Blame the Feeling

The written reflections of a 90 year old woman that I admire moved me to tears. When she was hurt by a loved one, she had forgiven him, and said that nobody is perfect - and to blame it on the feeling.

Blame it on the feeling. Not on other people's fault. Not on failed expectations. Not on the weather. We feel hurt. Don't peg the blame. Peg the feeling.

As I listened to what she wrote being read out loud, I loved the simplicity of the words used, the flow, and the goodness, which showed in what she wrote. Unlike me, anxiety, worry, stress, with that edge of anger, she has none, and maybe that is why she is perky and beautiful at the age of 90.

A glass is a glass but if you say it is a cup, I won't argue -- she said this to me before. She.does that because that kind of argument cannot be won.

Blame it on the feeling.

Applies for many feelings. Sometimes, it's better to be silent. As feelings do change.

Needing Special Attention

It may seem to be normal yet there are certain people who need special attention. I feel that way some days though have drifted back to my quieter mode lately, feeling secure in what I have, what I want, as the universe has been kind to me.

Getting to know a person who lacked peace of mind helped me sort out a lot of things and as abnormal as it may seem, the difference kind of relationship is more supportive than others. Maybe it was the timing, and the special attention was a give and take, and continuous to be a positive one.

Now on to the desperate ones who might need special attention but mainly from a mental health professional. As many are left without treatment, to include yours truly (ah, well) the ones that are controlling seem to want more attention than they deserve as they don't reach out, place boundaries, and dance around people. Not everyone can be fooled all the time, and the need of such people is fed by unhappiness. Though some may have a savior complex, a holier than thou attitude, and are profuse with their complaints about the smallest things, they do need attention but maybe a cold glass of water may douse them back to reality.

Sunset in Samar (photo belongs to Maxi Quema) 

As the continuing story of the man who drives himself to the empty pit of loneliness goes on, the mediocrity of what I had favored has jolted me, making it impossible for the trap to make me fall prey again. It's not a matter of pride, it is a matter of standing firm on the ground, holding on to what I deserve, which is better than the cruel words and lack of sympathy. Since being needy for too long isn't my thing, when I stood up again stronger, the resentment is noted. Simple, I don't need people in my life, as I don't want to use  them. I want people in my life, to be part of my life, and peace above anything else. As I heard him clamoring for attention the other day, there is no olive leaf from me, as I do not want to give hope nor do I want to endure what I did ever again.

Special attention. I saw the unspoken command that was ignored. I heard the statements being made. I saw the effort to ignite jealousy. And I saw the bitterness that pervaded the attitude. I saw how the other person reacted, after saying something else to do something else. I see the lack of eye contact. I hear the emptiness, devoid of sounds of laughter. And know, 100 percent, that it is because of me, and I am glad to say, please proceed with your joyless lives with all the limitations that bog your hearts and minds. Kindly see the lovelight in my eyes ignited by saying yes to life - and people who take control of unhappiness to stop pain from dominating. As the days and nights seem to be tied together for some due to a mediocre life, let me be, as I am happy without the complicated demands that have no real returns.

Have I said enough? My Taipan had said, "Never say never as never is a long time." So I say, "Always."

Life is as beautiful as we make it. I saw a post about appreciating what is there, what is wonderful now, instead of yearning for better things to come. With this, I retire for the night, warm in the glow that comes with the flow from caring that is real. Having poured out my thoughts with this and many other posts, please don't judge or try to look deeper into what I have revealed. After all, I am a writer and these are my stories to weave.

Making the Effort

We think that when we do make the effort, the person would reciprocate. Oftentimes, this isn't the case. So, the thing to do is to relax and let things come naturally, as it is when attention and other things are freely given that we will know that the person does care for us.

Many times we desire that the one we like does like us back. There are those who do and are controlling - and we might have fallen into the trap where we experience being bewildered, confused, and we have to keep on trying to please that person. That trap is lined with pain - and that isn't love, it is simply a control thing, keeping one in a state of obligation and then to note that we have to do more on our part to keep the relationship going, being burden by "guilt trips" and statements that are belittling. Though support might be there, it is rather conditional, and so in trying, we lose ourselves.

Desperate. I know someone who at the point of feeling low about how the relationship turned out, grabbed a hold of someone who paid attention and had the right words to say. The one that was liked was way below the standards and so in the end, when the relationship was force ended as the realization dawned that it won't work out and that the person was a user, the regret is there. Words are empty and actions does speak louder than words though there are words that must be said, such as apologies and commitments.

Is it worth it? There are many relationships that simply fall into place. The comfort level is there. When one tries to level up the relationship, it might not happen as the other person may not have the same thing in mind. At that point in time, even if it is worth it, one has to keep the dignity and if the person does want a different kind of relationship, it can happen, but not because we are the ones making the effort, the effort has to come from the other person.

One of my daughter's once posted in their Facebook status that I, as a mother, had never clipped their wings. I firmly believe that to love someone is to set them free, as they have their own lives, and to be part of mine must be voluntary, because they want to be with me, not because I demand or oblige them. This goes for most relationships that I have, and it is most lovely when it does happen and the person is there for me.

Making the effort. When we hurt, we must assess. How much effort have we made for the relationship to work out? What effort has the person placed into making us happy? What are the compromises, sacrifices, and is the commitment real? Then we will know, as we stand away from the pain inflicted, that though we hold our hearts to protect ourselves, there are relationships that are good, supportive, and do not include pain.

No Longer Listening

Observing the results, knowing that the consequences of the actions and lack of action has made a person become uncomfortable in my presence and it is like that person is guilty of something or maybe their emotions are overwhelming, though I firmly believe it is pride that makes the rift become much bigger that it should be. 

At this point in time, due to the pain that was inflicted and the unbelievable attitude that make me wonder why in heaven's name one can think they can control others by a look, and then I realized that after a while, when the wound has healed, no scar remains, as the pain is purely emotional, based on expectations that was actually based on the fact that there was trust on my part. 

Once the trust was shattered and the high notes of one who did not base the relationship on the need of the other, instead only fulfilling their own need to be needed, and since I got back on my feet, there was not acceptance instead the desire to be needed once more. Though I am grateful for that person being there, in retrospect, the underlying lie was the one that cracked the relationship. I have done my part as I did try to bridge the gap by being nice and still do try but without hardly any effort now, as the treatment should be one of acquaintance only - and what happened was that the person acts like in a card game, first it was pass, then game, then now that I have folded and am no longer interested in playing anymore, the tragic fact is that that I see that the regret is there - and it's not my regret, nor it is it my tragedy, nor is it my problem as I am no longer listening. Tuned out, no longer want to play games, talk to me straight. 

Short of pathetic, I hear him talking about a topic that only I would be interested in to other people as I am within hearing range. The volume got higher and the speech pattern was clearer, and being attuned to many things, I notice and inside I wonder why and know why I can hear but am no longer listening as aside from the underlying lie that broke my trust, another thing happened that confirmed that my confiding to a friend became information gathering and so I planted a lie and that was broadcasted so effectively that it did serve the purpose.

In reflection, relationships that are founded on an underlying lie or maybe a motive such as money, comfort, control, climbing the social ladder, are that for Nokias, who are people that are user-friendly. Though I don't mind being useful, a user-relationship does dissolve through time and that is good as it should not be the case.

Author's note: I had not published this one yesterday, as I thought I might have been sour graping but then after a good night's rest and reviewing it, I realize that I did not. And, though second and third chance should ideally always be given, if I feel empty when giving and it is a constant sacrifice, plus that the control factor of the relationship is constricting, then I am not longer "present".

No people were used in the process of creating this post.

My Food and Beverage Anxiety Triggers

I can eat a lot though it doesn't show that much. I can also drink a lot. I love eating and drinking yet often have to say no to many of my favorite things. 

When asked by a friend what triggers my anxiety, I knew the answer. What mostly triggers my anxiety (aside from negaTrons around me) are certain food and beverages and/or lack of it. 

As alcoholic drinks suppresses the suppressant, as my late husband used to say, controlling one's emotions, or shall we say, libido, while drinking is possible, especially if you aren't interested. Downing too much results in a hangover the next day. Drinking too often does bring up the tolerance level. Yet, in my personal opinion, drinking does not cause my anxiety, it is other triggers that bring it on. 

Water is vital for health. Other beverages like juice, especially the non-sugary kind, does help. Then we have our other favorite beverages like coffee and tea with the guidelines of limiting the intake of coffee to 3 cups a day, and for tea, I don't know and maybe drinking endless cups of Japanese green tea is good for the health but of course, all things should be taken in moderation. Milk is another thing to drink and it's not just for babies. Most of us know how much water we should drink in a day and a while back, I had advised a friend to drink at least 8 glass of water a day and it was surprising how it became a positive thing as he did not only take it upon himself to do so but encouraged others to do so also. I don't really like saying things and giving out advice as we all know that we should drink water, choose healthy juices, regulate our caffeine intake, lessen or completely eliminate drinking soda, have a calcium intake, and though I have a high intake of water as I nearly always have a glass of ice water on hand, and admittedly, take a sugar-free energy drink that I so totally love because of the 1,000 mg of taurine that it contains, making me feel that my brain is "limitless" like the movie, lately I have been careful to giving out advise as hey, people should already know what they are doing wrong and since I am not that perfect (ehem) I hesitate, though I do know that coffee does give me anxiety, especially if the cup is not a good brew and ultra strong. 

With the coming back home of one of my daughters, Maxi, who is into healthy food and with my youngest child, Almond, being that way too, the food that is being cooked and served at home is leveling up in inventiveness. I made lemon pepper chicken with instant noodles and green beans, Maxi made tofu spaghetti with carrots and green beans, and Almond made marsala chicken with vegetables. Today, I made boiled ground beef with cabbage, simmered with onion leeks and peppercorns. 

Spaghetti with tofu and veggies

Mushroom moringa milky pasta 

 My main problem is that I only eat when I am hungry, though I try to change that by making sure I eat at a certain time, and today, I did indulge in junk food which is a filler and the munching makes me feel better, as it is what my Dad used to call, "nervous eating" when he would eat nuts and his other favorite snacks. 

Having stepped out often since April, again, I noted that healthy food and beverage choices are not easy to make with the number of restaurants, especially fast food places, that serve such good (and mostly fried) food. I haven't cooked fried chicken that often since Dad passed away, as I hardly stock up on oil, so when out, the allure of those fast food places is strong. And, having this thing that my kids call my "potato fix", I do have to eat French fries, mashed potatoes, and the occasional hash brown. To find good vegetable dishes while eating out isn't that easy, though the small stalls have these, the options are to eat Chinese, Korean, and Filipino food, and opting to have a salad or a rich tomato soup in other places. Comparing iced teas, some are too sweet, while others are just right, and though there are natural juices, the sweeteners should be considered. 

Then the sweet stuff that most of us crave for. That sugar high doesn't last that long and it does trigger my anxiety, making me crash after, and that was when I just had to drink Coke with every meal. I was able to get rid of drinking Coke and no longer buy it for the house unless there is a special occasion. Ice cream is one of my favorite things and during this year's summer, I had ice cream nearly every day. 

Going on a diet is an every day decision and it's not easy. For me, it is a combination of drinking a lot of ice water, limiting sweets and not buying these, choosing the fruit option, eating vegetables as often as possible, taking small and frequent meals, not buying junk food regularly, limiting my coffee intake to a cup a few times a week, detoxing regularly, walking, standing after eating and choosing to stand instead of sit, and other things done for a healthier lifestyle. I try not to preach though as I do have my failings and it is my personal decision to avoid food and beverages that bring about my anxiety attacks, and though I am sometimes weak and give into those delectable temptations, it becomes an indulgence instead of a constant thing. 

As I was planning what to cook for dinner today, my thoughts drifted and I ended up making a questionnaire:

How often have you said you will diet?
How many glasses of water do you drink?
How many servings of fruits and vegetable do you have in a week?
How many fried dishes and sweet treats do you have weekly?
What are your beverages of choice?
Do you eat a lot of junk food?

This list of questions can go on and on, and I may provide advice but then, as most people know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to food intake, then no matter what I say, it is a personal decision to make the changes and it is a good idea to start making the changes, today. 

Risk-Free Love

I trekked home early yesterday. The rainy weather made me want to lie down and rest, and as I had to buy butter and the walk back to where I usually hang out was a hassle because of the rain, it was time to go home. And today, as I stayed in as the rains were strong like the past few days and since I could, I made a local Mojito using Tanduay white run, local mint, a bit of sugar, and orange juice. It was quite good and then I fell asleep late in the afternoon to wake up after dinner time and it was nice to see that my daughter had cooked dinner which was lemon-pepper chicken fried in butter. Ate this with kimchi and since tomorrow never dies when there is extra rice, I am revitalized, getting much needed rest and food intake. Made a cup of tea as there is no longer any coffee at home, the mind doesn't stop working, does it? Not brain dead, though today was productive, I am at a point in time that I don't want to make any decisions as it is just today that I wish to think about.

I have been worried indeed about something. And, blame it on anxiety. Ah, and to make matters worse, there is another thing that has been troubling me and I will have to check on this matter. Though it's been great overall, I have no complaints, it must be me, and though I do have so many things that I must and can do, what I want to do is at the top of my mind and heart. Still, in knowing that we can't push things, that time is on our side, that tomorrow the sun will shine even if there are rain clouds that cover it, and people do come into our lives for a reason, I try and blog away my thoughts so I can focus, which doesn't really work that well but at least - venting is good.

Going back to the title, as I randomly strayed, again, from the topic that was to be written, risk-free love is on hand. Maybe it's because I missed my pet Bailey, maybe because I was recently hurt as my friend said, "Waiting for a plane at the pier." and in knowing that the person does miss me and is in a weird form of regret, maybe because my plans are to keep busy, and for sure because of my anxiety, I must make the positive changes today to pave the way for happiness, and yes, today I was happy, content, quiet, and tomorrow is still a maybe, so let's see, as letting go means just to set things free, and hey, love songs do get written, and this one song sounds like the love was risk-free.

My Jack Russell-Shihtzu wants to stay on my lap. She is triple the weight of my toy poodle, maybe even more. I have picked her up and she is trying to dig the chair and is moving about. Now, dogs offer risk-free love, too, and I do guarantee that is possible with human relationships, too. My pet needs cuddling and so do I, and yes, to give things, love, friendship, and all those things a chance, to be alive. 

Ain't no risk now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you.

Rainy Days and Cat

Aside from the stray cats that my kids used to pick up and take home to care for, I have had two pet cats in my life, one of which was a Persian cat named Ming and another one that was a Siamese cat that we called Crookshanks. The character of these two felines were worlds apart as Ming was like a stuffed toy and Crookshanks meowed a lot like he was talking and was very active.

I like pets and though my heart was recently broken because my toy poodle passed away, there are the other animals that I won't forget such as Chowder who was a long haired Guinea pig and the two Chinese chickens who I called Sun and Moon. The number of rabbits that I have owned made me give up on taking care of them though I do love rabbits, though they don't live that long. There was a time that I took care of hamsters and had over 40 of them - and my maid got feed up and told me to sell all, so I did, because one of the bit my big toe while I was lying down in my room where I set them all free to run around to play.

Listening to music this rainy afternoon is relaxing and the rains from the past days has helped me wash away the tears from my eyes as I do miss my pet Bailey. Working, writing, hanging out with friends, baking, all of these things I have been doing lately so I am busy and when it comes to the time that I rest or like now write, there is a space for her that is now blank. Though I have two other dogs, one which has taken over her place beside me in my bed and the other one that loves to stay on my lap while I type, Bailey is, by far, the pet that I loved the most.

Not time to make the change as there will be healing as time passes. I do know that I have to go and do things, and yes, I am enjoying the changes in my life but for today, this rainy afternoon, I am taking a break so that I may enjoy the solitude that us writers need to think, feel, so we may us it in what we write, while listening to Cat Stevens song about how real the differences of opinions are between a parent and a child. 

Enjoying the Changes

For a long time, I have been online, yet lately decided to make changes and step out more often. It started by playing Bejewelled the whole night and my partner then would be super mad, telling me to go to sleep. I didn't follow him and he gave up. The fascination of being online has always been there - and now WiFi is like the air that I breath at home.

Stepping out had been confusing at one point as the "atmosphere" cannot be controlled. Online and at home, I don't have to deal with anyone I don't want to and can evade reacting until I am ready. I did miss out on a lot of things and to gain friends and keep old ones, I had to step out. It was indeed confusing, starting off with noise pollution, then the smell of the city, the trash, then the effort that it takes to dress up and look good, and some days, I just want to be comfortable and see that many of my friends don't care how I look.

So to prevent confusion, I have been more selective, though the selection comes after spending time with the person. It is good to have great company and share laughs, though I do get rather depressing after a few big doses, it does go both ways, sometimes. It's more fun nowadays, having the time to talk and chill, and since I have been out more often, I did miss out on a lot of contests and promos but then I realized that the bonds I have made online are strong, also.

Irreplaceable. That is most probably the keyword of this entire post. Though I have a lot of friends, places to go to, things to do, each and every individual that I care for is irreplaceable. And, with a few tweaks to this music video, like the word love and all that romantic pressure play, it hold true to what I have stated, for my peace of mind, my feeling settled, and that happiness. For all things are a decision and it is a decision to be happy. 

Non-Acidic Civet Coffee: Perfect Java Jolt

Presented in a tea-bag unique steep method, rather than miss out on a hot cup of java because the tummy is turning due to acidity or settling for that mediocre non-acid coffee that tastes so watered down, there is non-acidic coffee that'll allow you to drink as much as you want without the gurgling feeling of gassy pain. and it taste so awesomely great! 

"Masarap ang mainit na Barako Sibet kape kapag umuulan." 

- Al Serrano, owner, Barako Haus 

BF Homes Paranaque, Phase I, near Pizza Hut

How the Civet Coffee at Barako Haus is made. Unique steep!

Civet coffee is currently the most expensive coffee in the world. For that fantastic cup of java which is what Queen Elizabeth drinks and is the most-sought after in the world, at half the price of  the other Civet coffee available in the Philippines, get that perfect cup, hot or cold at Barako Haus, BF Homes, Paranaque. 

If and when it happens, it will

How can one miss something that they don't have?

Dwelling on the past does have adverse effects and yet, the memory of a love lost does bring that good feeling, like when eating your favorite chocolate. What I have come to realize is that love, romantic, passionate, and all that jazz, is one that has the highs and lows. We all know that yet should pain be part and parcel of loving?

No. I did try to study that pain and even lived with it, with relationships that were based on the emotional factor. Filling the need or shall we say the desire to want someone in our life, we seek, get found, and thrive. Yet, as in all relationships, people do fail to meet our expectations, and even when we say we don't expect, we do.

So what happens is that we surge forward, holding on. It is time to let go, again, and again, to live free of expectations that do turn into pain when disappointed. Forgiveness is another factor that comes into play and in all humility, it should happen, yet, it isn't easy especially when we decide to harden our hearts.

The difficult part of having past broken and lost relationships is the hardening of the heart. Instead of going with the flow, the mind takes over, saying "No!" let us evade the situation, falling in love hurts, that bad experience will happen again, and yes, that is anxiety which as I said before, I well know. Our emotions overwhelm with joy of a love found, the times together and then, due to past experiences, the trust gets diminished. not because of what the person did but because of our past experiences. Give it a break.. give the person a chance... and as we hold our hearts in control, flowing into it does not happen.

I firmly believe my heart will not harden when it comes to giving love a chance yet - I have closed the door for now. Waiting for a knock won't happen as that person should have the key. As my mind thinks, decisions made and yes, it is best to let things go as I do not want to hope or even feel, as control is the keyword in a lot of matters and hey, who am I to say that I don't lose control?

In the solitude of writing, my heart is yearning for that zen mode to come again. The deep thoughts, the flow, the fluidity, the writing with passion, the imagination, the focus that brings about some of the best written work. Is this living? Is it making a living? Is being a writer a hindrance to loving? I don't think it is and yes, I live to write as this makes me alive.

As we try to make the illusion of love real, I sadly shake my head. I know it is real as I have had the love of my life. Is there going to be a new one? For now, I don't know and I don't care because if and when it happens, it will. No blank space. 

  

Back to Regular Programming

Same time, same channel. There is something reassuring about consistency and though my back aches right now and my right arm aches slightly from CTS, I have to blog. My mind keeps on working and I do have to write these things down as there has been a lot of changes in my life  - and the best one was brought about by a friend (and friends) who is/are consistent, strong, trustworthy and yes, it's the same time and same channel kind of feeling.

As anxiety rears its ugly head often enough in my life, due to others and even my own repeated thoughts, I sometimes get my own encouraging words to my friends being repeated to me. Like work and pray and know that God by His grace and mercy will give it to us and that Law of Attraction thing that if we work towards a goal, it will be true. The universe has been kind and the vibes have been good and more laughter fills my days and nights, and it is from an unexpected source that has been the turning point. 

There was a point(s) in time that I didn't feel strong enough and even avoided the conflict(s) after I had stood up and fought, held my stand, and seemingly threw in the towel as I did my best, and now, for a few of the issues that I have encountered, see that I did win. Though I admit that there are mistakes on my part, some done because of anxiety and some unintentionally, some due to stupidity like the duh things I do.  

I have heard a lot of advice and the best kind, like tomorrow always comes, live for today, forget the past, and all that, though the most effective was the ones that I heard from that friend who did state things that are true to what I feel such as about getting over things is not that easy and forgetting isn't also - though I forget the exact words, the statements rings with the truth or more like in accordance of what I feel.

A normal placid day with regular programming can become boring. What makes our life different is how we live it. I love to face challenges though I know when I can't handle things anymore. We decide what to do with our lives and for me, it is never the pursuit of money, nor entertainment, glory and other things, it is simply to be happy. A constant, consistency, amidst all the stressors of daily life, and not from seeking outside to cover the loneliness, as I do have my writing also, but to seek from within, and in thanks for the support that brings one up when they feel down - in the hope that I also do that for others.

Here's a song from one of my favorite singers, Sting, entitled, When We Dance. Very romantic and though I know that romantic love exists, it is one that is constant that makes us feel settled.

 

Bailey: Her Spirit Came Back

On June 30, 2015, my pet dog, Bailey, a toy poodle, was put to sleep. It was a decision that I had to make and in her critical state and the pain that she was in the night before, it was the best decision to make. 

Bailey at Casa de Carlo, Tagaytay

Though my heart is not heavy from having to decide, what my children had feared the most of how I will be affected when I do lose her, did happen and having been missing her so much since that day, I saw her in my dream state before I woke up. 

I saw Bailey when she young and healthy. She had a limp leg for a long time due to an accident. The Bailey that I saw walking into the living room from the open yard door was when she was most beautiful. It lasted for just a few seconds and I know she is here in my home, continuing to be with me. I bring flowers to her grave, she was constantly with me as I brought her as often as I can as she loved going out. 

With tears streaming now, I do miss my Bailey. She starts my day as we step out into the street and when it is late afternoon. She has so many people who know her by name and she was called a good and well behaved dog who never barks when we are out. She guarded the house, sounding intruder alerts twice, and that was able to save us. 

Bailey saved me from loneliness. She gave me happiness, unconditionally. I was able to give her a happy life and when I took her home from the first vet check that day she died, after I gave her the pain reliever, she was wagging her tail, and she did so a number of times when I called out her name while she was in her dog bed. When she refused to drink and was beginning to flop in my arms, I rushed out of the house, carrying her wrapped in a t-shirt in my arms. As we went to the vet, I could feel her fading away, and I knew I was losing my beloved pet. Silently screaming, I was in pain as I felt her life going away as I carried her in my arms and when we got to the vet, I gave up, let her go. I let her go and I couldn't be in that room, not inside, standing outside with tears falling, pacing. Taking her home in a box, a sympathetic man who also lost his dog that day, did the task of digging and burying her. I bring flowers to her grave, walking around the area to pick a couple, and yes, today, she is here back in my home, as she does have a soul, a spirit, as she was alive. 

Letting go is difficult. There is no one or no dog that can take her place. I can say that I am happy to have her as part of my life - and I miss her so much that it aches. I love you, Bailey. 

Bailey with my daughter, Sarah, who owned her.