The drudgery that is a tradgedy: life-changing is not going to happen, right?

We live for certain days when all is nice and perfect but during these pandemic times, those days are few and far between. Still, there are good days that happen and there are moments that take our breath away, and we become overwhelmed with delight and gratitude. 

Don't ask as the answer will be no 

Perhaps during the various stages of this crisis, the worst has happened when I simply followed. There is no one to blame but myself as we do have uncertain times and nothing is written in stone. Faith, hope, and believing all meltdown into one fabulous package. Still, the trust is there, no matter what the fails. Releasing such things brings about a lightness of feeling and as much as we have experienced also being rejected and scorned when we are down and out, other people can feel that also. So, just be nice and steady, as that is the way the cookie crumbles. 

Yet, in turning around and being stuck in a situation, beseeching for help is difficult. There are some that are easy to talk to while others that we dare not even ask. At what point in time does it turn into a demand? At what point in time will a person become a nag?

When needs are not met, it is natural to look somewhere else. 

Why is it like that? I guess... I triggered off someone by saying, hello, I don't see the sacrifice. Why does it have to be me to sacrifice.. so I have wonderful Facebook posts and seem like it is a grand life, and yet I withered away, dragging myself up from self-pity as there is hardly any pity left in the hearts of those who must be there but aren't really there. It pains me, yet, do not ask as the answer will be no, as truly, there is minimal care, and it's like a bad joke, you know, and no one is laughing. 

The past two days have brought about a rise in... shall I say, interest? Why is it like that? Is it the cold weather with Valentine's just around the corner? I get a message demanding my reason... Bump into someone and get a play... Please, not my cup of tea, not him, and not with me. I would rather watch CNN. The most hilarious was the evasive move of a bee-factor, in a hurried attempt not to cross my path. Why, what did I do? I am not guilty or whatever is going through the radical mind, it doesn't matter coz I am not interested, either. 

Haven't been going to that area, but I had to do so today. The last time I went there it was much more pleasant, as I got to talk to the ones that I wanted to, and it was pleasant exchanges. Geez, this New Year seems to throw a wrench in things, but then, I step back and breathe. It has been difficult, far more difficult than I have ever experienced before. There are limitations that I have such as my arm aching, and I simply accepted the change and move my thumb, and cringed in pain. I was clogged up with a bad amount of phlegm, as it has been cold, and didn't tell a soul until I pulled myself out. I couldn't lie down on my back, and that has changed after a grueling sleepless night. 

Pleasant days 

Then, those pleasant days that could be as simple as my grandchild dropping by, and my dog learning how to poop on the bathroom floor and finally eating dog food, coz it was gourmet, and she only likes gourmet dog food. oh yes... simple thing and wonderful things and more, that keep me going. 

As I contemplate on going to a utility company tomorrow, it is not easy to decide. Budget wise, I would be hanging on a limb, but my concern that I have to fix is making me hang on a noose. I dread the cold morning and the time that I would have to leave. I dread it yet dread the consequences, even more, still I hesitate. 

With the acceptance that all things hoped for are just that, and those rose-colored glasses have already fallen to the bottom of a river, there are still pleasant days, and I am grateful. Life-changing isn't going to happen until we release whatever restrictions we have in our mind, and actually see that the limitations that are not physical is what we bind as our limitations.