obtain freedom from such musings? There is a way yet it takes too much effort as the energy in my body gets drained. Wishing for a real problem, one that has clinical basis that is far better and worth dealing with than that early evening drama TV shows come to life - not a mind game. I still get affected as the depression due to the consequences of actions that is of their own doing is one that is a heavy burden that I am forced to partake. After all those chances to overcome and not being an invalid, it's the limitations that stop the progress, bearing down on mine. My mind and heart screams as I need to dwell on something real - and focus on the tasks on hand. 

A normal, placid day is impossible to have. When all is going well, then the trouble begins so that there will be some action and there shall be emotion, among the other things that feeds the high of discontent. Been dragged down too long and even a simple conversation is peppered with lies. There is no cure. No treatment can be provided. It's the attitude. And, that is impossible to change from the outside. Seemingly poignant in the loneliness, seemingly miserable and faking the relationships to for that one-way advantage, throwing rocks in my way as I refuse to let go of my peace of mind. 

Time to escape. Then the turmoil starts inside me, oh that haze, turning the wondrous HD days and nights filled with smiles and productivity into a long pull downward to make it nearly impossible for me to get to the mountain top while enjoying the trek and the view. This must end as anger and pride wells up inside as the sympathy has long died for those wailing cries. 

Another one plays a mastermind game. It's been a winning streak for me as even when losing, there was a better option. No longer trying to figure out how heartless, crude rejection can be turned around as that was accomplished, knowing that there is regret to hold an empty shell and the mind games have begun to lure me back into the trap, as I see the distraught, covering up a broken heart that was brought about by my deciding to give back kindness, forgiveness, and friendship, when mine got stabbed by sheer disregard and disrespect that was the equivalent of nothingness blaming it on my ego when I don't even know why as I humbly apologized. Do I really give a squat now? Find time.

In gratefulness,this tirade ends,  If those events didn't happen, there would be no zen mode, no discovery of a treasure, no to many things that are worth spending time and effort on where there is not much apology to do there is understanding. 

Yes, I can read your mind. 

What You Mind, Matters

The duh things that I do. Ordered a Happy meal at Jollibee. When curtly informed that they only have Kiddie meals, I ordered a bucket of fries. Got reprimanded by my kid, saying, "Mom! That's from KFC!"

Detoxing time. A bit too much FUNdador and beer these past few weeks. Sleep, tea, barley, sun, walking, and studying. Going offline does wear me down and the fun, well it's fun, but today even trying to figure what to wear is an effort so it's stay at home time. There are some people that are so nice to stay with and there are certain ones that make me feel wired, too tired, weird, and messed up, then I figured out that the mess isn't me, it's the reaction and that was sending signals and yes, I am a mind reader, among the many of my so endearing qualities...

As I do have just to face challenges, especially if I am in the midst of things, never backing out of what has to be done. I did, and when it was done, in my mind, which matters the most, it was like a sigh of relief and then I had a breath of fresh air, clearing the cobwebs of my mind. Just had a great weekend, Hibernated today, June 22 though it is the 23rd now as it is morning and finishing work by Wednesday.

What you mind, matters. To stop thinking is impossible, well, I feel brain dead sometimes. To stop thinking repeated thoughts is difficult, distraction is a must. To stop anxiety is possible. One of the best advice when it comes to 'thinking' that I got was from a painter who said, "What I do is I think about it then forget."  He also forgets what he had for lunch - though I got his point about dwelling on things. Right now I am not really thinking, forcing myself to write to not lose the timing, and yes, it's a good thing to have the solace and silence of writing. Thoughts do happen, like did I say too much or did I say the wrong thing? Well, it is a matter of trust in the people I do spend time with. Hibernating. Hiding. No longer there even if I will be there, aha, catch 22. Will it, beckon it, and it comes, sometimes for others, it is too late, and while for others, it's perfect timing. Will it, want it, it comes. Saving. Off now to continue detox and hibernate, still have work. Life should be a vacation and yes, amazingly simple.

Looking forward to this. On Saturday, June 27, at Checkpoint, Metro Star Mall, BF Homes, Up Dharma Down. Free entrance, 55 peso beers and Vigan bagnet and longanisa. Can't miss this, as what we do miss, does matter. 

 

Power and Tenderness

Control. Confidence. That streak. Strong, subdued, and it's there. That is the power that attracts. 

People say that I am strong. That I can intimidate. Maybe they see only what I want to show. To talk in such a way that there is a kind of power is second nature and sometimes, people back away because of what they "think" and it's better that they go away as I don't have the time for those things. People say I am strong yet I have to be. I feel most safe around powerful people as the task of being strong is not required as the reigns of control are taken over.

Power. What can be achieved by the person as they know their own mind, and what they are capable of, then there is something there that is much better than a placid lake as it is the sea and it deserves respect. To go out to sea, on has to be ready, as there is the awesome raging power. 

Having been around powerful people, it's sometimes difficult to handle them because they snap. Yet, that snap should not be taken personally, it's just the way they are. If intimidated, then I should step away but then it is best to stay as I believe firmly that if one hasn't done anything wrong, there won't be any trouble and if one did something wrong, then an apology should be given. 

Power. I know someone that is all talk, as if there was something that will be done yet it's just talk. The ones who don't talk about what they plan to do are the ones who will, might, and can. Someone who has power is more than just a bodybuilder as that is purely physical. It's one that'll defend their own stand and the people that they care for, and they do move. There are those who have been tamed yet the streak is there. It is very interesting and the strength can be felt. 

As contradictory as it may seem, powerful people can have tenderness. They get obedience and a whole load of other things on a daily basis and yet, they can differentiate between those who are simply there to please them because they are scared, those who perform up to par, and the ones who are loyal, among other things. 

Power. Let it take control or be controlled. As the tiredness goes through my body like a wave, power that can be terrifying like lightning may be harnessed as an energy source? 

Author's note: The dawn draws near. My thoughts drift as my eyes start to shut, shutting down. Power off. 

Moving On Concept

Delete. Rinse. Repeat. The concept of moving on was discussed and since this is one that is easy to do with a block, delete, unfriend and no reply, to end a relationship to "move on" no longer requires seeing the other person face to face. Getting rid of the talk, the actual closure, might fail to happen though maybe that's just me and not for people who have interwined their bond to include the tech part of it.

Moving on. Does it require what? The clearest explanation I got was moving forward in life as life does continue while one is moping not mopping the floors. Another one was to go from one to the next one. I don't get it. The concept of moving on for me is acceptance. If one has accepted that it's over then healing and repair can begin not reformatting. Wipe out does work but then there are times that the memory will jar the emotions, and when that happens, there is no moving on. Moping is part of the pain process of loving, correct? And when it is experienced, it seems like the world does stop, as the love might be lost. Of course, only the one you love can give such pain yet it is all emotion, indeed.

We might go about life focusing on someone then get blinded to the others that are there for us. In all things, it is a decision. Live with pain and hurt or not? Then upon realizing that it is rough sailing and the end is unclear, even to enjoy the times together gets tainted, so it must be ended. It is acceptance of the reality of the situation that harms the inside - then the determination to make the changes.

Moving on is a concept that is applied only when the relationship isn't working out. And, it is a decision. To make the changes is not easy as there is difficulty in letting go due to the time and effort yet there are paths that are much easier, simpler, and happier.

Drawing into light the concept of moving on - this can only happen when one makes a decision to no longer deal with the pain and saying. "Enough!"  Severing a good relationship completely, for me, doesn't really work as things have to be made clear and then how weird, the one that is lost and cried for does come back. Was it wrong to be needy? No. Yet if the relationship does not fulfill the needs then back out and give yourself and the other person a break.

Moving on for me means to first stop completely. Then if there is no one there to catch the fall, dealing with it. If there is someone there to catch the fall then make sure it is worth it. Settling for less isn't an option as that won't work, one has to avoid leaving the frying pan to go to the fire and avoid gong into another frying pan.

When the emotions stop overwhelming, it is time to make a decision. And, a decision to be happy is there, no need to ask Siri who will say that to find happiness, one must turn on location services.

Starting off my day by waking up to a knock on the door by someone who was looking for work, dragging myself out of the comfortable sofa I fell asleep on to open the door and saying to the guy who knocked that when I have work for him, I will text and I am still asleep, to crash back on the sofa, to bask in the feeling of feeling good to have done more than move on, as what I want is going to be there for me and never enough for today, not enough to stop the ridiculous notion that a relationship can work out without grabbing what is there - and found that there is a path that has no pain and yes, I am happy, today, without worries - it's all a decision as when the heart and mind agree, that works. I am free. 

Random Reflections

Routine. There's something reassuring about my days and nights. No jolts, no surprises, just an ordinary day. I dislike noise pollution and my home is quiet waking up to the chirping of the birds, sleeping to the shrill of the crickets. I do live in the city but there is no sound of cars passing the street with no noisy and nosy neighbors.

Lately, my mind has been racing, tackling the writing of a book, the editing of two books, the new website for my client, and I shut out the noise pollution as my brain can't be drained by placing on headphones and listening to music. It's been too hot to do much during the day, so I leisure the time away in the afternoon, hanging out with a few friends to tackle the chores and work at night and during the early morning. The past week my arm has been in pain because of my carpal tunnel syndrome yet I don't have much of a choice except to write as that is what I do.

My day starts. I wake up and think positive before opening my eyes. Sometimes my phone might ring and I answer it but if it is a text, before I can answer, I would like to be fully awake after drinking my usual two glasses of cool water. Then I check my smart phone for Facebook messages then open the computer to check my mail for work, This is the laptop I use with inspirational book for a mouse pad. The reason why the book inspires me is because it shot up in Kindle sales.

If only. These two words are really lousy. As in, a goal that cannot be reached, a dream that has been smashed to smithereens. If only things were like this, if only things were like that - I hear these words constantly and the discontent bothers me. There isn't any if only that works for me. It's either there or not. It's either with me or not. It's the reality not the lack of something that keeps my feet on the ground. An "if only" life that is based on material things is empty and then it turns to envy. What goes on in my mind is how the negativity and the "if only" has shattered my peace and like a gangrened leg, it must be cut off. As I am tired of complaining, even in a post, I have taken the first step.

Food and rest. What is utterly necessary is the rule of thumb but then I am normal so I do indulge once in a while. To sleep is good and when I changed my sleeping time to 9 pm to wake up at 4 or 5 am, it felt good. Falling asleep late in the afternoon at past 5 or 6 pm to wake up to cook dinner is also what I do when I stay awake all night. Though I am a night owl, I have been trying to change my sleeping time yet like today as I am waiting for a project to be completed, I can't sleep until it is emailed in.

Oops. Fell asleep waiting for the project and go the email when I woke up. I had lied down, burying my head on the pillow, thinking how soft and comfortable it was, then shut down the computer as it was impossible to stay awake. Now a new day has started and it looks like a cooler afternoon. I think I should bake now, if I am feeling well enough and have the energy as I do have a lot of other things to do. Oops and duh. These two words describe what I do at times when I am lost in my thoughts and can't hear the world, whatever is said doesn't really register. Lack of listening skills? There are times that I don't listen as I just can't, it doesn't sink it, it makes no sense, the words I hear aren't to the point, and my mind gets cluttered with useless information that can't get processed. The duh things that I do, ah, are kind of dumb and lately, I did something rather duh, but then, I should be kinder to myself as we all do and no one was hurt in the process of duhness.

Blogging. Soon, I would have posted enough to make an ebook. Would it change the world? I doubt it but if I could just reach out and touch just one person, that would make the diff. Like the way I am on Facebook and all the social networking sites, sometimes nuts but more often, I am there to listen. I blog because I want to write and that's what I do - and as random as these reflections are, this is me, not saying all that I would like to and letting go of the stress that has no space in my life.

Players in Life

Just viewing and observing is like being a CCTV such as a situation where there is a robbery and the CCTV can't do anything to provide better security. On the defense, offense, stalemate, or whatever, being part of the living and not a zombie from The Walking Dead, we choose how to go about our day and make things happen to make it different.

Last night I couldn't sleep like the other nights before that. I read, study, listen to music, after hanging out with some friends for great laughs. Having to go home for my pets early and seeing with pain the clothes depleted and the fixing that has to be done because another daughter has begun to fly out of the nest. No regrets for today, again, thank goodness, taking things in stride and making the best of the situation.

Spent a few minutes the past couple of days observing the man that I cut off. The bulging eyes, the turned back, after he spoke up explaining when there was no question asked, such a bad liar and what I hate most is those, to keep in mind that all should be written when dealing with those kinds of people that might drag me in to a void of desperation. I see him staying, immobilized, short stacking newspaper to give away - wondering what does he want to accomplish. I see him waiting for night and I see that he is wearing down. I wonder if he wonders how to get a hold of the financier for after all, that man I have cut off has to indeed struggle for a while as such a waste of time to provide me hope when all the while what was dangled was vaudeville act for him to get the investment he wanted. I could have danced but I did not upon advice and groan, yah right. Talk is cheap and nearly effortless yet I listen to sound advice to return home where time can stand still, thinking of the next move or if I should move at all. Effortless squat, the petty cash amounts, so instead I write as I  really can't figure out why a group of honest people would allow such a goon to be among them, acting like an entertainer with his loud voice dominating the conversation which is basically full of pride and his opinion - well, it is none of my business and I try to avoid being near such a person as I might get affiliated, argh!

That part of this post was written a while back. To continue.. I should place dates indeed.

June 17. Another normal and quiet day with the additional coolness of rain. Returning home from having the stitches in my eyelid removed as my brother who is a doctor took out a cyst last week, I felt sleepy and toxic. I had hurt my hand with a small knife cut as I was preparing lunch and had to force the small wound to bleed. Detoxing now with a cup of tea with honey, feeling sleepy, with not much of an appetite though I must eat as all I ate was lunch. Remembering how the cyst removal went, the delicate operation that my brother did, as there was a lighted long instrument anchoring my eyelid or so I think, as I yelped in the last few minutes, "There's something in my eye!" And he said, "Don't touch the instrument" as my hand was moving up. Nearly painless, only the sting of the needle was felt and the long sting of the thread removal today. I lie down now to rest, as this is the first real operation I have had in my life and I am glad the cyst is gone as there was the beginning of an infection already. The only other time I got operated on was for my eye bags to be removed with a slit incision at the bottom near the outer side of my eyes and the fat was pulled out. Right now I don't have eye bags and it has been many years, though I do have dark eye circles coz of lack of sleep.

A quiet night. Dogs are asleep. My head propped up on the pillows as I blog using a cellphone. Earlier today as I was at the side walk of a busy street, the sun was making me feel like I was going to sweat which I seldom do. The smell of the stench of the city, the fumes, the trash, the canal, made me hate the fact that people have to work and live in such areas, and then my mind drifts to more pleasant thoughts. Hmm..

Radical week. After the 2 benefit gigs I attended on Saturday and last night, the rock music has revived me as the entertainment was there. Evolution. Feeling like a Pokemon though I like Togepi. Are there only 3 stages and what kind of Pokemon am I? Maybe a fire Pokemon, if ever I get identified. Surrendering to the flow of the universe, as we say, "Don't let the pain control you." which is what Tupeng, a tattoo artist, was saying as he beat the drum, repeatedly, before at B-Side.

The benefit gigs show that though there are people with tats, it's not the pain, it's the no issue lifestyle, and that it is a world of acceptance and sharing, for who you are and the good that you can do. It's an awesome experience to be among these rockers and I appreciate the kind attention given plus the free beers too. The first pic which is rather unclear, is that of Ian Tayao and Louis Isok of Wilabaliw which was the benefit gig event at Checkpoint, Metro Star Mall, BF Homes Paranaque last Saturday. If you missed this gig, you missed a lot as aside from over 10 bands playing that night, Ian did his backflip and that signature side to side hip and knee dance, and as Isok wired the crowd, Ian started his haunting belt with a new move as his hands spread out like an eagle! The other gig was at Apache, which is where Swivel will open soon - wait for that chill place, and yes, only cool people are allowed! The second pic was the jam with the lead singer of Manila Under Fire and Anton Silos on the bass guitar. They played a number of songs and a couple of reggae tunes. It was great.

Checkpoint

Apache

Let the music play. Sometimes I feel like I can see right through people and know that some can see right through me. Let it be. Go drift with the waves, fall into the tide with the ebb, go for the life force and be alive. Since this is a totally random post which could be my signature move - there is nothing else to compare with being alive as we are players in life.