As the prices of fresh food escalate in the groceries, I make it a point to go to the market as often as possible. It's a bit further from home and entails quite a bit of a trek for me to get to buy my other requirements like medicine, but with the savings obtained from buying meat like beef, and basic essentials like onions, it is well worth it. The prices at the grocery make fresh fruits burn a hole in the pocket and rather than spend exorbitant amounts on a bunch of bananas, I prefer not to buy there. But the comfort level of going to the grocery is surely an advantage for me but trained to be frugal by default, it is off to the market for me.
A trip to the market
It was the day after Christmas. I watched as a lonely calamansi rolls off the vendor's stand, and walk by to see the overflowing produce, left unsold even if it is late in the afternoon. It's a frogger game to move about in the sidewalk, evading potential virus-laden people who might be positive but we have come to the point of not caring at all. Moving on with a mask and a face shield that is propped up on the head like a cap, unbreathable air quality, not due to the usual market smell but because of the virus.
Where is the fear?
It does not exist. Driven by hunger, and yes, that is the reason. It's a common sight, those pandemic sad eyes, the no staring at the face, the slow walk, and then, when even the fat has visibly lost weight. So many thin people, haggard, as the sword of Damocles hangs over our head and then the impending electricity bills that have made the whole country become more upset when the bills were computed incorrectly. So, it is January, and the bills have to be paid, and good news comes that there is a refund based on overcharging since 2017 - which is then swept away and brings us down much lower to find out that the evilness of the Meralco includes us having to pay for being undercharged for another section and it will cost more.
Driven by hunger.
Driven by cravings. Strife brings about wanting to eat well. It is ridiculous to think that we can eat a fiesta daily or that rich food is to be served on the table always. The pandemic has brought about the option to give up buying our favorite brands for the less expensive brand, or the same brand with the less expensive options. I did a line reduction from Gardenia classic to their NueBake, but it did not have the thickness I prefer, so I changed to buying their soft pandesal. Exploring other options suchs as from Purefoods to their Star brand is not for me, as I am accustomed to the distinct taste of Purefoods. However, it made me try Swifts, and it turned out to be quite good.
Driven by cravings.
Oh, what the samguypsal of the Koreans has done to us. It's the dream indulgence during the pandemic life. For that divine unlimited meal, samguyp is king. Hence, many a table had a cooker in the middle during Christmas and New Year, with their own version of DIY samgyup, and so did I and my daughter, who discovered that nearly all the veggies of samguyp have the same basic marinade which is composed of garlic, sesame seeds, sesame oil, and soy, so she made kangkong into a samgyup side dish.
Driven by stock.
This is, for me, the worst part of the pandemic life. Those summer days were the worst, and even now that it is crunch time, it is surely a horrible experience. When it was difficult to go into the grocery coz of the long lines and the limited capacity, it became not just panic buying but buying to not go back. Panic buying turned into another peg, like completing all that was on the list. Learning how to do without, maybe bread and opting for crackers instead was my adjustment, as the bread shelves would be either empty or you would be stuck with having to buy the most expensive kinds or brands that you don't want to eat.
Since before Christmas, with the difficulties that I have encountered, my kitchen has been driven by stock and I don't like it. Practicality has its limits and it's been too long since I have been alleviated from the rabbit hole I went into. So, I didn't buy ordinary soy sauces coz I have teriyaki, Korean soy, oyster sauce, and another kind of Korean sauce.. Adobo has changed its dimension? No, I didn't cook that. With a whole load of butter, I didn't buy oil but that also does not work for cooking some food items, so I use the grill, however, that also becomes lame. Turning again to making the undisputable major changes that drove me into a deep depression, so deep that I sold my Christmas tree and it made it become a pain relief, the changes addressed the survival mode, and my fitting into my favorite pair of pants again.
How I wish there was a hotel event that I could go to. How I wish there was a tech event. How I wish that I could blog about restos again. So, I made my own food bit then, practicality and cooking for one made it an overflow that is impossible for me to like. From a pack of macaroni, I made two dishes, and ate that five times. I now hate macaroni. I bought ramen, and ate one pack three times, and now I balk at ramen. I have fish, and up to now, I am down to the last piece, same with hotdogs. Variety cost and I have to make it through until I find another source of income because I think I have been royally ripped off, but then, how can I squeeze blood from a stone?
This morning addresses a backtrack into the endearing days of my life. I woke up at dawn. In letting go, I do not turn rancid nor bitter. Having high expectations amounts to nothing but disappointment. Expecting value and fair treatment will ensure that it will not happen from no maintenance, especially from those who seek their luxurious level of life. Being meek is the solution, downtrodden as it may seem, even comparing the misfortune of others to mine provides no solace at all. Divine hurt is something that is placed in an index card of my mind, and as the illusion that there is not enough is waved, then I realize, that there will never be enough as even return is not possible when I am in need.
Comes to light during this pandemic strife are the offerings that are made, some are real, some are delayed. Perhaps the truest one is from that one who has nothing at all, is wiped out, in the worst situation, and sacrificed to give me my Christmas. Then, there is the one that is there, who has the readiness peppered with curt advice and makes sure I don't drop. Then, the attorney that makes the effort to call me out of my stupor, knock on the door for me to move, and, yes, saved me from the major problems I am facing, and it isn't over yet.
Such is life, and taking the good with the bad in stride makes up for it, as my love makes excuses for others in my mind, making their failing me a matter of allowing them to do so, and accepting that it is the way it is. Everyone has their own beat and keeping expectations low means that there is no disappointment. Do the drop, it's a dance step in this rigodon of society that makes it necessary for many to have the utmost comforts of life, and achieving their peg for their own goals that means their success.
As I will defrost the last piece of fish later, knowing that what I have on hand is from the value of a couple of people who struggle, it brings it all down to mindfulness. It's my best friend that tells me off and forcing me to accept a gift. It is my arm pain that is gone that I will bring back again. It's this blog post to drive me back to writing, as I have finished books that I have left unpublished, weighing if my life work of the culinary dictionary is to be a website, and if my guide to learning Tagalog should be an app. It's mindfulness, and I have been said to overthink, but it's the little things that count that make me go on from day to day. In my life, have closed a lot of doors, and in the lockdown mode, want sometimes to close more, except that there are some who need me in their lives.
When my depression hit, I wondered, is this being bipolar? Or is it the cutting edge of a knife? Stoic, only forcing myself to eat because of my dog who is accustomed to eating when I do. Turn and justifiably, I can point the blame, but it is useless to do so. Up to now, the many facets of pain, it still lingers in my mind. Will it be addressed by repeated words? Will it be addressed by strife? Will this pandemic ever be over? What I want... what I need. What do I have?
A can of sardines that I refuse to open. I do not want to eat that. Ran out of dried fish in stock. A few eggs and my new recipe for flan. Some frozen food, and it is food stock. Too much ground coffee I do not drink, more tea than I will ever drink, and half a bottle of Soju. A lot of worries, so I started deep skin peeling my face, much to the horror of one daughter, but I reminded her that I had a skin peeling clinic before. Skin peeling is perfect during the pandemic, as I can wear a mask. Removing the wrinkles from my face, the open pores, the fine lines, and the sign of aging, as I cannot have my usual diamond peel done.
Pandemic life. It's the world of DIY. It's budgeting, bartering, and smart purchasing. And, it is, right now, horrible life of strife, and I want my samguyp life back.
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