Of the duhs of the heart days that continue

2.14.20. Waking up to a text has disadvantages. With loads of line of communication, the sound of a text does wake me up and at an unholy hour of 5 in the morning. After only having two hours sleep,  I simply looked and did not reply.

Why?

I dont deserve to be questioned as if there was right. I should provide an explanation if I wanted to but since it is.. I just don't want to. My mind was tired from working and I was just powering up to work again.

It is sad. I have been in that situation before and do want replies. But then, the same had been done to me and it won't and should not bother me. It is difficult to keep focus when... I just simply didn't want to.

When a person doesn't want to, there are a litany of reasons. Like water off a duck's back, we should just let things be. However...Perhaps it is because there is a lack of trust.

It must have been accumulated. By various experiences, different situations, different people. Then one incident that makes a a straw break the camel's back.

When I threw in the towel of pleasing someone for harmony,  not so long ago, it didn't make sense anymore.  Why should I dance. Why should I change. It might be disliked but it is me and what I do it is not a crime, not even a sin.

It's 3 in the morning and I just got another text. Perhaps open lines are good. Perhaps too much inter+fearing.

2.22.20 Back to the lack of trust peg. It is very difficult to rely on humans. Surely, a dog has the characteristics desired in people, but it is still a canine. You'll see when there is a litany of the virtues of a dog, that they don't drop you, even if you fail them. In the co-dependency, it is a working relationship with canines and humans, especially if the person does what they should.

The dawn breaks and my heart aches, waking up from slumber with tears isn't a good thing. So, I had to get rid of the musings that happen in my mind, uprooting index cards filed through time, and then the thoughts return to the times that relying on others to be there became a fail.

There have been experiences, tell me who hasn't had that kind of time? You'd think that there was a strong shoulder to lean on, then making adjustments in your life to make them part of it. I reflect on, perhaps, the trauma of the recent and not so recent, being plunged into situations that I had difficulty getting out of. When everything is fine.

We hear pleasant things that aid us in weaving a story in our mind, filling up the blanks with what our heart desires. Happiness is a peg that coordinates a full heart that gets the needs fulfilled, yet the mind balks with the realities, and sometimes, these two meet. Going back just one step, it was trash. To analyze and think of what happened is no longer to that tearful pity me, and wishing that it could be, but turns into churning and blood-curdling slow anger that is under control. With evasive moves, it is difficult to go back as there will be again, the judgemental peg, the anger of lack of control, but then, what was the investment, truly?

Yah got trust issues. Rightfully so, when indeed the half-empty glass is seen in a realistic point of view. How much of me.. then it is what makes happiness fall in place. We trust, we hope, that sincere words can become action, after seeing the situation, and I arise and realize that there is no strong shoulder, and it is mine that is leaned on. How much of me to take before it will be returned? Never mind as it is... perhaps it won't happen.

The house has come to a point in time that it is truly old. Minor repairs, the piles of stuff that don't belong to me, and a renovation would be in order. Then, the care that I have to give to myself, as I am pounding away online to get buy, then having my priorities. You'd think it would be fine if... yet, as the dream began to weave, it is inevitable that there will be failing, for, in fact, to wait for... what is the priority?

People invest in relationships in a multitude of ways. The most important investment is time. Though it cannot be expected to convert into money, or to food or other basic needs, it is the time to be together which counts. In achieving one part of a desire to sit down at sunset and watch the view, for companionship, then that disappears, looking back, it was the investment of time, then the priorities change due to the struggle, and perhaps, the aching mind. It is sad, but we move on to repair the pain and address it with practicality.

Emoticon moments when the dawn breaks bring about a tiredness as these hours are to be filled with the trying to no longer wait for more than words. Wanting to no longer wait, in looking back, how the world tumbled, and then, it was at that point in time, when placed into a situation that was invested in, the fail was not that of the change in the relationship, but a change in what was the priority.

In a more positive mindset, to remove the cobwebs of those index cards that are filed in my mind, those snippets remember the goodness and those times of happiness. Always to forgive humans for not being canines, and investing what can be given, which is time. As the reality hits, it is time to work, as there will be that need to spend on what is required.

So, investing time does not convert into... my friends are missing me, but let me backtrack on my line of thoughts as I got distracted. One dog jumped on my bed, the other has taken over the sofa, and my little grandchild has peered at me, and gave me a cut-out heart. She heard me drop the ice tray and the blocks crashed on the floor, as my hand does make things slip, and said ice, I am sorry.

My mind slips back to... it is saddening to leave someone that time was invested in. In closing doors, always leaving it unlocked and having a way to knock, it is emphatic to think of the pain of the other person. But, didn't I write this before? We think that they do, as words are said... and we see it and wish it, but then...

It is a chilly day, and it is pleasant. Tears that don't drop are from the musings in the head that convert into heartaches, surpassed by my arm ache. You'd think that leaving is easy, after being chased often to return. You'd think that it is easy to move on, and yes, it is.

We plant our time to invest in those who are worth it. Trust issues aside, people fail us for various reasons. It might upset our lives and turn it upside down when they are no longer there. Yet, as it is but human failure as against human error, we must trust again.

Now to work, fix things, and take care of myself, as I cannot fail those who trust me to be there, and those who I cannot leave.

Note: I decide to write another book this morning. Then, it is time that I publish the two books that I have on file. Next week.