The Pendulum Swings

Been focusing my energy on the balancing of the chakras and realizing that it has been unfair. There are other ways to go about finding the balance and in forgetting what the true nature is, how that point may be achieved, the way of surging forward was done in a manner that was wrong for it is not in others that we may find the balance, it is within ourselves.

Thus, I have snapped out of this, returning to the basics of how the color pendulum swings and noting that it is more that what traps us in the world. For to live in a mountaintop like that of a monk, there is peace without the trappings of society, without having to deal with others, without expectations, and sadly, apologetic, it has been wrong to seek fulfillment outside, from others, when ideally, I should have known as my third eye is open. For too long, I have forgotten, how to focus on the light, how to make it envelope my mind and how to swing a pendulum to balance the chakras. Getting irritated by minor things from the same source that pounds me with the major problems that there is no solution as it is the heart of discontent has been happening far too long to disrupt matters and though I may point the blame, it is the my reaction that stops the swing of the pendulum, among other things. 

Chasing the wind as the concept of time held me down, a void has been opened, seeking love only to be met with passion and desires. That void cannot be filled by anything as there is nothing to fill as it does not exist, as it exists only a soul that has been held onto this earth that must break away from the grounded nature. 

A rainy walk and long talks strikes a chord of harmony and learning - that there was something that I have been procrastinating about and to thinking about it, there is no excuse for why I am doing so as that is the solution, plus after dwelling on other topics - I do have an apology to give: 

You have been wonderful and there is more to you than meets the eye. In the depth of your spirit, the understanding and the saving made it possible for strength to return, to remove the pain. Thus, I acknowledge that because of your goodness, there has been a positive change to my life. Thoughts should have remained unspoken yet it is too late for that and I appreciate your understanding and this apology must be said as it was not your need that was thought of, in my failing, the thoughts were for myself, what I believed that was lacking and it is unfair to have burdened you. I was wrong and though there is no justifying feelings, it is just feelings that are out of focus. I am sorry and I am asking for forgiveness. It is not enough to say that I am but human. The primary concern should have been you. Please accept this apology. 

As I take a few deep breaths to finish this post, with a heart full of gratefulness and gladness for the understanding and acceptance of the weakness of the spirit, the lack of balance, and how it is good to know that the trust is there, though a few tears fall, it not because of sadness but from the spirit leveling up to a point of knowing that the mindfulness of the truth - of the suffering and the cause, of the end of suffering because of what frees us - is within. 

A five minute video. Please don't swat the unicorn, just read the words.

 

How simple it could be

Times had seemed so tough. Rough. Anger had been there, frustration, arguments, making the rattle of the mind so strong that the heart gets upset.

Then, there is calm and peace. Oh the zen of my days. Makes me want to adore the very ground that is walked on. Is that possible? Is it too easy? Can it be so simply wonderful? Serotonin happiness. It's in the mind.

As I lounge, resting after having done a lot of tasks, there is a woman here who had talked to me for 20 minutes and though I smiled and answered, I didn't understand a word she was saying. And as I kick back to write this post, she is still talking and I don't understand a word she says. The tone of voice is sales and yesz so brain dead tonight. Long day. Ends with no stress.

May the gods be kind and wipe the tears away from the heart that just simply wants to be understood. We have but today and the path is easy. This is sounding silly.. Well, nearly time to go home and rest.

June 24. 11:26pm
To know the pain of too much tenderness - Kahlil Gibran

Has No Title

Fiction.

From a deep slumber, awakening to the sound of wailing words, repeated, disruptive, self-pity drowning out the hate, my brain gets cluttered, smashing it with the noise of the loud cries, the zen mode of the past few days and the serotonin happiness begins to fly away. Feeling oppressed by the sounds that have been reverberating throughout the walls, knowing that it is intentionally done for attention, it's time to take deep  breaths and shrug the matter off yet that doesn't happen. 

How to obtain freedom from such musings? There is a way yet it takes too much effort as the energy in my body gets drained. Wishing for a real problem, one that has clinical basis that is far better and worth dealing with than that early evening drama TV shows come to life - not a mind game. I still get affected as the depression due to the consequences of actions that is of their own doing is one that is a heavy burden that I am forced to partake. After all those chances to overcome and not being an invalid, it's the limitations that stop the progress, bearing down on mine. My mind and heart screams as I need to dwell on something real - and focus on the tasks on hand. 

A normal, placid day is impossible to have. When all is going well, then the trouble begins so that there will be some action and there shall be emotion, among the other things that feeds the high of discontent. Been dragged down too long and even a simple conversation is peppered with lies. There is no cure. No treatment can be provided. It's the attitude. And, that is impossible to change from the outside. Seemingly poignant in the loneliness, seemingly miserable and faking the relationships to for that one-way advantage, throwing rocks in my way as I refuse to let go of my peace of mind. 

Time to escape. Then the turmoil starts inside me, oh that haze, turning the wondrous HD days and nights filled with smiles and productivity into a long pull downward to make it nearly impossible for me to get to the mountain top while enjoying the trek and the view. This must end as anger and pride wells up inside as the sympathy has long died for those wailing cries. 

Another one plays a mastermind game. It's been a winning streak for me as even when losing, there was a better option. No longer trying to figure out how heartless, crude rejection can be turned around as that was accomplished, knowing that there is regret to hold an empty shell and the mind games have begun to lure me back into the trap, as I see the distraught, covering up a broken heart that was brought about by my deciding to give back kindness, forgiveness, and friendship, when mine got stabbed by sheer disregard and disrespect that was the equivalent of nothingness blaming it on my ego when I don't even know why as I humbly apologized. Do I really give a squat now? Find time.

In gratefulness,this tirade ends,  If those events didn't happen, there would be no zen mode, no discovery of a treasure, no to many things that are worth spending time and effort on where there is not much apology to do there is understanding. 

Yes, I can read your mind. 

What You Mind, Matters

The duh things that I do. Ordered a Happy meal at Jollibee. When curtly informed that they only have Kiddie meals, I ordered a bucket of fries. Got reprimanded by my kid, saying, "Mom! That's from KFC!"

Detoxing time. A bit too much FUNdador and beer these past few weeks. Sleep, tea, barley, sun, walking, and studying. Going offline does wear me down and the fun, well it's fun, but today even trying to figure what to wear is an effort so it's stay at home time. There are some people that are so nice to stay with and there are certain ones that make me feel wired, too tired, weird, and messed up, then I figured out that the mess isn't me, it's the reaction and that was sending signals and yes, I am a mind reader, among the many of my so endearing qualities...

As I do have just to face challenges, especially if I am in the midst of things, never backing out of what has to be done. I did, and when it was done, in my mind, which matters the most, it was like a sigh of relief and then I had a breath of fresh air, clearing the cobwebs of my mind. Just had a great weekend, Hibernated today, June 22 though it is the 23rd now as it is morning and finishing work by Wednesday.

What you mind, matters. To stop thinking is impossible, well, I feel brain dead sometimes. To stop thinking repeated thoughts is difficult, distraction is a must. To stop anxiety is possible. One of the best advice when it comes to 'thinking' that I got was from a painter who said, "What I do is I think about it then forget."  He also forgets what he had for lunch - though I got his point about dwelling on things. Right now I am not really thinking, forcing myself to write to not lose the timing, and yes, it's a good thing to have the solace and silence of writing. Thoughts do happen, like did I say too much or did I say the wrong thing? Well, it is a matter of trust in the people I do spend time with. Hibernating. Hiding. No longer there even if I will be there, aha, catch 22. Will it, beckon it, and it comes, sometimes for others, it is too late, and while for others, it's perfect timing. Will it, want it, it comes. Saving. Off now to continue detox and hibernate, still have work. Life should be a vacation and yes, amazingly simple.

Looking forward to this. On Saturday, June 27, at Checkpoint, Metro Star Mall, BF Homes, Up Dharma Down. Free entrance, 55 peso beers and Vigan bagnet and longanisa. Can't miss this, as what we do miss, does matter. 

 

Power and Tenderness

Control. Confidence. That streak. Strong, subdued, and it's there. That is the power that attracts. 

People say that I am strong. That I can intimidate. Maybe they see only what I want to show. To talk in such a way that there is a kind of power is second nature and sometimes, people back away because of what they "think" and it's better that they go away as I don't have the time for those things. People say I am strong yet I have to be. I feel most safe around powerful people as the task of being strong is not required as the reigns of control are taken over.

Power. What can be achieved by the person as they know their own mind, and what they are capable of, then there is something there that is much better than a placid lake as it is the sea and it deserves respect. To go out to sea, on has to be ready, as there is the awesome raging power. 

Having been around powerful people, it's sometimes difficult to handle them because they snap. Yet, that snap should not be taken personally, it's just the way they are. If intimidated, then I should step away but then it is best to stay as I believe firmly that if one hasn't done anything wrong, there won't be any trouble and if one did something wrong, then an apology should be given. 

Power. I know someone that is all talk, as if there was something that will be done yet it's just talk. The ones who don't talk about what they plan to do are the ones who will, might, and can. Someone who has power is more than just a bodybuilder as that is purely physical. It's one that'll defend their own stand and the people that they care for, and they do move. There are those who have been tamed yet the streak is there. It is very interesting and the strength can be felt. 

As contradictory as it may seem, powerful people can have tenderness. They get obedience and a whole load of other things on a daily basis and yet, they can differentiate between those who are simply there to please them because they are scared, those who perform up to par, and the ones who are loyal, among other things. 

Power. Let it take control or be controlled. As the tiredness goes through my body like a wave, power that can be terrifying like lightning may be harnessed as an energy source? 

Author's note: The dawn draws near. My thoughts drift as my eyes start to shut, shutting down. Power off. 

Moving On Concept

Delete. Rinse. Repeat. The concept of moving on was discussed and since this is one that is easy to do with a block, delete, unfriend and no reply, to end a relationship to "move on" no longer requires seeing the other person face to face. Getting rid of the talk, the actual closure, might fail to happen though maybe that's just me and not for people who have interwined their bond to include the tech part of it.

Moving on. Does it require what? The clearest explanation I got was moving forward in life as life does continue while one is moping not mopping the floors. Another one was to go from one to the next one. I don't get it. The concept of moving on for me is acceptance. If one has accepted that it's over then healing and repair can begin not reformatting. Wipe out does work but then there are times that the memory will jar the emotions, and when that happens, there is no moving on. Moping is part of the pain process of loving, correct? And when it is experienced, it seems like the world does stop, as the love might be lost. Of course, only the one you love can give such pain yet it is all emotion, indeed.

We might go about life focusing on someone then get blinded to the others that are there for us. In all things, it is a decision. Live with pain and hurt or not? Then upon realizing that it is rough sailing and the end is unclear, even to enjoy the times together gets tainted, so it must be ended. It is acceptance of the reality of the situation that harms the inside - then the determination to make the changes.

Moving on is a concept that is applied only when the relationship isn't working out. And, it is a decision. To make the changes is not easy as there is difficulty in letting go due to the time and effort yet there are paths that are much easier, simpler, and happier.

Drawing into light the concept of moving on - this can only happen when one makes a decision to no longer deal with the pain and saying. "Enough!"  Severing a good relationship completely, for me, doesn't really work as things have to be made clear and then how weird, the one that is lost and cried for does come back. Was it wrong to be needy? No. Yet if the relationship does not fulfill the needs then back out and give yourself and the other person a break.

Moving on for me means to first stop completely. Then if there is no one there to catch the fall, dealing with it. If there is someone there to catch the fall then make sure it is worth it. Settling for less isn't an option as that won't work, one has to avoid leaving the frying pan to go to the fire and avoid gong into another frying pan.

When the emotions stop overwhelming, it is time to make a decision. And, a decision to be happy is there, no need to ask Siri who will say that to find happiness, one must turn on location services.

Starting off my day by waking up to a knock on the door by someone who was looking for work, dragging myself out of the comfortable sofa I fell asleep on to open the door and saying to the guy who knocked that when I have work for him, I will text and I am still asleep, to crash back on the sofa, to bask in the feeling of feeling good to have done more than move on, as what I want is going to be there for me and never enough for today, not enough to stop the ridiculous notion that a relationship can work out without grabbing what is there - and found that there is a path that has no pain and yes, I am happy, today, without worries - it's all a decision as when the heart and mind agree, that works. I am free. 

Random Reflections

Routine. There's something reassuring about my days and nights. No jolts, no surprises, just an ordinary day. I dislike noise pollution and my home is quiet waking up to the chirping of the birds, sleeping to the shrill of the crickets. I do live in the city but there is no sound of cars passing the street with no noisy and nosy neighbors.

Lately, my mind has been racing, tackling the writing of a book, the editing of two books, the new website for my client, and I shut out the noise pollution as my brain can't be drained by placing on headphones and listening to music. It's been too hot to do much during the day, so I leisure the time away in the afternoon, hanging out with a few friends to tackle the chores and work at night and during the early morning. The past week my arm has been in pain because of my carpal tunnel syndrome yet I don't have much of a choice except to write as that is what I do.

My day starts. I wake up and think positive before opening my eyes. Sometimes my phone might ring and I answer it but if it is a text, before I can answer, I would like to be fully awake after drinking my usual two glasses of cool water. Then I check my smart phone for Facebook messages then open the computer to check my mail for work, This is the laptop I use with inspirational book for a mouse pad. The reason why the book inspires me is because it shot up in Kindle sales.

If only. These two words are really lousy. As in, a goal that cannot be reached, a dream that has been smashed to smithereens. If only things were like this, if only things were like that - I hear these words constantly and the discontent bothers me. There isn't any if only that works for me. It's either there or not. It's either with me or not. It's the reality not the lack of something that keeps my feet on the ground. An "if only" life that is based on material things is empty and then it turns to envy. What goes on in my mind is how the negativity and the "if only" has shattered my peace and like a gangrened leg, it must be cut off. As I am tired of complaining, even in a post, I have taken the first step.

Food and rest. What is utterly necessary is the rule of thumb but then I am normal so I do indulge once in a while. To sleep is good and when I changed my sleeping time to 9 pm to wake up at 4 or 5 am, it felt good. Falling asleep late in the afternoon at past 5 or 6 pm to wake up to cook dinner is also what I do when I stay awake all night. Though I am a night owl, I have been trying to change my sleeping time yet like today as I am waiting for a project to be completed, I can't sleep until it is emailed in.

Oops. Fell asleep waiting for the project and go the email when I woke up. I had lied down, burying my head on the pillow, thinking how soft and comfortable it was, then shut down the computer as it was impossible to stay awake. Now a new day has started and it looks like a cooler afternoon. I think I should bake now, if I am feeling well enough and have the energy as I do have a lot of other things to do. Oops and duh. These two words describe what I do at times when I am lost in my thoughts and can't hear the world, whatever is said doesn't really register. Lack of listening skills? There are times that I don't listen as I just can't, it doesn't sink it, it makes no sense, the words I hear aren't to the point, and my mind gets cluttered with useless information that can't get processed. The duh things that I do, ah, are kind of dumb and lately, I did something rather duh, but then, I should be kinder to myself as we all do and no one was hurt in the process of duhness.

Blogging. Soon, I would have posted enough to make an ebook. Would it change the world? I doubt it but if I could just reach out and touch just one person, that would make the diff. Like the way I am on Facebook and all the social networking sites, sometimes nuts but more often, I am there to listen. I blog because I want to write and that's what I do - and as random as these reflections are, this is me, not saying all that I would like to and letting go of the stress that has no space in my life.

Players in Life

Just viewing and observing is like being a CCTV such as a situation where there is a robbery and the CCTV can't do anything to provide better security. On the defense, offense, stalemate, or whatever, being part of the living and not a zombie from The Walking Dead, we choose how to go about our day and make things happen to make it different.

Last night I couldn't sleep like the other nights before that. I read, study, listen to music, after hanging out with some friends for great laughs. Having to go home for my pets early and seeing with pain the clothes depleted and the fixing that has to be done because another daughter has begun to fly out of the nest. No regrets for today, again, thank goodness, taking things in stride and making the best of the situation.

Spent a few minutes the past couple of days observing the man that I cut off. The bulging eyes, the turned back, after he spoke up explaining when there was no question asked, such a bad liar and what I hate most is those, to keep in mind that all should be written when dealing with those kinds of people that might drag me in to a void of desperation. I see him staying, immobilized, short stacking newspaper to give away - wondering what does he want to accomplish. I see him waiting for night and I see that he is wearing down. I wonder if he wonders how to get a hold of the financier for after all, that man I have cut off has to indeed struggle for a while as such a waste of time to provide me hope when all the while what was dangled was vaudeville act for him to get the investment he wanted. I could have danced but I did not upon advice and groan, yah right. Talk is cheap and nearly effortless yet I listen to sound advice to return home where time can stand still, thinking of the next move or if I should move at all. Effortless squat, the petty cash amounts, so instead I write as I  really can't figure out why a group of honest people would allow such a goon to be among them, acting like an entertainer with his loud voice dominating the conversation which is basically full of pride and his opinion - well, it is none of my business and I try to avoid being near such a person as I might get affiliated, argh!

That part of this post was written a while back. To continue.. I should place dates indeed.

June 17. Another normal and quiet day with the additional coolness of rain. Returning home from having the stitches in my eyelid removed as my brother who is a doctor took out a cyst last week, I felt sleepy and toxic. I had hurt my hand with a small knife cut as I was preparing lunch and had to force the small wound to bleed. Detoxing now with a cup of tea with honey, feeling sleepy, with not much of an appetite though I must eat as all I ate was lunch. Remembering how the cyst removal went, the delicate operation that my brother did, as there was a lighted long instrument anchoring my eyelid or so I think, as I yelped in the last few minutes, "There's something in my eye!" And he said, "Don't touch the instrument" as my hand was moving up. Nearly painless, only the sting of the needle was felt and the long sting of the thread removal today. I lie down now to rest, as this is the first real operation I have had in my life and I am glad the cyst is gone as there was the beginning of an infection already. The only other time I got operated on was for my eye bags to be removed with a slit incision at the bottom near the outer side of my eyes and the fat was pulled out. Right now I don't have eye bags and it has been many years, though I do have dark eye circles coz of lack of sleep.

A quiet night. Dogs are asleep. My head propped up on the pillows as I blog using a cellphone. Earlier today as I was at the side walk of a busy street, the sun was making me feel like I was going to sweat which I seldom do. The smell of the stench of the city, the fumes, the trash, the canal, made me hate the fact that people have to work and live in such areas, and then my mind drifts to more pleasant thoughts. Hmm..

Radical week. After the 2 benefit gigs I attended on Saturday and last night, the rock music has revived me as the entertainment was there. Evolution. Feeling like a Pokemon though I like Togepi. Are there only 3 stages and what kind of Pokemon am I? Maybe a fire Pokemon, if ever I get identified. Surrendering to the flow of the universe, as we say, "Don't let the pain control you." which is what Tupeng, a tattoo artist, was saying as he beat the drum, repeatedly, before at B-Side.

The benefit gigs show that though there are people with tats, it's not the pain, it's the no issue lifestyle, and that it is a world of acceptance and sharing, for who you are and the good that you can do. It's an awesome experience to be among these rockers and I appreciate the kind attention given plus the free beers too. The first pic which is rather unclear, is that of Ian Tayao and Louis Isok of Wilabaliw which was the benefit gig event at Checkpoint, Metro Star Mall, BF Homes Paranaque last Saturday. If you missed this gig, you missed a lot as aside from over 10 bands playing that night, Ian did his backflip and that signature side to side hip and knee dance, and as Isok wired the crowd, Ian started his haunting belt with a new move as his hands spread out like an eagle! The other gig was at Apache, which is where Swivel will open soon - wait for that chill place, and yes, only cool people are allowed! The second pic was the jam with the lead singer of Manila Under Fire and Anton Silos on the bass guitar. They played a number of songs and a couple of reggae tunes. It was great.

Checkpoint

Apache

Let the music play. Sometimes I feel like I can see right through people and know that some can see right through me. Let it be. Go drift with the waves, fall into the tide with the ebb, go for the life force and be alive. Since this is a totally random post which could be my signature move - there is nothing else to compare with being alive as we are players in life.

Not Molded By Hate

As we weave the tapestry of our life, there are glittered strings and plain ones. Anger, disgust, and ignoring matters may turn into a form of hate. The weaver's hand is kind and so is the potter's, and for a beautiful life, let it be not molded by hate.

Forgiveness resides in our beings. Yet pride and defence place the barriers up. We think only of ourselves sometimes and what we desire, when other people should come to mind. Yet, as there are people who thrive on anger and hate, complaining about the smallest thing, and the if  only's in their lives, we tend to close our hearts against such negative vibes. Kindness may be abused and dependence comes about, save that for the right ones and then, hurting others happens as what we think of others might be molded by hate.

In the absence, seek and see what is there. More than passion, there is, it is there. Feeling the gentleness touching like raindrops bringing tears to the eyes, and then it did not suffice. Feeling empty, seeking, and when the true one reached out with a gaze, once, twice, and the touch was felt as the love was there, the tears are held back, rocking the moonlight and turning the sunrise into twilight. The unspoken appeal to be there and for that long moment, there as no need as it was there.

We feel the touch from many lives. Some touch us more while others leave a stain and there is the ones that lead lives that are in so much pain as they have decided to lie down on a bed of thorns to shield the love light from their lives that is peppered with critism and anger,  and the true peace and goodness that follows with luck is not present in a life that has lack of forgiveness. There is truth and that whispers in the eyes and when locked, it stays, and warms the heart to calm the mind.

Making the Changes

When a friend of mine made a suggestion of writing about how one's feeling can fade away, I appreciated the input. Yet, knowing what is there and how the feeling won't fade, is the sadness that I will share. It's like an empty chair.

It's been awful. Confusing. Bewildering. But nice as romantic-platonic is very interesting and it does grow yet my sorrow can't handle it. There is an void and things are just not enough - and making the changes is a must for my peace of mind. As I see things with my heart and know that it can just be so right then I think of someone who might be hurting with unbelievable pain... Must close my eyes, my heart, my mind, and ignore what might have been and what could be as there is no waiting as what is being waited for is not a good thing. Then, I think of the kindness that walks with me through this life, how I feel the love of people who do take the time to make it a point to show me that they care and I remember the good things as that is best to do, as we all have our failings, things that we say that we do regret, things that we do and left undone, being human, we fail and sometimes, it is epic.

Another friend has been pulling me back to the ground. And she is right yet I know that making the changes is what pleases me, as there is a goal in sight, and moving the way I do has produced results such as more things to do, new friends, places to go to, and building back the social life that I had given up. Surging forward, things have been revived such as making cookies and though I miss my time at home, with the heat of the summer, it is far better to step out.

Distraction is a fun thing to do, in a way, and I have been thoroughly distracted in many ways. Keeping busy, finding new things to do, and then my friend she tells me, "Hey, come back!" and I do spend the time online to join contests and rush to do the oh so boring chores. Realizing that I hurt, I want to hurt right back and after stating what I do know about how I feel, build a formidable wall in trying to heal. With acceptance, the hurt does go away and the distractions are but distractions, and though I do itemize all the lousy things, what I don't like, what is not nice, I write in the middle of the night about these things, pouring my heart, and hoping that all is good for the one that I think about and how all will never be the same, again.

Making the changes means turning and walking away instead of staying and loving the moments together, making the changes so that these will be no wait as what the wait is for is not a good thing at all, and though I was the one who said that the decision should be that way, it is filled with regret to do the right thing, to protect someone else who doesn't care nor gives happiness. And then, to make myself feel better, I think that I am the best thing that ever happened to this relationship and I know that I am so wrong as it that person who is the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's past 2 am, June 13. I don't know where it is going because I have let go and though I have caused pain maybe or maybe not, there is something so missing, something that I have to distract myself from and I will, I have, as there is nothing to lose, nothing to hold onto, and nothing to wait for.

It's Not Goodbye (Movie, Sweet November)

A Constant

It's a good thing to be consistent when pulling the trigger of any gun. That is far different from emotions and what triggers reactions. I do watch people and see how they react to things and then try to figure why without being a psychologist but by being trying to see things from their point of view.

In as much as a long-playing admirer has been shunned once again, making him once tell me that he cried during the movie "Fifty First Dates" as he thought of me, and how I seemed to forget things and that maybe it was the Scotch, I do know what I get into so long ago and there is a reason that for many years, every reason has been made to say no, no way.

Been there, done that.

Swept off my feet, the whirlwind relationship that had the heights of passion was there. Yet, I found one that grew and that changed everything in my life during those Casablanca nights. Upon looking back, we both knew what we were getting into but stayed. When the trouble began, it was time for covering, protecting, and making the changes. Following my heart and mind made it easy and happiness was there, inspite of the sacrifice which didn't feel that way for years. I went through so many changes yet his reaction was still the same as he knew me, and lately, as I protected him once again, covering, as I said he was sick and dying,  what I did worked and he is safe.

So many things that I see now seem so superficial. There was a depth in love that grows to beyond what is physical. Love is gentle and kind. It is tenderness and compassion. It is a warmth that encompasses the very being and despite the upheavals, it remains consistent. This is beyond compare. No matter what happens, the changes in life, the tone was always the same, and now I do realize how true it is and though it has been years since then, to find such tenderness again seems impossible. What is past is past, right? Holding up a candle to a kind of love that is for keeps makes the difference though it may be kind of silly as our worlds are apart.

A constant. Never changing though it seems to the world that I do, if it is based on the physical, sure that'll do, though as based on the reactions, it will be trashed as it is useless to deal with a relationship that way as it won't last, well at least not with me. For many years, I have chosen to be alone as what I am waiting for is a constant. Silence has been broken to tell a tale for the hounds to stop as the assassins continue the hunt. Silence is golden. Silence has rewards. Silence brings about trust and makes things strong as there is protection and caring, as treasures should remain hidden.

Having a long talk with a man who poured out his woes, finally figured out that the blabber mouth of an innocent dinner was his date, then upon assessment of another who denied that she was hasty and jumped into bed despite the troubles she is in, had told people of her involvement, it is odd to think why the reckless nature would jeopardize something that they treasure instead of keeping their mouth shut.

To talk is easy. Yet silence is a constant and trust is strengthened for the relationship to continue the way it is. Ideal, it works and when that relationship has been severed, there is no longer any need for silence as there is nothing to protect and care for. Keeper of secrets, it has made trust create friendships that last. Talk is cheap and ruins things in the long run. Feeling undeserving of the anger and cold shoulder, being a constant does show that matters are treasured. Pandora's box is to be left unopened. No conditions as the trust is there not to be broken.

We react differently to people, even the ones that we see on a daily basis. What is primary is that caring should be ideally be done with gentleness. If the relationship is not based on that and trust, it becomes strained and may turn to be hurtful. So be it. In as much as good relationships are difficult to let go, people's reactions do change based on the physical and then, it's easy to decide to follow the mind instead of the heart as these are not in agreement - to be always happy.

Urbandub and Wilabaliw Sched for Checkpoint!

There are two Checkpoints in BF Homes and both are along Aguirre Ave. One is the checkpoint of the police which catches motorcycle riders to make them "hulidap" and the other Checkpoint is at the 3rd floor of Metro Star Mall and it's a rock bar.

Checkpoint Rock Bar is open from Wednesday until Saturday. It's going on a high volume, as always and it's surely has an awesome line up for this week that you might not want to miss one night!

With Gabby Alipe of Urbandub

Here's the Checkpoint Schedule this week!

June 10 - Indie Acoustic Night * Zsaris * Guil Sanches * The Sun Manager * Hans Dimayuga * Miss Ramone * The Slinks

June 11 - Yellow Room * Mayonnaise * Unica * Jensen and the Flips * One Click Straight * The Riot Act * March of December

June 12 - URBANDUB *Aspenway *Four Piece *Jurassic Pards *Trinidad

June 13 - Steady South & Babyboy Productions ( A benefit gig for cerebral palsy patients of Elsie Gaches village) *WILABALIW * Humdinger * Jurassic Pards * Painscale * Fuseboxx * Runbynine * Dreign * Save The Prophet * Godzilla vs Tokyo * Pile Driver * Bad Burn * Unico * Distorted Mankind

With Ian Tayao of Wilabaliw and Queso 

With no entrance fee and the beers at only 55 bucks, meals for less than 200, and the fantastic audio that you are going to enjoy, don't miss the biggest end of summer 2015 so that you can end it with a bang the way that only Checkpoint BF Homes can!

Can You Feel It?

As the rain cooled down this hot afternoon in June, I wanted to rest and sleep. I so love rainy afternoons though the plan was to walk the dogs, the relief from the heat was pleasant indeed even for my pets. 

Realizing that my blogspot timezone is at Pacific time, right now dealing harshly with myself for such a small thing is unacceptable especially since I work online, a couple of clicks has corrected it. Today is just like last Saturday, it's the quiet phase of a writer's life and blissfully rewarding as the correct words for the impact that is required to get the message across becomes formed. 

Needing to spend some time with my online friends, chatting about their prizes, it was a nice surprise to discover that I did win Welch's grape juice a couple of weeks ago but since I haven't been monitoring my notifs, it's a good thing that my friend congratulated me or I wouldn't have known. 

Staying at home and being online has been the way of life for years and in the offline world, it's the same, with people who seek to talk and spend time together. For nearly a decade, I had practically shut out the world and was very selective in who I spend time with, though I was still able to gather a few good friends in my neighborhood and in Tagaytay. This is a rather boring post to read maybe as I am feeling sleepy once again yet being in the zone... I write. 

Can You Feel It? 

Feel the positive vibes

Feel the change of the tide

Feel the balance of the chakras 

Without the swing of the pendulum.

The surge of the power transforming

Into an endless string of days.

The wondrous changes happening,

Astounding how the doors open wide,

See that there are no bleeding hearts.

Discard this worthless grounded love

To hold and own the soul with thine eyes. 

For in the struggle to break free

Escaping the inevitable is not possible

As that is what fate may dictate.

In the stillness, amidst the noise

To hide and mask what is inside

As the pain and tears subside.

For allocating life's pleasures

Can feel so right as time

May destroy what is true.

Eyes that pierce into the heart of which

Is bowing down and saying nay, 

Not now, not today, not this way

And to run away to return again,

As etched in forever it is written.

For my Taipan 

Too Long a Day

As I fell asleep at 11:30 last night, still finishing what I want to write, this morning June 3, when four am hit, I open my eyes and decided to go back to sleep. At 5:30 am I was awake and in the early morning light as the cool of the night dissipates, I stare at the blank web page and I couldn't write. Picking up my dog and stepping outside, feeling the sunlight light upon my arms and face, and then I think for a while then stop. Another one of those indecisive days that I should just keep going.

Tackling the tasks on hand, the largest cookies made perfectly, it seemed to be just another day, And, it was. I did have a nice time then I wish that I could have gone to ride a kayak with a lawn mower made into a motor that is missing a rudder or to the city that I love to eat bibinka and empanada, a vacation is way over due and now that it is school time I can take one soon as the place I will go to isn't going to be fully booked.

Kind of excited about the changes happening in my life. I could almost touch my dream to live away from the city, it's just a matter of time. I have to make the effort for it to come true and it does seem to be so easy right now but yet... Like what happened when I saw the investor walk by along with that awful man, and the investor smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up - all drawing for now.

All drawing. Just a figment of my imagination based on my plans on what I want. And it's all about me which gets rather boring even for me to write it. Winning is so far away. Give me a break, life and be kind now as it is daily, as bit by bit the trials come along from picking up the shattered pieces of a glass I didn't break and one that I shouldn't have to pick up...

For this summer day, I look around and see what I do have is something that has been lost, my standing my ground on the issues that have been passed down to me is way too much but I can't let go of the fight because I do want to win but still, what do I truly have here? There is nothing, really. What I care for can be brought with me. Still the difficulty of throwing in the towel for something that we have been fighting for - it's like a last stand.

Sorry, not an inspirational post except for the awesome cookies that I made today, it just slipped away. And, with these changes, most of my memories have faded, Tomorrow will be a far better day that this one that was too long. I know it has to be as that's the way it should go, step by step, long struggle upwards.

A couple of days after...

June 5. I saw the moon before the sunrise. A sleepless night, it was not tossing and turning, I was simply awake, thinking. A fine discussion, great advice. It's now past midnight so it's the 6th today, a Saturday. The moon is brilliant though not full and it has been stressful these past few days, so I carried my lively Jack Russell-Shihtzu and she laid still in my arms, raising her head a few times to kiss me as she always does as I rock her in the moonlight. Her stillness made me feel the peace that she had and when I placed her back in the open cage, she curled up to get ready to sleep, content.

These past few days and even before that, the discontentment in my life was because of monetary problems. I keep thinking of how to generate more.

Nothing has changed. The situation last year is this same this year. The hassles are still the same but far less, as I only need to do a few repairs to get ready for the rainy season. The expenses have been trimmed down to an astonishing low level. Life is routine and still fun, with my going out daily with my youngest to hang out in the coffee shop so we both can work in a quiet place as she does her school work and I go online to write with the fast internet plus get to meet new people. It's like home though I do have to dress up a bit and my hair curls has come out as the one who cut it was amazed on how it would do so when I want it tame, alas, too late, and now it's pins and combs when I step out as I don't like hair products but maybe a mousse would make it behave wonderfully.

Nothing has changed except the stress level that is imposed on me is bearing us down. I think of my Dad and how he had moved, pushed as enough was never enough and then I remember his sadness when times were down and help was difficult to find, when he gave so many people so much that during his wake, that's what many said. A friend of his estimated the other day that he generated and lost around 200 million and when I think about what my father had did, I do know what he would have done in my situation but he isn't me. With dignity, mustering up all the strength, I try to be brave and strong, with no fear of the future and then again, as we sacrifice to struggle up, it is time.

I dream of building my home in a far away place where it is cool and breezy. A part of me will not let go of the city life and I may have both. I think of my home and making it complete and then there's the part that wants to party with friends. There's the love to write and then the one that wants to stay offline and bake and cook. Oh, do I really have to decide?

A couple of days after, again...

June 7. Way after midnight so technically is June 8. End of the week and got to do a lot of things and solved a couple of things, and with the work nearly complete, to fine tune it is to be done when I wake up as I prefer to step away from what I write for a while so I can look at it objectively. Long week. Been too long a week. The tiredness made me feel like heck yesterday. Didn't feel like talking much as there's not much help to be found and still have to delve on my resources, though a hint from my Dad's friend showed one issue with a different light and his update about our former Bingo partner earning a lot nowadays sounds like it would be okay to talk with that guy yet I keep on trying to remember why exactly I am hesitant to do so and then I did. It was nice to finally talk with someone who speaks the same language as my Dad though the suggested course of action is the same for this man and a couple of others and it would be the same as Dad's, I am not listening as what I have is a sound proposal and getting a yes from someone who does not say no is not right as it can seem to be abusive. And, funny, I keep on asking for help to make a business proposal but then I do know how but the question on my mind is - a clean break or not? Long term income with the problems or a fast solution? And, is it the right time?

In a short discussion about anxiety with a couple of friends, what I found most interesting was the lack of understanding of what real anxiety is. Anxiety is a fear of what might happen and when the thoughts start repeating in the mind, it is the beginning of an anxiety attack. When I asked what caused my friend's anxiety, the list was general. The solution that was presented by another friend was not how to deal with anxiety but a decision making process.

Anxiety is something I know well and I deal with it. After having written well over 200 articles about it, the steps include focusing on what causes the anxiety, breathing techniques, exercise, meditation, doing activities to distract oneself from thinking, and talking to someone that you trust. I tried these all and know that the last step is the real way to stop an impending anxiety attack and that is to face the fear, head on. For example, if the fear is that there will be no money, find a way to make it, if the fear is about a child going astray, make sure to devote time to prevent it from happening, and if the anxiety issue is because of a person and how they deal with you, talk things over.

I recently had the beginnings of a anxiety attack and I faced my fear. It wasn't easy and still isn't easy as the cold hard slap of reality is like the feeling on a hot summer day before the rain falls. Trying to escape the fear with drinking, seeking pleasure, and distractions doesn't work, what has to be done it to face it, unmask it, and see what it really easy, and to back track a bit, knowing exactly what fear caused the anxiety which also can be caused by too much caffeine, an unhealthy diet especially with a high intake of sugary food and drinks, and lack of sleep as our brain needs rest. Realizing that the fear is based, as always, as doubting what tomorrow will bring, today is enough for today and will leave the worries for tomorrow when it happens yet I am not expecting worries, I know the problems will be there for me to tackle!

This week has been good and productive though I could have maybe pushed for more but I do think and stop. What I realized this week was having to deal with an act is not amusing and that life is a roller coaster ride and we go on it for the highs and the lows - and it'll just get better as time goes by to enjoy the ride.

Changes do occur and it's leveling up. Embracing life and what it has to offer does make things more positive in all aspects as there is excitement for nurturing a new day, the way things should be, and with a smile in my heart knowing that things are good, leave the anxiety for people who doubt in themselves, and surge forward to seize the day.

Just Because

Remembering the impulsive times of youth that I would pack up and run away to escape the city life to lie on a beach, taking action does happen just because it feels so right.

As we get older, our impulsive nature gets to be more under control. We study things, make decisions, and hardly act impulsively, placing into account many other things such as responsibility. Prioritizing is a must especially when budgeting for the family and throwing away money on impulsive things such as eating out in expensive restaurants may seem like a treat but then again, once the money has been spent, one has to generate the amount again. It is great to eat out and there are family bonding moments that call for it such as Sundays but then if things are on a budget, it is wise to save the money and make the meals at home more pleasant instead.

Just Because

Doing things "just because" can make us happy or get us in trouble. There are short-term and long-term consequences, perhaps results is a better word as consequences sounds like a negative thing. Being no longer that impulsive, I do take the opportunity that is presented to me while it is still there, as I know that it does only come once and regrets happen if it is lost.

A couple of weeks ago, being very angry, there was the perfect opportunity. After a series of texts that showed how truly a braggart and a liar that person was,to prevent his inflicting pain by using people that I consider as friends, he had to be stopped. Since talking about what he had done won't work as it would simply seem like backbiting and the way he would twist around stories to make himself look spotless, there was a decision that I made which would make him take the judgement stand.

I had informed him to keep away right after the undesirable incident but the past couple of days, he would insist on dropping by where I hang out, looking for his next prey, being loud and obnoxious with his peppered swear words, proud of his evil ways. He, up to today, does not realize that the investor that he dangled in front of me that he is now blocking has been warned, and that I have received a thumbs up signal with a smile from that man who did so while he was walking behind the back of that braggart while on their way out the door. It made me smile as I saw them yesterday walking out as the investor was holding up the paper, snapping, and after an hour, the braggart returned looking down, unable to continue to rip of the investor. Should I text him to meet? Maybe as he did say that he needed a week during our last meeting. No harm in trying or maybe I should wait until that evil man has gone out of the country.

Back to the perfect opportunity. As my buddy stepped out to pay for bills, the seat in front of that braggart was left empty. There was a glass of water on the table. The door was right beside were the one that I disliked was seated. So I pass by and hit the water with my hand and exited the door, fast! He also reacted fast as I expected, hitting me with his hand to slap my butt and scream, "Why are you mad at me?", Going back to the glass front door, I signaled the dude that was with me that it was time to leave, and he stepped out and we went to another restaurant. After cooling off, I went back, sat down, and the braggart started explaining his defense, not knowing that I never said a word to anyone except my closest friend. The more he talked, as the confession with denial spilled out, after I established his motives with a question, he was ignored. The perfect opportunity was there and I took it - since he was making me lose face for the wrong he had done, I cannot accept the crap he will continue to do and he has to be stopped. It worked. 

Opportunities are positive ones and I take it when I see that there will be the response, and does make me live life to the fullest as what is here today may not be there tomorrow, right? Just because does work and thinking about things too much and control makes us get eaten up with stress inside. To show anger and speak up is better than bottling it up as that leads to a heart attack. To show affection and care with little things such as a touch and talks make bonds stronger. To say things does work especially to the people we love and care for. Things do count and doing things 'just because' does work in our favor. 

Sharing this video of Enya singing with her undeniable classic allure a song entitled, "Only Time" that was featured in the movie, Sweet November, that is worth watching.

Bagnet, Burgers, and More

Having escaped the heat at home for the past few weeks, it is back to more home stay for me. Yesterday was a Friday and my youngest and I went to this burger place outside BF Homes for lunch. We didn't get the biggest one as no way can we devour that, and the point of the trip was to try the burger and what made it a hit, and the price was just right. She ordered one of the classic burgers and I had a hotdog. 

So after enjoying and scrutinizing lunch, the verdict is, great and yet, the patty has extenders that is why it is soft and the onions are sweated not caramelized as those should be browned. The fries are good as those were made from real potatoes and the brown sauce dip of the hamburger was not necessary. 

Dinner today was hamburger made from ground beef with the addition of a tablespoon of the McCormick hamburger seasoning that I won. The yield of half a kilo of ground beef that costs 102 pesos can make 6 medium patties without extenders. If I will extended with the use of soft bread crumbs, per piece of bread can add one more patty and the results would be a softer burger. Note that placing eggs or flour as binders makes burgers tough. The right way to make a burger is with pure ground beef, forming it into a ball then flattening it to become a patty. Burgers are flipped only once while cooking and if the ground beef is excellent, it may be placed on a plate after cooking and covered with a heavy plate for around 5 minutes so that the juices to come out which is the secret of preparing a steak before serving. 

Instead of making french fries, I boiled those small potatoes that cost 36 pesos a kilo, scrubbing these clean and leaving the peel on and then frying it in a little butter. Chopped parsley may be added to the butter while cooking the potatoes for it to look and taste gourmet. 

After our Friday lunch, I went to my usual hangout to see friends then to the coffee shop, lingering until after 9 pm so that I may see my daughter at her work place and she treated me out. Checkpoint Rock Bar at Metro Star Mall serves the real Vigan bagnet with the correct siding and it's only 150 pesos. Each bite provides the perfect crunch and a variety of texture as there is the skin that pops like chicharon, the soft fat, and the dark brown meat with the incomparable goodness when it comes to flavor. Right now I have no stock of bagnet at home and though I can make bagnet, it is work intensive so at this price, it's actually far better to just to eat bagnet at Checkpoint as the meat serving is large and you'll be wanting extra rice!

                The Real Vigan Bagnet 

My daughter and I chatted at the 3rd floor terrace after dinner as there was a rock awards event and the music was loud, of course, and the place was getting full. 

I did have lunch at my usual hangout today, June 6, but skipped having a couple of scoops of ice cream with cone as this has been my "summer treat" lately as I decided to buy ice cream for the house as there was mocha in the 3 plus 1 ice cream and mocha was my Dad's favorite flavor, even if he is no longer around, as there was a time that we went hunting for mocha ice cream and there was none to be found! To make eating the ice cream more interesting, I have made available the almond slivers, chopped peanuts, mini-marshmallows, and semi-sweet chocolate chips which I use for baking and there are fresh mangoes also to use instead of bananas. If requested to make chocolate sauce, it'll just take a few minutes to make by mixing cocoa powder, powdered sugar, and milk. 

Happy as the lava brownies I made for the coffee shop are nearly all gone and our chocolate chip cookies are becoming a hit again and I was thrilled as these two dudes were having these with their iced coffee and they said it was delicious! As I see the cookie stock getting depleted, it makes me remember the years that those cookies made us enough income on school days and I am excited as there are a lot of my kids friends who miss our cookies and now they can buy these once again at Barako Haus near Pizza Hut, BF Homes! 

Reserved for Cookie Monster 

The challenge after eating out is to try to replicate the dishes at home. There are a lot of food items that I cannot cook though American dishes are easy to make. Cooking at home is cheaper and one can eat well, to the point that the food may be made to be gourmet even on a budget but there are restaurants that you can go to that has great food for less than 200 pesos such as Checkpoint in BF Homes and Samu Eats at Z-compound, Malingap St, Teacher's Village, QC, the Japanese restaurant of my daughter, Timi, that has been getting rave reviews. 

Pork Katsu Bento

Beef Ramen Curry

And, of course, to chill on those night outs, as drinking at home is a no-no for me, I do love going to Metrowalk in Ortigas to hang out at Fluids bar for a couple of cold beers like what my daughter, Maxi and I did on Thursday.

Stepping out to eat and drink is great and yet, keep in mind that eating well at home doesn't have to be gourmet. There are a lot of good food that you can make. Click this link to learn how to make perfect sunny-side up, scrambled, and boiled eggs. 

Herbal Medicine: Take with Caution

Trapped, I couldn't make a graceful escape and attended a wellness seminar today, June 5. The various products were made from herbs that have been used for healing and rejuvenation since time immemorial. Herbal medicine does work and nearly all medication in the drugstore contain a percentage that is botanical and/or mineral. Yet, taking such herbal supplements isn't a thing that one should just do as there are adverse affects when the dosage is wrong. Herbs have been used since ancient times to provide relief and cure by the village healer in all corners of the globe, and it's not a hit and miss, there has to be the proper formulation, the correct amount of intake, how often it should be taken, and the targeted cure. Though there are herbal beverages one can take for wellness such as green tea and ginger tea, there are still certain concerns when taking these, as it is not wise to go for unlimited drinking. Detox is the same, as cleansing became a fad, and this I tried, crumpling up in agony due to the husks in the formula and trying also those natural cleansing teas that had me running to the bathroom - it's not for me. Taking anything internally without any sound proof that it works is not advisable as I know this person that took a health supplement that was made with a combination of herbs and she went into a diabetic comatose. 

The safest way to take herbal supplements is to go back to the grass root remedies. Don't take chances with new formulations. For you and your loved ones to get well, obtain pain relief, treatment and a cure, my advice would be to take the tried and tested ones such Ayurvedic medicine and Chinese medicine, and follow the doctor's advice to the letter, keeping in mind that most prescribed medication contains botanicals and these have passed the standards. 

Personal Reflection

My grandmother lived until the age of 94. My grandmother, Pilar Locsin Dominguez, who we fondly call Mamaita is one of the most awesome people that have ever lived. She followed the doctor's instructions to the letter, even using an alarm to wake up every 4 hours to take a medicine if required to do so. She had a notebook that she used to jot down all meds, what it was for, and had a weekly chart that indicated which med would be taken, at what time, and she would tick this after she takes the med as she might forget that she did. She would have lasted longer though she was weak already, needing to hold someone when she was walking, and she told us that we cannot allow the doctors place that tube down her throat again so that she will live as. I remember when her sister, Adelaida Locsin Ledesma, my grandaunt who taught me how to bake and cook things with her inspirational precision and perfection, had gone into coma. I was driving my Mamaita to the hospital and she asked me what to do as the doctors had said that the only reason why my Lola Adelaida was still alive was because of the apparatus and the meds. I told my Mamaita that Lola Adelaida made sure she had enough money so that people will take care of her when she was sick and she had stated that, and we are not going to pull out the plug. She lasted 5 days longer than what the doctors had said.

These wonderful women are forever gone and my life is just a pale reflection of how fabulous and perfect they were. What I learned through the years is more that just their experience as they were both teachers, it was how to create a niche in life and a happy home. My Mamaita couldn't cook yet she did other things to reach out and touch people, making them think that they are her favorite, and when she passed away, all us grandkids were insisting that we were the favorite, yet I know I am because she gave me all her books and my Lola Adeliada's recipe boxes, cookbooks, and collectible plates, the things that they valued the most. 

It's assuring to know how much I was loved by my Mamaita.

And it's assuring to know how I will look when I get old.

The morning of the day she died, Mamaita asked to go to the hospital and they said there was nothing wrong with her. She slumped down on the table during dinner time in her home. I had felt a great weakness during that day and that afternoon had fallen into a deep asleep. As I heard my Dad's phone ring in and my parents conversation as it was loud, I sensed the trouble and when I was asked to go with Dad, I couldn't open my eyes as all I wanted to do was sleep and I said, "Let me sleep." A couple of hours later, I heard my Mom crying and she said to me that my grandmother was dead and that we have to go, and I said, "Let me sleep." as I couldn't move, I felt frozen on the bed and the need to rest was overwhelming. After midnight, I had to stand up to go to the hospital to make sure my father eats and to take him home as my Mamaita told me to always take care of him.

I will never forget the feeling that I had that time my grandmother died. It was like a wave of tiredness covering my body. My eyes were forced shut as I refuse to open them and it was a peace like no other in a warmth that enveloped. I had felt her dying and it's not a scary thing at all, it is a deep sleep and rest. 

I don't know how to end this post, so I will just end it by repeating what I stated about taking herbal medication with caution and saying that I have to rest now as in many ways, I have died inside. 

Reformatting the Brain

What is past is past. We can't erase the memories. These make us what we are. Yet, there are always changes that must be made for us to be constantly improving and in a way, we can reformat our brains. Reformatting should erase all the things that we did in the past that we are not proud of, going forward to a new and improved life. Sad thing is that sometimes people still keep in their mind the way we were before, thinking that we are this way when we are not. It's okay though it may hurt, we just have to understand and know ourselves.

Like the way tea leaves settle at the bottom of a cup, what happens daily even if it is routine is never the same. It's better to keep our cards close to our chest instead of laying them on the table as we may not change the deal anymore or bluff but then what we do in life is not a game. Being dead serious in most things I do maybe means nothing to other people yet placing importance is vital so that it does make the difference, don't you agree?

Like in baking cookies and making other food stuff, I repeat and repeat until the recipe is perfect, and reject batches. Concentrating on baking the other day while I was getting a whole load of endless nonsensical talk with negative vibes, I place on my headphones to be able to finish as fast as possible. Concentrating on writing, I wake up early morning and wait for that one moment of inspiration that will make the difference to what I write, instead of settling for mediocre. Waving things away, the small things that people do for you, isn't for me, such as a card that was drawn by my kids for Mother's day or the my former maid preparing with pride the sweet potato harvest from the empty lot beside our house, giving it the credit that it deserves for it to be special.

Though I sometimes fail, well, maybe more often that I would like to accept and see how things slip away, painful regrets of what could have been and what could be, reformatting the brain is not an option really, it's healing and repair. Holding my battle-scarred heart within, I think of the love of my life and how it had worked until the realities of life stepped in. Incomparable? Yes, the passion is the kind written in books. Realizing that life does provide other chances for such matters such as romance, which is available nearly everywhere, to present myself the right way does ignite it but then that is not what I want as to sustain things, it has to be there on an ordinary day.

Being emotionally tired and in physical pain from my arm and my feet aching from walking, stocking up on nuts to gain back some of the weight that I lost, tears again in my eyes knowing that there is not much respect nor appreciation for taking things seriously, it might be best to say that what I do sometimes is not 100 percent focused with the end goal of perfecting the recipe - and that is a whole load of crap. Shallow, mundane, endless talk instead of endless walks, how things can stagnate and breed mosquitoes, it makes me cry. I look up sometimes to a brilliant blue sky and this moment, right now, before the dawn to see that there isn't a cloud in the sky, and I dream on, rejecting the batch that doesn't have the perfection and going for the next attempt if it is worth it, though sometimes, it isn't worth it.

Don't cry with me. Come to me with moments to live. 
We dance and enjoy life as the sun and moon does shine.

New Relationship Rules Includes a Time Frame

Shocked when I heard about the rules of the relationship game now, I first argued the point with my daughter then after things were explained to me, I understood what it is all about. It's a good thing to know what the new relationship rules are as these are quite civilized.

Having been married based on who won the fight, it's a totally different ball game right now. As the brothers battled it out for me, it was the way it was, then. I have seen big fights as the guy who courts one girl go all caveman like and hey, it was fun to watch, and our class used to even know that one group will fight with another group so if there was a party, the bait would be set and as we watched, it was the special message being sent but it isn't that way anymore.

Check out these rules. These things are being done, indeed.

There will be no fighting over the person that two people are courting. I have seen this it happens. There was this young lady would walk around with 2 guys who are both courting her following her around and our comment was that soon, those two guys would be holding hands! LOL

A breakup will not be announced to everyone until 2 weeks has passed. Of course, I believe that such a break would be talked about with the best friends but to others such as parents and on their Facebook status, this cannot be changed right away. This two week period is given in case the couple will reconcile and as couples do fight and cool off, instead of being on-off and agitating everyone else with an announcement that "we broke up and are back again" it's going to be a while before an "official" announcement is made.

No one in the group is allowed to court the girl who broke up with one of their friends for 6 months. An invader who is not part of their social group may do so but whoever is interested in the girl has to place his emotions on hold and just be her friend but no dating on a one-on-one basis.

If the two that broke up are no longer friendly and civilized, there is no way that both can be invited to certain parties and events. If one will be impolite, pours out their woes and destroys the other person, that is talked about and it crushes that person in that social circle. Alignments will be made to include that of social media like Facebook, wherein one person may experience a massive delete as the group can and will interfere. This radical move is deliberate and rather destructive. 

There are people that enter relationships too fast and complain that they got used. There are relationships that are like a Nokia so it is user-friendly. There are those that are based on commitment. Then, there is that which is based on a spark. 

These new relationship rules were explained to me by someone who belongs to this more civilized generation and as per my analysis, relationships should be given a chance and there is more to loving that just respect, there time frame is created for the couple to get back together if they want to.

Just wanted to share one of my all-time favorite videos to end this relationship post on a light note.

Tough Cookies? Still Great!

What are you going to do with a bunch of tough cookies?
Dunk them in coffee or milk!

Yesterday, I made a small batch of cookies to fill two baking trays. I bake 3 trays at a time but this time, I wanted to measure the yield and do costing plus check how the new presentation will come out as instead of placing the chocolate chips on top like before when my daughters, Sarah and Maxi, would individually top each cookie, I had mixed the chocolate chips into the batter. It made it look like a conventional cookie though my youngest said it looked better and of course, these take a lot less time to prepare. 

The first tray I pulled out was soft and chewy, and crunchy at the bottom. I placed these on a plate and "tested" one then "tested" another for texture and taste. Yes, it is our awesome chocolate chip cookies and we are bringing them back due to insistent public demand. 

I wanted to make the cookies more brown on top, so for the next tray, I made the heat higher and baked it for a longer period of time. Upon cooling and packing these, I brought them to the coffee shop and saved a few samples for my friends. The first one who tested it said it was like a biscotti and super crunchy but the true test for me is not what the person does comment, it's how much they eat and as the cookie was being wiped out,I knew it was okay. Then, I gave one to a big friend of mine who looks like he is a cookie monster and he said it was tough. Ah, finally, the truth! I tried to break it and I couldn't snap it easily. So he resolved it by smashing it with the side of his fisted hand - and look how it turned out! 

Yo Pizza Cookie! After cracking up and my taking this once in a life time cookie picture, he got a piece and ate it. I left him to enjoy the home-baked cookie heavenly bliss and stepped out for a drag. When I came back, he pointed and said, "I nearly finished it." 

Tough cookies aren't to be thrown away as this batch isn't burned just browned. Still edible for people with teeth, if the person does have chewing problems, dunk it. 

From my kitchen to your home with love,
Cindy