A trun for the worse? Try triple lockdown

 Solutions are a-plenty, especially if you listen to advise. But, there is a lot of advice flying about, and ultimately, it will dictate your life. During these times, our pandemic days and night, we are, in more ways than one, on a lockdown. 

An intense discussion with those who are poor reveals more about the lockdown that many will understand. Some get bored, some want their routine back, others bewail their misfortune, while there are those that thrive. There are those who survive, and then, what was highlighted, during a discussion, was hunger. 

It is ok if the children are kept at home as long as they have food. 

I often think of the good old days in the terms of pre-pandemic. It was the time that we could travel without concerns about getting ill and how my grandchild used to attend events with me. It was fun, how I would go out and made a strong circle of blogging friends. 

Convo recalled:

You hang out and gossip? 
We don't have time to gossip as we are busy at the event and looking for more events. 
You mean you don't discuss such things, like about your neighbors, family, and friends? 
Sometimes, when it is very important, just to vent. 
So what do you talk about? 
Food, blogging, our tokens, next event. 
You don't talk about other people?
Of course, we do, but it is information sharing, not gossip. 

That was not so long ago, but it seem so long ago. 
Moving forward, moving on. Move on. 

The stagnant days though lovely, were tasked to be a routine. A routine that has fulfillment, yet the time spend was golden, in many ways, such as treasured memories. However, there has to be progress? Nope... there has to be no regress? Maybe. There are moments that to try to reach out in understanding makes it sad to think about the mess, the sadness, the insecurity, and the hurt left behind... but then again, it might be a figment of imagination or wishful thinking, or perhaps, the limitations. We make excuses. 

Love makes excuses. 
Love is forgiving. 
Love does not seek to hurt. 

So much falls into the category of love, try a triple lockdown. 

Sacrifice so others can stand. That lockdown the budget. 
Stay at home, voluntarily. That is the anti-virus lockdown. 
Make a commitment. Another lockdown. 
So what is so wrong about being locked down? 

Freedom. Lack of freedom. But take note, even when there is freedom and there is that hunger, then, it is a lockdown on its own. 

Here I go again, writing to make myself cry. As the index cards of my mind have files that fly, joining the bits and pieces, the warmth of this hoodie during this cool January morning and the quiet makes me like the lockdown, as I am a writer. 

So there are unpublished books that I have, and what to do with them, I do not know. The net is flooded with books. Applied for work, got approved for one while waiting for other responses. Is that really what I want? I need to earn. 

What did I get myself into? Do I not learn from the past? It wiped me out then, and now. I didn't need a crisis, I didn't need a pandemic, I didn't need for a lockdown to happen to get into the point in time of yesterday. It's ok to be locked down as long as there is food. The choices I had to make, to budget, while listening. What makes my life change? What made my life change? Decisions. 

There can be no... kindness. That is the part that hurts. A plea to a blank wall is not heeded at all. So, it goes on, and on, and on, and forgiveness is a must. Yet, it is a triple lockdown. Coming to the point of being alone, afraid, and cold, what is there to hold on to? It's like... a little bit of this and that. Squat. It's what the squat and yes, I ain't falling for those lines again, but live through it, even if it hurts. 

We all have our moments that we throw in the towel. I have, I have, before Christmas. It comes with not the realization, as that is already there, but the acceptance that... they really don't care. So the memories become kind, eliminating the hurtful parts, as I walk around the room, thinking, it is but a sigh. 

Who am I?

Perhaps, I delude myself that I am vital in their lives, and maybe a dog would have better and more consistent care, surely I would prefer to be a dog. Neglect, it is that. It is the holding out. I know, but then, as I assess whatever it is that troubles me, it is... not a lack of trust but knowing that things are just the way they are. 

Let me put you on hold. 
The operator is still busy on the other line. 

So I lay down ill. Quiet. Went through it./My pants are so loose, it's the Filipino pandemic weight-loss program wherein we are one, trying to save on food. 

Trust me. 

One of the most difficult things is to dwindle. To ever think that it could be killing me, and so it had happened. I had to stand up and it was difficult, as I was getting pulled down. I could not handle it. So, there are long-term effects. Yet, we move on, forgive, and go on and on and on. 

Life is like that. Things happen.