Rainy Days and Cat

Aside from the stray cats that my kids used to pick up and take home to care for, I have had two pet cats in my life, one of which was a Persian cat named Ming and another one that was a Siamese cat that we called Crookshanks. The character of these two felines were worlds apart as Ming was like a stuffed toy and Crookshanks meowed a lot like he was talking and was very active.

I like pets and though my heart was recently broken because my toy poodle passed away, there are the other animals that I won't forget such as Chowder who was a long haired Guinea pig and the two Chinese chickens who I called Sun and Moon. The number of rabbits that I have owned made me give up on taking care of them though I do love rabbits, though they don't live that long. There was a time that I took care of hamsters and had over 40 of them - and my maid got feed up and told me to sell all, so I did, because one of the bit my big toe while I was lying down in my room where I set them all free to run around to play.

Listening to music this rainy afternoon is relaxing and the rains from the past days has helped me wash away the tears from my eyes as I do miss my pet Bailey. Working, writing, hanging out with friends, baking, all of these things I have been doing lately so I am busy and when it comes to the time that I rest or like now write, there is a space for her that is now blank. Though I have two other dogs, one which has taken over her place beside me in my bed and the other one that loves to stay on my lap while I type, Bailey is, by far, the pet that I loved the most.

Not time to make the change as there will be healing as time passes. I do know that I have to go and do things, and yes, I am enjoying the changes in my life but for today, this rainy afternoon, I am taking a break so that I may enjoy the solitude that us writers need to think, feel, so we may us it in what we write, while listening to Cat Stevens song about how real the differences of opinions are between a parent and a child. 

Enjoying the Changes

For a long time, I have been online, yet lately decided to make changes and step out more often. It started by playing Bejewelled the whole night and my partner then would be super mad, telling me to go to sleep. I didn't follow him and he gave up. The fascination of being online has always been there - and now WiFi is like the air that I breath at home.

Stepping out had been confusing at one point as the "atmosphere" cannot be controlled. Online and at home, I don't have to deal with anyone I don't want to and can evade reacting until I am ready. I did miss out on a lot of things and to gain friends and keep old ones, I had to step out. It was indeed confusing, starting off with noise pollution, then the smell of the city, the trash, then the effort that it takes to dress up and look good, and some days, I just want to be comfortable and see that many of my friends don't care how I look.

So to prevent confusion, I have been more selective, though the selection comes after spending time with the person. It is good to have great company and share laughs, though I do get rather depressing after a few big doses, it does go both ways, sometimes. It's more fun nowadays, having the time to talk and chill, and since I have been out more often, I did miss out on a lot of contests and promos but then I realized that the bonds I have made online are strong, also.

Irreplaceable. That is most probably the keyword of this entire post. Though I have a lot of friends, places to go to, things to do, each and every individual that I care for is irreplaceable. And, with a few tweaks to this music video, like the word love and all that romantic pressure play, it hold true to what I have stated, for my peace of mind, my feeling settled, and that happiness. For all things are a decision and it is a decision to be happy. 

Non-Acidic Civet Coffee: Perfect Java Jolt

Presented in a tea-bag unique steep method, rather than miss out on a hot cup of java because the tummy is turning due to acidity or settling for that mediocre non-acid coffee that tastes so watered down, there is non-acidic coffee that'll allow you to drink as much as you want without the gurgling feeling of gassy pain. and it taste so awesomely great! 

"Masarap ang mainit na Barako Sibet kape kapag umuulan." 

- Al Serrano, owner, Barako Haus 

BF Homes Paranaque, Phase I, near Pizza Hut

How the Civet Coffee at Barako Haus is made. Unique steep!

Civet coffee is currently the most expensive coffee in the world. For that fantastic cup of java which is what Queen Elizabeth drinks and is the most-sought after in the world, at half the price of  the other Civet coffee available in the Philippines, get that perfect cup, hot or cold at Barako Haus, BF Homes, Paranaque. 

If and when it happens, it will

How can one miss something that they don't have?

Dwelling on the past does have adverse effects and yet, the memory of a love lost does bring that good feeling, like when eating your favorite chocolate. What I have come to realize is that love, romantic, passionate, and all that jazz, is one that has the highs and lows. We all know that yet should pain be part and parcel of loving?

No. I did try to study that pain and even lived with it, with relationships that were based on the emotional factor. Filling the need or shall we say the desire to want someone in our life, we seek, get found, and thrive. Yet, as in all relationships, people do fail to meet our expectations, and even when we say we don't expect, we do.

So what happens is that we surge forward, holding on. It is time to let go, again, and again, to live free of expectations that do turn into pain when disappointed. Forgiveness is another factor that comes into play and in all humility, it should happen, yet, it isn't easy especially when we decide to harden our hearts.

The difficult part of having past broken and lost relationships is the hardening of the heart. Instead of going with the flow, the mind takes over, saying "No!" let us evade the situation, falling in love hurts, that bad experience will happen again, and yes, that is anxiety which as I said before, I well know. Our emotions overwhelm with joy of a love found, the times together and then, due to past experiences, the trust gets diminished. not because of what the person did but because of our past experiences. Give it a break.. give the person a chance... and as we hold our hearts in control, flowing into it does not happen.

I firmly believe my heart will not harden when it comes to giving love a chance yet - I have closed the door for now. Waiting for a knock won't happen as that person should have the key. As my mind thinks, decisions made and yes, it is best to let things go as I do not want to hope or even feel, as control is the keyword in a lot of matters and hey, who am I to say that I don't lose control?

In the solitude of writing, my heart is yearning for that zen mode to come again. The deep thoughts, the flow, the fluidity, the writing with passion, the imagination, the focus that brings about some of the best written work. Is this living? Is it making a living? Is being a writer a hindrance to loving? I don't think it is and yes, I live to write as this makes me alive.

As we try to make the illusion of love real, I sadly shake my head. I know it is real as I have had the love of my life. Is there going to be a new one? For now, I don't know and I don't care because if and when it happens, it will. No blank space. 

  

Back to Regular Programming

Same time, same channel. There is something reassuring about consistency and though my back aches right now and my right arm aches slightly from CTS, I have to blog. My mind keeps on working and I do have to write these things down as there has been a lot of changes in my life  - and the best one was brought about by a friend (and friends) who is/are consistent, strong, trustworthy and yes, it's the same time and same channel kind of feeling.

As anxiety rears its ugly head often enough in my life, due to others and even my own repeated thoughts, I sometimes get my own encouraging words to my friends being repeated to me. Like work and pray and know that God by His grace and mercy will give it to us and that Law of Attraction thing that if we work towards a goal, it will be true. The universe has been kind and the vibes have been good and more laughter fills my days and nights, and it is from an unexpected source that has been the turning point. 

There was a point(s) in time that I didn't feel strong enough and even avoided the conflict(s) after I had stood up and fought, held my stand, and seemingly threw in the towel as I did my best, and now, for a few of the issues that I have encountered, see that I did win. Though I admit that there are mistakes on my part, some done because of anxiety and some unintentionally, some due to stupidity like the duh things I do.  

I have heard a lot of advice and the best kind, like tomorrow always comes, live for today, forget the past, and all that, though the most effective was the ones that I heard from that friend who did state things that are true to what I feel such as about getting over things is not that easy and forgetting isn't also - though I forget the exact words, the statements rings with the truth or more like in accordance of what I feel.

A normal placid day with regular programming can become boring. What makes our life different is how we live it. I love to face challenges though I know when I can't handle things anymore. We decide what to do with our lives and for me, it is never the pursuit of money, nor entertainment, glory and other things, it is simply to be happy. A constant, consistency, amidst all the stressors of daily life, and not from seeking outside to cover the loneliness, as I do have my writing also, but to seek from within, and in thanks for the support that brings one up when they feel down - in the hope that I also do that for others.

Here's a song from one of my favorite singers, Sting, entitled, When We Dance. Very romantic and though I know that romantic love exists, it is one that is constant that makes us feel settled.

 

Bailey: Her Spirit Came Back

On June 30, 2015, my pet dog, Bailey, a toy poodle, was put to sleep. It was a decision that I had to make and in her critical state and the pain that she was in the night before, it was the best decision to make. 

Bailey at Casa de Carlo, Tagaytay

Though my heart is not heavy from having to decide, what my children had feared the most of how I will be affected when I do lose her, did happen and having been missing her so much since that day, I saw her in my dream state before I woke up. 

I saw Bailey when she young and healthy. She had a limp leg for a long time due to an accident. The Bailey that I saw walking into the living room from the open yard door was when she was most beautiful. It lasted for just a few seconds and I know she is here in my home, continuing to be with me. I bring flowers to her grave, she was constantly with me as I brought her as often as I can as she loved going out. 

With tears streaming now, I do miss my Bailey. She starts my day as we step out into the street and when it is late afternoon. She has so many people who know her by name and she was called a good and well behaved dog who never barks when we are out. She guarded the house, sounding intruder alerts twice, and that was able to save us. 

Bailey saved me from loneliness. She gave me happiness, unconditionally. I was able to give her a happy life and when I took her home from the first vet check that day she died, after I gave her the pain reliever, she was wagging her tail, and she did so a number of times when I called out her name while she was in her dog bed. When she refused to drink and was beginning to flop in my arms, I rushed out of the house, carrying her wrapped in a t-shirt in my arms. As we went to the vet, I could feel her fading away, and I knew I was losing my beloved pet. Silently screaming, I was in pain as I felt her life going away as I carried her in my arms and when we got to the vet, I gave up, let her go. I let her go and I couldn't be in that room, not inside, standing outside with tears falling, pacing. Taking her home in a box, a sympathetic man who also lost his dog that day, did the task of digging and burying her. I bring flowers to her grave, walking around the area to pick a couple, and yes, today, she is here back in my home, as she does have a soul, a spirit, as she was alive. 

Letting go is difficult. There is no one or no dog that can take her place. I can say that I am happy to have her as part of my life - and I miss her so much that it aches. I love you, Bailey. 

Bailey with my daughter, Sarah, who owned her. 

The Pendulum Swings

Been focusing my energy on the balancing of the chakras and realizing that it has been unfair. There are other ways to go about finding the balance and in forgetting what the true nature is, how that point may be achieved, the way of surging forward was done in a manner that was wrong for it is not in others that we may find the balance, it is within ourselves.

Thus, I have snapped out of this, returning to the basics of how the color pendulum swings and noting that it is more that what traps us in the world. For to live in a mountaintop like that of a monk, there is peace without the trappings of society, without having to deal with others, without expectations, and sadly, apologetic, it has been wrong to seek fulfillment outside, from others, when ideally, I should have known as my third eye is open. For too long, I have forgotten, how to focus on the light, how to make it envelope my mind and how to swing a pendulum to balance the chakras. Getting irritated by minor things from the same source that pounds me with the major problems that there is no solution as it is the heart of discontent has been happening far too long to disrupt matters and though I may point the blame, it is the my reaction that stops the swing of the pendulum, among other things. 

Chasing the wind as the concept of time held me down, a void has been opened, seeking love only to be met with passion and desires. That void cannot be filled by anything as there is nothing to fill as it does not exist, as it exists only a soul that has been held onto this earth that must break away from the grounded nature. 

A rainy walk and long talks strikes a chord of harmony and learning - that there was something that I have been procrastinating about and to thinking about it, there is no excuse for why I am doing so as that is the solution, plus after dwelling on other topics - I do have an apology to give: 

You have been wonderful and there is more to you than meets the eye. In the depth of your spirit, the understanding and the saving made it possible for strength to return, to remove the pain. Thus, I acknowledge that because of your goodness, there has been a positive change to my life. Thoughts should have remained unspoken yet it is too late for that and I appreciate your understanding and this apology must be said as it was not your need that was thought of, in my failing, the thoughts were for myself, what I believed that was lacking and it is unfair to have burdened you. I was wrong and though there is no justifying feelings, it is just feelings that are out of focus. I am sorry and I am asking for forgiveness. It is not enough to say that I am but human. The primary concern should have been you. Please accept this apology. 

As I take a few deep breaths to finish this post, with a heart full of gratefulness and gladness for the understanding and acceptance of the weakness of the spirit, the lack of balance, and how it is good to know that the trust is there, though a few tears fall, it not because of sadness but from the spirit leveling up to a point of knowing that the mindfulness of the truth - of the suffering and the cause, of the end of suffering because of what frees us - is within. 

A five minute video. Please don't swat the unicorn, just read the words.

 

How simple it could be

Times had seemed so tough. Rough. Anger had been there, frustration, arguments, making the rattle of the mind so strong that the heart gets upset.

Then, there is calm and peace. Oh the zen of my days. Makes me want to adore the very ground that is walked on. Is that possible? Is it too easy? Can it be so simply wonderful? Serotonin happiness. It's in the mind.

As I lounge, resting after having done a lot of tasks, there is a woman here who had talked to me for 20 minutes and though I smiled and answered, I didn't understand a word she was saying. And as I kick back to write this post, she is still talking and I don't understand a word she says. The tone of voice is sales and yesz so brain dead tonight. Long day. Ends with no stress.

May the gods be kind and wipe the tears away from the heart that just simply wants to be understood. We have but today and the path is easy. This is sounding silly.. Well, nearly time to go home and rest.

June 24. 11:26pm
To know the pain of too much tenderness - Kahlil Gibran

Has No Title

Fiction.

From a deep slumber, awakening to the sound of wailing words, repeated, disruptive, self-pity drowning out the hate, my brain gets cluttered, smashing it with the noise of the loud cries, the zen mode of the past few days and the serotonin happiness begins to fly away. Feeling oppressed by the sounds that have been reverberating throughout the walls, knowing that it is intentionally done for attention, it's time to take deep  breaths and shrug the matter off yet that doesn't happen. 

How to obtain freedom from such musings? There is a way yet it takes too much effort as the energy in my body gets drained. Wishing for a real problem, one that has clinical basis that is far better and worth dealing with than that early evening drama TV shows come to life - not a mind game. I still get affected as the depression due to the consequences of actions that is of their own doing is one that is a heavy burden that I am forced to partake. After all those chances to overcome and not being an invalid, it's the limitations that stop the progress, bearing down on mine. My mind and heart screams as I need to dwell on something real - and focus on the tasks on hand. 

A normal, placid day is impossible to have. When all is going well, then the trouble begins so that there will be some action and there shall be emotion, among the other things that feeds the high of discontent. Been dragged down too long and even a simple conversation is peppered with lies. There is no cure. No treatment can be provided. It's the attitude. And, that is impossible to change from the outside. Seemingly poignant in the loneliness, seemingly miserable and faking the relationships to for that one-way advantage, throwing rocks in my way as I refuse to let go of my peace of mind. 

Time to escape. Then the turmoil starts inside me, oh that haze, turning the wondrous HD days and nights filled with smiles and productivity into a long pull downward to make it nearly impossible for me to get to the mountain top while enjoying the trek and the view. This must end as anger and pride wells up inside as the sympathy has long died for those wailing cries. 

Another one plays a mastermind game. It's been a winning streak for me as even when losing, there was a better option. No longer trying to figure out how heartless, crude rejection can be turned around as that was accomplished, knowing that there is regret to hold an empty shell and the mind games have begun to lure me back into the trap, as I see the distraught, covering up a broken heart that was brought about by my deciding to give back kindness, forgiveness, and friendship, when mine got stabbed by sheer disregard and disrespect that was the equivalent of nothingness blaming it on my ego when I don't even know why as I humbly apologized. Do I really give a squat now? Find time.

In gratefulness,this tirade ends,  If those events didn't happen, there would be no zen mode, no discovery of a treasure, no to many things that are worth spending time and effort on where there is not much apology to do there is understanding. 

Yes, I can read your mind. 

What You Mind, Matters

The duh things that I do. Ordered a Happy meal at Jollibee. When curtly informed that they only have Kiddie meals, I ordered a bucket of fries. Got reprimanded by my kid, saying, "Mom! That's from KFC!"

Detoxing time. A bit too much FUNdador and beer these past few weeks. Sleep, tea, barley, sun, walking, and studying. Going offline does wear me down and the fun, well it's fun, but today even trying to figure what to wear is an effort so it's stay at home time. There are some people that are so nice to stay with and there are certain ones that make me feel wired, too tired, weird, and messed up, then I figured out that the mess isn't me, it's the reaction and that was sending signals and yes, I am a mind reader, among the many of my so endearing qualities...

As I do have just to face challenges, especially if I am in the midst of things, never backing out of what has to be done. I did, and when it was done, in my mind, which matters the most, it was like a sigh of relief and then I had a breath of fresh air, clearing the cobwebs of my mind. Just had a great weekend, Hibernated today, June 22 though it is the 23rd now as it is morning and finishing work by Wednesday.

What you mind, matters. To stop thinking is impossible, well, I feel brain dead sometimes. To stop thinking repeated thoughts is difficult, distraction is a must. To stop anxiety is possible. One of the best advice when it comes to 'thinking' that I got was from a painter who said, "What I do is I think about it then forget."  He also forgets what he had for lunch - though I got his point about dwelling on things. Right now I am not really thinking, forcing myself to write to not lose the timing, and yes, it's a good thing to have the solace and silence of writing. Thoughts do happen, like did I say too much or did I say the wrong thing? Well, it is a matter of trust in the people I do spend time with. Hibernating. Hiding. No longer there even if I will be there, aha, catch 22. Will it, beckon it, and it comes, sometimes for others, it is too late, and while for others, it's perfect timing. Will it, want it, it comes. Saving. Off now to continue detox and hibernate, still have work. Life should be a vacation and yes, amazingly simple.

Looking forward to this. On Saturday, June 27, at Checkpoint, Metro Star Mall, BF Homes, Up Dharma Down. Free entrance, 55 peso beers and Vigan bagnet and longanisa. Can't miss this, as what we do miss, does matter. 

 

Power and Tenderness

Control. Confidence. That streak. Strong, subdued, and it's there. That is the power that attracts. 

People say that I am strong. That I can intimidate. Maybe they see only what I want to show. To talk in such a way that there is a kind of power is second nature and sometimes, people back away because of what they "think" and it's better that they go away as I don't have the time for those things. People say I am strong yet I have to be. I feel most safe around powerful people as the task of being strong is not required as the reigns of control are taken over.

Power. What can be achieved by the person as they know their own mind, and what they are capable of, then there is something there that is much better than a placid lake as it is the sea and it deserves respect. To go out to sea, on has to be ready, as there is the awesome raging power. 

Having been around powerful people, it's sometimes difficult to handle them because they snap. Yet, that snap should not be taken personally, it's just the way they are. If intimidated, then I should step away but then it is best to stay as I believe firmly that if one hasn't done anything wrong, there won't be any trouble and if one did something wrong, then an apology should be given. 

Power. I know someone that is all talk, as if there was something that will be done yet it's just talk. The ones who don't talk about what they plan to do are the ones who will, might, and can. Someone who has power is more than just a bodybuilder as that is purely physical. It's one that'll defend their own stand and the people that they care for, and they do move. There are those who have been tamed yet the streak is there. It is very interesting and the strength can be felt. 

As contradictory as it may seem, powerful people can have tenderness. They get obedience and a whole load of other things on a daily basis and yet, they can differentiate between those who are simply there to please them because they are scared, those who perform up to par, and the ones who are loyal, among other things. 

Power. Let it take control or be controlled. As the tiredness goes through my body like a wave, power that can be terrifying like lightning may be harnessed as an energy source? 

Author's note: The dawn draws near. My thoughts drift as my eyes start to shut, shutting down. Power off. 

Moving On Concept

Delete. Rinse. Repeat. The concept of moving on was discussed and since this is one that is easy to do with a block, delete, unfriend and no reply, to end a relationship to "move on" no longer requires seeing the other person face to face. Getting rid of the talk, the actual closure, might fail to happen though maybe that's just me and not for people who have interwined their bond to include the tech part of it.

Moving on. Does it require what? The clearest explanation I got was moving forward in life as life does continue while one is moping not mopping the floors. Another one was to go from one to the next one. I don't get it. The concept of moving on for me is acceptance. If one has accepted that it's over then healing and repair can begin not reformatting. Wipe out does work but then there are times that the memory will jar the emotions, and when that happens, there is no moving on. Moping is part of the pain process of loving, correct? And when it is experienced, it seems like the world does stop, as the love might be lost. Of course, only the one you love can give such pain yet it is all emotion, indeed.

We might go about life focusing on someone then get blinded to the others that are there for us. In all things, it is a decision. Live with pain and hurt or not? Then upon realizing that it is rough sailing and the end is unclear, even to enjoy the times together gets tainted, so it must be ended. It is acceptance of the reality of the situation that harms the inside - then the determination to make the changes.

Moving on is a concept that is applied only when the relationship isn't working out. And, it is a decision. To make the changes is not easy as there is difficulty in letting go due to the time and effort yet there are paths that are much easier, simpler, and happier.

Drawing into light the concept of moving on - this can only happen when one makes a decision to no longer deal with the pain and saying. "Enough!"  Severing a good relationship completely, for me, doesn't really work as things have to be made clear and then how weird, the one that is lost and cried for does come back. Was it wrong to be needy? No. Yet if the relationship does not fulfill the needs then back out and give yourself and the other person a break.

Moving on for me means to first stop completely. Then if there is no one there to catch the fall, dealing with it. If there is someone there to catch the fall then make sure it is worth it. Settling for less isn't an option as that won't work, one has to avoid leaving the frying pan to go to the fire and avoid gong into another frying pan.

When the emotions stop overwhelming, it is time to make a decision. And, a decision to be happy is there, no need to ask Siri who will say that to find happiness, one must turn on location services.

Starting off my day by waking up to a knock on the door by someone who was looking for work, dragging myself out of the comfortable sofa I fell asleep on to open the door and saying to the guy who knocked that when I have work for him, I will text and I am still asleep, to crash back on the sofa, to bask in the feeling of feeling good to have done more than move on, as what I want is going to be there for me and never enough for today, not enough to stop the ridiculous notion that a relationship can work out without grabbing what is there - and found that there is a path that has no pain and yes, I am happy, today, without worries - it's all a decision as when the heart and mind agree, that works. I am free. 

Random Reflections

Routine. There's something reassuring about my days and nights. No jolts, no surprises, just an ordinary day. I dislike noise pollution and my home is quiet waking up to the chirping of the birds, sleeping to the shrill of the crickets. I do live in the city but there is no sound of cars passing the street with no noisy and nosy neighbors.

Lately, my mind has been racing, tackling the writing of a book, the editing of two books, the new website for my client, and I shut out the noise pollution as my brain can't be drained by placing on headphones and listening to music. It's been too hot to do much during the day, so I leisure the time away in the afternoon, hanging out with a few friends to tackle the chores and work at night and during the early morning. The past week my arm has been in pain because of my carpal tunnel syndrome yet I don't have much of a choice except to write as that is what I do.

My day starts. I wake up and think positive before opening my eyes. Sometimes my phone might ring and I answer it but if it is a text, before I can answer, I would like to be fully awake after drinking my usual two glasses of cool water. Then I check my smart phone for Facebook messages then open the computer to check my mail for work, This is the laptop I use with inspirational book for a mouse pad. The reason why the book inspires me is because it shot up in Kindle sales.

If only. These two words are really lousy. As in, a goal that cannot be reached, a dream that has been smashed to smithereens. If only things were like this, if only things were like that - I hear these words constantly and the discontent bothers me. There isn't any if only that works for me. It's either there or not. It's either with me or not. It's the reality not the lack of something that keeps my feet on the ground. An "if only" life that is based on material things is empty and then it turns to envy. What goes on in my mind is how the negativity and the "if only" has shattered my peace and like a gangrened leg, it must be cut off. As I am tired of complaining, even in a post, I have taken the first step.

Food and rest. What is utterly necessary is the rule of thumb but then I am normal so I do indulge once in a while. To sleep is good and when I changed my sleeping time to 9 pm to wake up at 4 or 5 am, it felt good. Falling asleep late in the afternoon at past 5 or 6 pm to wake up to cook dinner is also what I do when I stay awake all night. Though I am a night owl, I have been trying to change my sleeping time yet like today as I am waiting for a project to be completed, I can't sleep until it is emailed in.

Oops. Fell asleep waiting for the project and go the email when I woke up. I had lied down, burying my head on the pillow, thinking how soft and comfortable it was, then shut down the computer as it was impossible to stay awake. Now a new day has started and it looks like a cooler afternoon. I think I should bake now, if I am feeling well enough and have the energy as I do have a lot of other things to do. Oops and duh. These two words describe what I do at times when I am lost in my thoughts and can't hear the world, whatever is said doesn't really register. Lack of listening skills? There are times that I don't listen as I just can't, it doesn't sink it, it makes no sense, the words I hear aren't to the point, and my mind gets cluttered with useless information that can't get processed. The duh things that I do, ah, are kind of dumb and lately, I did something rather duh, but then, I should be kinder to myself as we all do and no one was hurt in the process of duhness.

Blogging. Soon, I would have posted enough to make an ebook. Would it change the world? I doubt it but if I could just reach out and touch just one person, that would make the diff. Like the way I am on Facebook and all the social networking sites, sometimes nuts but more often, I am there to listen. I blog because I want to write and that's what I do - and as random as these reflections are, this is me, not saying all that I would like to and letting go of the stress that has no space in my life.

Players in Life

Just viewing and observing is like being a CCTV such as a situation where there is a robbery and the CCTV can't do anything to provide better security. On the defense, offense, stalemate, or whatever, being part of the living and not a zombie from The Walking Dead, we choose how to go about our day and make things happen to make it different.

Last night I couldn't sleep like the other nights before that. I read, study, listen to music, after hanging out with some friends for great laughs. Having to go home for my pets early and seeing with pain the clothes depleted and the fixing that has to be done because another daughter has begun to fly out of the nest. No regrets for today, again, thank goodness, taking things in stride and making the best of the situation.

Spent a few minutes the past couple of days observing the man that I cut off. The bulging eyes, the turned back, after he spoke up explaining when there was no question asked, such a bad liar and what I hate most is those, to keep in mind that all should be written when dealing with those kinds of people that might drag me in to a void of desperation. I see him staying, immobilized, short stacking newspaper to give away - wondering what does he want to accomplish. I see him waiting for night and I see that he is wearing down. I wonder if he wonders how to get a hold of the financier for after all, that man I have cut off has to indeed struggle for a while as such a waste of time to provide me hope when all the while what was dangled was vaudeville act for him to get the investment he wanted. I could have danced but I did not upon advice and groan, yah right. Talk is cheap and nearly effortless yet I listen to sound advice to return home where time can stand still, thinking of the next move or if I should move at all. Effortless squat, the petty cash amounts, so instead I write as I  really can't figure out why a group of honest people would allow such a goon to be among them, acting like an entertainer with his loud voice dominating the conversation which is basically full of pride and his opinion - well, it is none of my business and I try to avoid being near such a person as I might get affiliated, argh!

That part of this post was written a while back. To continue.. I should place dates indeed.

June 17. Another normal and quiet day with the additional coolness of rain. Returning home from having the stitches in my eyelid removed as my brother who is a doctor took out a cyst last week, I felt sleepy and toxic. I had hurt my hand with a small knife cut as I was preparing lunch and had to force the small wound to bleed. Detoxing now with a cup of tea with honey, feeling sleepy, with not much of an appetite though I must eat as all I ate was lunch. Remembering how the cyst removal went, the delicate operation that my brother did, as there was a lighted long instrument anchoring my eyelid or so I think, as I yelped in the last few minutes, "There's something in my eye!" And he said, "Don't touch the instrument" as my hand was moving up. Nearly painless, only the sting of the needle was felt and the long sting of the thread removal today. I lie down now to rest, as this is the first real operation I have had in my life and I am glad the cyst is gone as there was the beginning of an infection already. The only other time I got operated on was for my eye bags to be removed with a slit incision at the bottom near the outer side of my eyes and the fat was pulled out. Right now I don't have eye bags and it has been many years, though I do have dark eye circles coz of lack of sleep.

A quiet night. Dogs are asleep. My head propped up on the pillows as I blog using a cellphone. Earlier today as I was at the side walk of a busy street, the sun was making me feel like I was going to sweat which I seldom do. The smell of the stench of the city, the fumes, the trash, the canal, made me hate the fact that people have to work and live in such areas, and then my mind drifts to more pleasant thoughts. Hmm..

Radical week. After the 2 benefit gigs I attended on Saturday and last night, the rock music has revived me as the entertainment was there. Evolution. Feeling like a Pokemon though I like Togepi. Are there only 3 stages and what kind of Pokemon am I? Maybe a fire Pokemon, if ever I get identified. Surrendering to the flow of the universe, as we say, "Don't let the pain control you." which is what Tupeng, a tattoo artist, was saying as he beat the drum, repeatedly, before at B-Side.

The benefit gigs show that though there are people with tats, it's not the pain, it's the no issue lifestyle, and that it is a world of acceptance and sharing, for who you are and the good that you can do. It's an awesome experience to be among these rockers and I appreciate the kind attention given plus the free beers too. The first pic which is rather unclear, is that of Ian Tayao and Louis Isok of Wilabaliw which was the benefit gig event at Checkpoint, Metro Star Mall, BF Homes Paranaque last Saturday. If you missed this gig, you missed a lot as aside from over 10 bands playing that night, Ian did his backflip and that signature side to side hip and knee dance, and as Isok wired the crowd, Ian started his haunting belt with a new move as his hands spread out like an eagle! The other gig was at Apache, which is where Swivel will open soon - wait for that chill place, and yes, only cool people are allowed! The second pic was the jam with the lead singer of Manila Under Fire and Anton Silos on the bass guitar. They played a number of songs and a couple of reggae tunes. It was great.

Checkpoint

Apache

Let the music play. Sometimes I feel like I can see right through people and know that some can see right through me. Let it be. Go drift with the waves, fall into the tide with the ebb, go for the life force and be alive. Since this is a totally random post which could be my signature move - there is nothing else to compare with being alive as we are players in life.

Not Molded By Hate

As we weave the tapestry of our life, there are glittered strings and plain ones. Anger, disgust, and ignoring matters may turn into a form of hate. The weaver's hand is kind and so is the potter's, and for a beautiful life, let it be not molded by hate.

Forgiveness resides in our beings. Yet pride and defence place the barriers up. We think only of ourselves sometimes and what we desire, when other people should come to mind. Yet, as there are people who thrive on anger and hate, complaining about the smallest thing, and the if  only's in their lives, we tend to close our hearts against such negative vibes. Kindness may be abused and dependence comes about, save that for the right ones and then, hurting others happens as what we think of others might be molded by hate.

In the absence, seek and see what is there. More than passion, there is, it is there. Feeling the gentleness touching like raindrops bringing tears to the eyes, and then it did not suffice. Feeling empty, seeking, and when the true one reached out with a gaze, once, twice, and the touch was felt as the love was there, the tears are held back, rocking the moonlight and turning the sunrise into twilight. The unspoken appeal to be there and for that long moment, there as no need as it was there.

We feel the touch from many lives. Some touch us more while others leave a stain and there is the ones that lead lives that are in so much pain as they have decided to lie down on a bed of thorns to shield the love light from their lives that is peppered with critism and anger,  and the true peace and goodness that follows with luck is not present in a life that has lack of forgiveness. There is truth and that whispers in the eyes and when locked, it stays, and warms the heart to calm the mind.

Making the Changes

When a friend of mine made a suggestion of writing about how one's feeling can fade away, I appreciated the input. Yet, knowing what is there and how the feeling won't fade, is the sadness that I will share. It's like an empty chair.

It's been awful. Confusing. Bewildering. But nice as romantic-platonic is very interesting and it does grow yet my sorrow can't handle it. There is an void and things are just not enough - and making the changes is a must for my peace of mind. As I see things with my heart and know that it can just be so right then I think of someone who might be hurting with unbelievable pain... Must close my eyes, my heart, my mind, and ignore what might have been and what could be as there is no waiting as what is being waited for is not a good thing. Then, I think of the kindness that walks with me through this life, how I feel the love of people who do take the time to make it a point to show me that they care and I remember the good things as that is best to do, as we all have our failings, things that we say that we do regret, things that we do and left undone, being human, we fail and sometimes, it is epic.

Another friend has been pulling me back to the ground. And she is right yet I know that making the changes is what pleases me, as there is a goal in sight, and moving the way I do has produced results such as more things to do, new friends, places to go to, and building back the social life that I had given up. Surging forward, things have been revived such as making cookies and though I miss my time at home, with the heat of the summer, it is far better to step out.

Distraction is a fun thing to do, in a way, and I have been thoroughly distracted in many ways. Keeping busy, finding new things to do, and then my friend she tells me, "Hey, come back!" and I do spend the time online to join contests and rush to do the oh so boring chores. Realizing that I hurt, I want to hurt right back and after stating what I do know about how I feel, build a formidable wall in trying to heal. With acceptance, the hurt does go away and the distractions are but distractions, and though I do itemize all the lousy things, what I don't like, what is not nice, I write in the middle of the night about these things, pouring my heart, and hoping that all is good for the one that I think about and how all will never be the same, again.

Making the changes means turning and walking away instead of staying and loving the moments together, making the changes so that these will be no wait as what the wait is for is not a good thing at all, and though I was the one who said that the decision should be that way, it is filled with regret to do the right thing, to protect someone else who doesn't care nor gives happiness. And then, to make myself feel better, I think that I am the best thing that ever happened to this relationship and I know that I am so wrong as it that person who is the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's past 2 am, June 13. I don't know where it is going because I have let go and though I have caused pain maybe or maybe not, there is something so missing, something that I have to distract myself from and I will, I have, as there is nothing to lose, nothing to hold onto, and nothing to wait for.

It's Not Goodbye (Movie, Sweet November)

A Constant

It's a good thing to be consistent when pulling the trigger of any gun. That is far different from emotions and what triggers reactions. I do watch people and see how they react to things and then try to figure why without being a psychologist but by being trying to see things from their point of view.

In as much as a long-playing admirer has been shunned once again, making him once tell me that he cried during the movie "Fifty First Dates" as he thought of me, and how I seemed to forget things and that maybe it was the Scotch, I do know what I get into so long ago and there is a reason that for many years, every reason has been made to say no, no way.

Been there, done that.

Swept off my feet, the whirlwind relationship that had the heights of passion was there. Yet, I found one that grew and that changed everything in my life during those Casablanca nights. Upon looking back, we both knew what we were getting into but stayed. When the trouble began, it was time for covering, protecting, and making the changes. Following my heart and mind made it easy and happiness was there, inspite of the sacrifice which didn't feel that way for years. I went through so many changes yet his reaction was still the same as he knew me, and lately, as I protected him once again, covering, as I said he was sick and dying,  what I did worked and he is safe.

So many things that I see now seem so superficial. There was a depth in love that grows to beyond what is physical. Love is gentle and kind. It is tenderness and compassion. It is a warmth that encompasses the very being and despite the upheavals, it remains consistent. This is beyond compare. No matter what happens, the changes in life, the tone was always the same, and now I do realize how true it is and though it has been years since then, to find such tenderness again seems impossible. What is past is past, right? Holding up a candle to a kind of love that is for keeps makes the difference though it may be kind of silly as our worlds are apart.

A constant. Never changing though it seems to the world that I do, if it is based on the physical, sure that'll do, though as based on the reactions, it will be trashed as it is useless to deal with a relationship that way as it won't last, well at least not with me. For many years, I have chosen to be alone as what I am waiting for is a constant. Silence has been broken to tell a tale for the hounds to stop as the assassins continue the hunt. Silence is golden. Silence has rewards. Silence brings about trust and makes things strong as there is protection and caring, as treasures should remain hidden.

Having a long talk with a man who poured out his woes, finally figured out that the blabber mouth of an innocent dinner was his date, then upon assessment of another who denied that she was hasty and jumped into bed despite the troubles she is in, had told people of her involvement, it is odd to think why the reckless nature would jeopardize something that they treasure instead of keeping their mouth shut.

To talk is easy. Yet silence is a constant and trust is strengthened for the relationship to continue the way it is. Ideal, it works and when that relationship has been severed, there is no longer any need for silence as there is nothing to protect and care for. Keeper of secrets, it has made trust create friendships that last. Talk is cheap and ruins things in the long run. Feeling undeserving of the anger and cold shoulder, being a constant does show that matters are treasured. Pandora's box is to be left unopened. No conditions as the trust is there not to be broken.

We react differently to people, even the ones that we see on a daily basis. What is primary is that caring should be ideally be done with gentleness. If the relationship is not based on that and trust, it becomes strained and may turn to be hurtful. So be it. In as much as good relationships are difficult to let go, people's reactions do change based on the physical and then, it's easy to decide to follow the mind instead of the heart as these are not in agreement - to be always happy.

Urbandub and Wilabaliw Sched for Checkpoint!

There are two Checkpoints in BF Homes and both are along Aguirre Ave. One is the checkpoint of the police which catches motorcycle riders to make them "hulidap" and the other Checkpoint is at the 3rd floor of Metro Star Mall and it's a rock bar.

Checkpoint Rock Bar is open from Wednesday until Saturday. It's going on a high volume, as always and it's surely has an awesome line up for this week that you might not want to miss one night!

With Gabby Alipe of Urbandub

Here's the Checkpoint Schedule this week!

June 10 - Indie Acoustic Night * Zsaris * Guil Sanches * The Sun Manager * Hans Dimayuga * Miss Ramone * The Slinks

June 11 - Yellow Room * Mayonnaise * Unica * Jensen and the Flips * One Click Straight * The Riot Act * March of December

June 12 - URBANDUB *Aspenway *Four Piece *Jurassic Pards *Trinidad

June 13 - Steady South & Babyboy Productions ( A benefit gig for cerebral palsy patients of Elsie Gaches village) *WILABALIW * Humdinger * Jurassic Pards * Painscale * Fuseboxx * Runbynine * Dreign * Save The Prophet * Godzilla vs Tokyo * Pile Driver * Bad Burn * Unico * Distorted Mankind

With Ian Tayao of Wilabaliw and Queso 

With no entrance fee and the beers at only 55 bucks, meals for less than 200, and the fantastic audio that you are going to enjoy, don't miss the biggest end of summer 2015 so that you can end it with a bang the way that only Checkpoint BF Homes can!

Can You Feel It?

As the rain cooled down this hot afternoon in June, I wanted to rest and sleep. I so love rainy afternoons though the plan was to walk the dogs, the relief from the heat was pleasant indeed even for my pets. 

Realizing that my blogspot timezone is at Pacific time, right now dealing harshly with myself for such a small thing is unacceptable especially since I work online, a couple of clicks has corrected it. Today is just like last Saturday, it's the quiet phase of a writer's life and blissfully rewarding as the correct words for the impact that is required to get the message across becomes formed. 

Needing to spend some time with my online friends, chatting about their prizes, it was a nice surprise to discover that I did win Welch's grape juice a couple of weeks ago but since I haven't been monitoring my notifs, it's a good thing that my friend congratulated me or I wouldn't have known. 

Staying at home and being online has been the way of life for years and in the offline world, it's the same, with people who seek to talk and spend time together. For nearly a decade, I had practically shut out the world and was very selective in who I spend time with, though I was still able to gather a few good friends in my neighborhood and in Tagaytay. This is a rather boring post to read maybe as I am feeling sleepy once again yet being in the zone... I write. 

Can You Feel It? 

Feel the positive vibes

Feel the change of the tide

Feel the balance of the chakras 

Without the swing of the pendulum.

The surge of the power transforming

Into an endless string of days.

The wondrous changes happening,

Astounding how the doors open wide,

See that there are no bleeding hearts.

Discard this worthless grounded love

To hold and own the soul with thine eyes. 

For in the struggle to break free

Escaping the inevitable is not possible

As that is what fate may dictate.

In the stillness, amidst the noise

To hide and mask what is inside

As the pain and tears subside.

For allocating life's pleasures

Can feel so right as time

May destroy what is true.

Eyes that pierce into the heart of which

Is bowing down and saying nay, 

Not now, not today, not this way

And to run away to return again,

As etched in forever it is written.

For my Taipan 

Too Long a Day

As I fell asleep at 11:30 last night, still finishing what I want to write, this morning June 3, when four am hit, I open my eyes and decided to go back to sleep. At 5:30 am I was awake and in the early morning light as the cool of the night dissipates, I stare at the blank web page and I couldn't write. Picking up my dog and stepping outside, feeling the sunlight light upon my arms and face, and then I think for a while then stop. Another one of those indecisive days that I should just keep going.

Tackling the tasks on hand, the largest cookies made perfectly, it seemed to be just another day, And, it was. I did have a nice time then I wish that I could have gone to ride a kayak with a lawn mower made into a motor that is missing a rudder or to the city that I love to eat bibinka and empanada, a vacation is way over due and now that it is school time I can take one soon as the place I will go to isn't going to be fully booked.

Kind of excited about the changes happening in my life. I could almost touch my dream to live away from the city, it's just a matter of time. I have to make the effort for it to come true and it does seem to be so easy right now but yet... Like what happened when I saw the investor walk by along with that awful man, and the investor smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up - all drawing for now.

All drawing. Just a figment of my imagination based on my plans on what I want. And it's all about me which gets rather boring even for me to write it. Winning is so far away. Give me a break, life and be kind now as it is daily, as bit by bit the trials come along from picking up the shattered pieces of a glass I didn't break and one that I shouldn't have to pick up...

For this summer day, I look around and see what I do have is something that has been lost, my standing my ground on the issues that have been passed down to me is way too much but I can't let go of the fight because I do want to win but still, what do I truly have here? There is nothing, really. What I care for can be brought with me. Still the difficulty of throwing in the towel for something that we have been fighting for - it's like a last stand.

Sorry, not an inspirational post except for the awesome cookies that I made today, it just slipped away. And, with these changes, most of my memories have faded, Tomorrow will be a far better day that this one that was too long. I know it has to be as that's the way it should go, step by step, long struggle upwards.

A couple of days after...

June 5. I saw the moon before the sunrise. A sleepless night, it was not tossing and turning, I was simply awake, thinking. A fine discussion, great advice. It's now past midnight so it's the 6th today, a Saturday. The moon is brilliant though not full and it has been stressful these past few days, so I carried my lively Jack Russell-Shihtzu and she laid still in my arms, raising her head a few times to kiss me as she always does as I rock her in the moonlight. Her stillness made me feel the peace that she had and when I placed her back in the open cage, she curled up to get ready to sleep, content.

These past few days and even before that, the discontentment in my life was because of monetary problems. I keep thinking of how to generate more.

Nothing has changed. The situation last year is this same this year. The hassles are still the same but far less, as I only need to do a few repairs to get ready for the rainy season. The expenses have been trimmed down to an astonishing low level. Life is routine and still fun, with my going out daily with my youngest to hang out in the coffee shop so we both can work in a quiet place as she does her school work and I go online to write with the fast internet plus get to meet new people. It's like home though I do have to dress up a bit and my hair curls has come out as the one who cut it was amazed on how it would do so when I want it tame, alas, too late, and now it's pins and combs when I step out as I don't like hair products but maybe a mousse would make it behave wonderfully.

Nothing has changed except the stress level that is imposed on me is bearing us down. I think of my Dad and how he had moved, pushed as enough was never enough and then I remember his sadness when times were down and help was difficult to find, when he gave so many people so much that during his wake, that's what many said. A friend of his estimated the other day that he generated and lost around 200 million and when I think about what my father had did, I do know what he would have done in my situation but he isn't me. With dignity, mustering up all the strength, I try to be brave and strong, with no fear of the future and then again, as we sacrifice to struggle up, it is time.

I dream of building my home in a far away place where it is cool and breezy. A part of me will not let go of the city life and I may have both. I think of my home and making it complete and then there's the part that wants to party with friends. There's the love to write and then the one that wants to stay offline and bake and cook. Oh, do I really have to decide?

A couple of days after, again...

June 7. Way after midnight so technically is June 8. End of the week and got to do a lot of things and solved a couple of things, and with the work nearly complete, to fine tune it is to be done when I wake up as I prefer to step away from what I write for a while so I can look at it objectively. Long week. Been too long a week. The tiredness made me feel like heck yesterday. Didn't feel like talking much as there's not much help to be found and still have to delve on my resources, though a hint from my Dad's friend showed one issue with a different light and his update about our former Bingo partner earning a lot nowadays sounds like it would be okay to talk with that guy yet I keep on trying to remember why exactly I am hesitant to do so and then I did. It was nice to finally talk with someone who speaks the same language as my Dad though the suggested course of action is the same for this man and a couple of others and it would be the same as Dad's, I am not listening as what I have is a sound proposal and getting a yes from someone who does not say no is not right as it can seem to be abusive. And, funny, I keep on asking for help to make a business proposal but then I do know how but the question on my mind is - a clean break or not? Long term income with the problems or a fast solution? And, is it the right time?

In a short discussion about anxiety with a couple of friends, what I found most interesting was the lack of understanding of what real anxiety is. Anxiety is a fear of what might happen and when the thoughts start repeating in the mind, it is the beginning of an anxiety attack. When I asked what caused my friend's anxiety, the list was general. The solution that was presented by another friend was not how to deal with anxiety but a decision making process.

Anxiety is something I know well and I deal with it. After having written well over 200 articles about it, the steps include focusing on what causes the anxiety, breathing techniques, exercise, meditation, doing activities to distract oneself from thinking, and talking to someone that you trust. I tried these all and know that the last step is the real way to stop an impending anxiety attack and that is to face the fear, head on. For example, if the fear is that there will be no money, find a way to make it, if the fear is about a child going astray, make sure to devote time to prevent it from happening, and if the anxiety issue is because of a person and how they deal with you, talk things over.

I recently had the beginnings of a anxiety attack and I faced my fear. It wasn't easy and still isn't easy as the cold hard slap of reality is like the feeling on a hot summer day before the rain falls. Trying to escape the fear with drinking, seeking pleasure, and distractions doesn't work, what has to be done it to face it, unmask it, and see what it really easy, and to back track a bit, knowing exactly what fear caused the anxiety which also can be caused by too much caffeine, an unhealthy diet especially with a high intake of sugary food and drinks, and lack of sleep as our brain needs rest. Realizing that the fear is based, as always, as doubting what tomorrow will bring, today is enough for today and will leave the worries for tomorrow when it happens yet I am not expecting worries, I know the problems will be there for me to tackle!

This week has been good and productive though I could have maybe pushed for more but I do think and stop. What I realized this week was having to deal with an act is not amusing and that life is a roller coaster ride and we go on it for the highs and the lows - and it'll just get better as time goes by to enjoy the ride.

Changes do occur and it's leveling up. Embracing life and what it has to offer does make things more positive in all aspects as there is excitement for nurturing a new day, the way things should be, and with a smile in my heart knowing that things are good, leave the anxiety for people who doubt in themselves, and surge forward to seize the day.