Tackling the tasks on hand, the largest cookies made perfectly, it seemed to be just another day, And, it was. I did have a nice time then I wish that I could have gone to ride a kayak with a lawn mower made into a motor that is missing a rudder or to the city that I love to eat bibinka and empanada, a vacation is way over due and now that it is school time I can take one soon as the place I will go to isn't going to be fully booked.
Kind of excited about the changes happening in my life. I could almost touch my dream to live away from the city, it's just a matter of time. I have to make the effort for it to come true and it does seem to be so easy right now but yet... Like what happened when I saw the investor walk by along with that awful man, and the investor smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up - all drawing for now.
All drawing. Just a figment of my imagination based on my plans on what I want. And it's all about me which gets rather boring even for me to write it. Winning is so far away. Give me a break, life and be kind now as it is daily, as bit by bit the trials come along from picking up the shattered pieces of a glass I didn't break and one that I shouldn't have to pick up...
For this summer day, I look around and see what I do have is something that has been lost, my standing my ground on the issues that have been passed down to me is way too much but I can't let go of the fight because I do want to win but still, what do I truly have here? There is nothing, really. What I care for can be brought with me. Still the difficulty of throwing in the towel for something that we have been fighting for - it's like a last stand.
Sorry, not an inspirational post except for the awesome cookies that I made today, it just slipped away. And, with these changes, most of my memories have faded, Tomorrow will be a far better day that this one that was too long. I know it has to be as that's the way it should go, step by step, long struggle upwards.
A couple of days after...
June 5. I saw the moon before the sunrise. A sleepless night, it was not tossing and turning, I was simply awake, thinking. A fine discussion, great advice. It's now past midnight so it's the 6th today, a Saturday. The moon is brilliant though not full and it has been stressful these past few days, so I carried my lively Jack Russell-Shihtzu and she laid still in my arms, raising her head a few times to kiss me as she always does as I rock her in the moonlight. Her stillness made me feel the peace that she had and when I placed her back in the open cage, she curled up to get ready to sleep, content.
These past few days and even before that, the discontentment in my life was because of monetary problems. I keep thinking of how to generate more.
Nothing has changed. The situation last year is this same this year. The hassles are still the same but far less, as I only need to do a few repairs to get ready for the rainy season. The expenses have been trimmed down to an astonishing low level. Life is routine and still fun, with my going out daily with my youngest to hang out in the coffee shop so we both can work in a quiet place as she does her school work and I go online to write with the fast internet plus get to meet new people. It's like home though I do have to dress up a bit and my hair curls has come out as the one who cut it was amazed on how it would do so when I want it tame, alas, too late, and now it's pins and combs when I step out as I don't like hair products but maybe a mousse would make it behave wonderfully.
Nothing has changed except the stress level that is imposed on me is bearing us down. I think of my Dad and how he had moved, pushed as enough was never enough and then I remember his sadness when times were down and help was difficult to find, when he gave so many people so much that during his wake, that's what many said. A friend of his estimated the other day that he generated and lost around 200 million and when I think about what my father had did, I do know what he would have done in my situation but he isn't me. With dignity, mustering up all the strength, I try to be brave and strong, with no fear of the future and then again, as we sacrifice to struggle up, it is time.
I dream of building my home in a far away place where it is cool and breezy. A part of me will not let go of the city life and I may have both. I think of my home and making it complete and then there's the part that wants to party with friends. There's the love to write and then the one that wants to stay offline and bake and cook. Oh, do I really have to decide?
A couple of days after, again...
June 7. Way after midnight so technically is June 8. End of the week and got to do a lot of things and solved a couple of things, and with the work nearly complete, to fine tune it is to be done when I wake up as I prefer to step away from what I write for a while so I can look at it objectively. Long week. Been too long a week. The tiredness made me feel like heck yesterday. Didn't feel like talking much as there's not much help to be found and still have to delve on my resources, though a hint from my Dad's friend showed one issue with a different light and his update about our former Bingo partner earning a lot nowadays sounds like it would be okay to talk with that guy yet I keep on trying to remember why exactly I am hesitant to do so and then I did. It was nice to finally talk with someone who speaks the same language as my Dad though the suggested course of action is the same for this man and a couple of others and it would be the same as Dad's, I am not listening as what I have is a sound proposal and getting a yes from someone who does not say no is not right as it can seem to be abusive. And, funny, I keep on asking for help to make a business proposal but then I do know how but the question on my mind is - a clean break or not? Long term income with the problems or a fast solution? And, is it the right time?
In a short discussion about anxiety with a couple of friends, what I found most interesting was the lack of understanding of what real anxiety is. Anxiety is a fear of what might happen and when the thoughts start repeating in the mind, it is the beginning of an anxiety attack. When I asked what caused my friend's anxiety, the list was general. The solution that was presented by another friend was not how to deal with anxiety but a decision making process.
Anxiety is something I know well and I deal with it. After having written well over 200 articles about it, the steps include focusing on what causes the anxiety, breathing techniques, exercise, meditation, doing activities to distract oneself from thinking, and talking to someone that you trust. I tried these all and know that the last step is the real way to stop an impending anxiety attack and that is to face the fear, head on. For example, if the fear is that there will be no money, find a way to make it, if the fear is about a child going astray, make sure to devote time to prevent it from happening, and if the anxiety issue is because of a person and how they deal with you, talk things over.
I recently had the beginnings of a anxiety attack and I faced my fear. It wasn't easy and still isn't easy as the cold hard slap of reality is like the feeling on a hot summer day before the rain falls. Trying to escape the fear with drinking, seeking pleasure, and distractions doesn't work, what has to be done it to face it, unmask it, and see what it really easy, and to back track a bit, knowing exactly what fear caused the anxiety which also can be caused by too much caffeine, an unhealthy diet especially with a high intake of sugary food and drinks, and lack of sleep as our brain needs rest. Realizing that the fear is based, as always, as doubting what tomorrow will bring, today is enough for today and will leave the worries for tomorrow when it happens yet I am not expecting worries, I know the problems will be there for me to tackle!
This week has been good and productive though I could have maybe pushed for more but I do think and stop. What I realized this week was having to deal with an act is not amusing and that life is a roller coaster ride and we go on it for the highs and the lows - and it'll just get better as time goes by to enjoy the ride.
Changes do occur and it's leveling up. Embracing life and what it has to offer does make things more positive in all aspects as there is excitement for nurturing a new day, the way things should be, and with a smile in my heart knowing that things are good, leave the anxiety for people who doubt in themselves, and surge forward to seize the day.
A couple of days after...
June 5. I saw the moon before the sunrise. A sleepless night, it was not tossing and turning, I was simply awake, thinking. A fine discussion, great advice. It's now past midnight so it's the 6th today, a Saturday. The moon is brilliant though not full and it has been stressful these past few days, so I carried my lively Jack Russell-Shihtzu and she laid still in my arms, raising her head a few times to kiss me as she always does as I rock her in the moonlight. Her stillness made me feel the peace that she had and when I placed her back in the open cage, she curled up to get ready to sleep, content.
These past few days and even before that, the discontentment in my life was because of monetary problems. I keep thinking of how to generate more.
Nothing has changed. The situation last year is this same this year. The hassles are still the same but far less, as I only need to do a few repairs to get ready for the rainy season. The expenses have been trimmed down to an astonishing low level. Life is routine and still fun, with my going out daily with my youngest to hang out in the coffee shop so we both can work in a quiet place as she does her school work and I go online to write with the fast internet plus get to meet new people. It's like home though I do have to dress up a bit and my hair curls has come out as the one who cut it was amazed on how it would do so when I want it tame, alas, too late, and now it's pins and combs when I step out as I don't like hair products but maybe a mousse would make it behave wonderfully.
Nothing has changed except the stress level that is imposed on me is bearing us down. I think of my Dad and how he had moved, pushed as enough was never enough and then I remember his sadness when times were down and help was difficult to find, when he gave so many people so much that during his wake, that's what many said. A friend of his estimated the other day that he generated and lost around 200 million and when I think about what my father had did, I do know what he would have done in my situation but he isn't me. With dignity, mustering up all the strength, I try to be brave and strong, with no fear of the future and then again, as we sacrifice to struggle up, it is time.
I dream of building my home in a far away place where it is cool and breezy. A part of me will not let go of the city life and I may have both. I think of my home and making it complete and then there's the part that wants to party with friends. There's the love to write and then the one that wants to stay offline and bake and cook. Oh, do I really have to decide?
A couple of days after, again...
June 7. Way after midnight so technically is June 8. End of the week and got to do a lot of things and solved a couple of things, and with the work nearly complete, to fine tune it is to be done when I wake up as I prefer to step away from what I write for a while so I can look at it objectively. Long week. Been too long a week. The tiredness made me feel like heck yesterday. Didn't feel like talking much as there's not much help to be found and still have to delve on my resources, though a hint from my Dad's friend showed one issue with a different light and his update about our former Bingo partner earning a lot nowadays sounds like it would be okay to talk with that guy yet I keep on trying to remember why exactly I am hesitant to do so and then I did. It was nice to finally talk with someone who speaks the same language as my Dad though the suggested course of action is the same for this man and a couple of others and it would be the same as Dad's, I am not listening as what I have is a sound proposal and getting a yes from someone who does not say no is not right as it can seem to be abusive. And, funny, I keep on asking for help to make a business proposal but then I do know how but the question on my mind is - a clean break or not? Long term income with the problems or a fast solution? And, is it the right time?
In a short discussion about anxiety with a couple of friends, what I found most interesting was the lack of understanding of what real anxiety is. Anxiety is a fear of what might happen and when the thoughts start repeating in the mind, it is the beginning of an anxiety attack. When I asked what caused my friend's anxiety, the list was general. The solution that was presented by another friend was not how to deal with anxiety but a decision making process.
Anxiety is something I know well and I deal with it. After having written well over 200 articles about it, the steps include focusing on what causes the anxiety, breathing techniques, exercise, meditation, doing activities to distract oneself from thinking, and talking to someone that you trust. I tried these all and know that the last step is the real way to stop an impending anxiety attack and that is to face the fear, head on. For example, if the fear is that there will be no money, find a way to make it, if the fear is about a child going astray, make sure to devote time to prevent it from happening, and if the anxiety issue is because of a person and how they deal with you, talk things over.
I recently had the beginnings of a anxiety attack and I faced my fear. It wasn't easy and still isn't easy as the cold hard slap of reality is like the feeling on a hot summer day before the rain falls. Trying to escape the fear with drinking, seeking pleasure, and distractions doesn't work, what has to be done it to face it, unmask it, and see what it really easy, and to back track a bit, knowing exactly what fear caused the anxiety which also can be caused by too much caffeine, an unhealthy diet especially with a high intake of sugary food and drinks, and lack of sleep as our brain needs rest. Realizing that the fear is based, as always, as doubting what tomorrow will bring, today is enough for today and will leave the worries for tomorrow when it happens yet I am not expecting worries, I know the problems will be there for me to tackle!
This week has been good and productive though I could have maybe pushed for more but I do think and stop. What I realized this week was having to deal with an act is not amusing and that life is a roller coaster ride and we go on it for the highs and the lows - and it'll just get better as time goes by to enjoy the ride.
Changes do occur and it's leveling up. Embracing life and what it has to offer does make things more positive in all aspects as there is excitement for nurturing a new day, the way things should be, and with a smile in my heart knowing that things are good, leave the anxiety for people who doubt in themselves, and surge forward to seize the day.
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