Dwelling on the past does have adverse effects and yet, the memory of a love lost does bring that good feeling, like when eating your favorite chocolate. What I have come to realize is that love, romantic, passionate, and all that jazz, is one that has the highs and lows. We all know that yet should pain be part and parcel of loving?
No. I did try to study that pain and even lived with it, with relationships that were based on the emotional factor. Filling the need or shall we say the desire to want someone in our life, we seek, get found, and thrive. Yet, as in all relationships, people do fail to meet our expectations, and even when we say we don't expect, we do.
So what happens is that we surge forward, holding on. It is time to let go, again, and again, to live free of expectations that do turn into pain when disappointed. Forgiveness is another factor that comes into play and in all humility, it should happen, yet, it isn't easy especially when we decide to harden our hearts.
The difficult part of having past broken and lost relationships is the hardening of the heart. Instead of going with the flow, the mind takes over, saying "No!" let us evade the situation, falling in love hurts, that bad experience will happen again, and yes, that is anxiety which as I said before, I well know. Our emotions overwhelm with joy of a love found, the times together and then, due to past experiences, the trust gets diminished. not because of what the person did but because of our past experiences. Give it a break.. give the person a chance... and as we hold our hearts in control, flowing into it does not happen.
I firmly believe my heart will not harden when it comes to giving love a chance yet - I have closed the door for now. Waiting for a knock won't happen as that person should have the key. As my mind thinks, decisions made and yes, it is best to let things go as I do not want to hope or even feel, as control is the keyword in a lot of matters and hey, who am I to say that I don't lose control?
In the solitude of writing, my heart is yearning for that zen mode to come again. The deep thoughts, the flow, the fluidity, the writing with passion, the imagination, the focus that brings about some of the best written work. Is this living? Is it making a living? Is being a writer a hindrance to loving? I don't think it is and yes, I live to write as this makes me alive.
As we try to make the illusion of love real, I sadly shake my head. I know it is real as I have had the love of my life. Is there going to be a new one? For now, I don't know and I don't care because if and when it happens, it will. No blank space.
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