Making the Changes

When a friend of mine made a suggestion of writing about how one's feeling can fade away, I appreciated the input. Yet, knowing what is there and how the feeling won't fade, is the sadness that I will share. It's like an empty chair.

It's been awful. Confusing. Bewildering. But nice as romantic-platonic is very interesting and it does grow yet my sorrow can't handle it. There is an void and things are just not enough - and making the changes is a must for my peace of mind. As I see things with my heart and know that it can just be so right then I think of someone who might be hurting with unbelievable pain... Must close my eyes, my heart, my mind, and ignore what might have been and what could be as there is no waiting as what is being waited for is not a good thing. Then, I think of the kindness that walks with me through this life, how I feel the love of people who do take the time to make it a point to show me that they care and I remember the good things as that is best to do, as we all have our failings, things that we say that we do regret, things that we do and left undone, being human, we fail and sometimes, it is epic.

Another friend has been pulling me back to the ground. And she is right yet I know that making the changes is what pleases me, as there is a goal in sight, and moving the way I do has produced results such as more things to do, new friends, places to go to, and building back the social life that I had given up. Surging forward, things have been revived such as making cookies and though I miss my time at home, with the heat of the summer, it is far better to step out.

Distraction is a fun thing to do, in a way, and I have been thoroughly distracted in many ways. Keeping busy, finding new things to do, and then my friend she tells me, "Hey, come back!" and I do spend the time online to join contests and rush to do the oh so boring chores. Realizing that I hurt, I want to hurt right back and after stating what I do know about how I feel, build a formidable wall in trying to heal. With acceptance, the hurt does go away and the distractions are but distractions, and though I do itemize all the lousy things, what I don't like, what is not nice, I write in the middle of the night about these things, pouring my heart, and hoping that all is good for the one that I think about and how all will never be the same, again.

Making the changes means turning and walking away instead of staying and loving the moments together, making the changes so that these will be no wait as what the wait is for is not a good thing at all, and though I was the one who said that the decision should be that way, it is filled with regret to do the right thing, to protect someone else who doesn't care nor gives happiness. And then, to make myself feel better, I think that I am the best thing that ever happened to this relationship and I know that I am so wrong as it that person who is the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's past 2 am, June 13. I don't know where it is going because I have let go and though I have caused pain maybe or maybe not, there is something so missing, something that I have to distract myself from and I will, I have, as there is nothing to lose, nothing to hold onto, and nothing to wait for.

It's Not Goodbye (Movie, Sweet November)