Of depression and other things that matter

We glide through our days in hopefully mindful ways. However, there are setbacks that happen due to the various personalities that we encounter. It cannot be smooth sailing all the time. Inasmuch as we wish for all things to be in harmony, there are those that will create conflict inside us and make our emotions go on a rollercoaster ride. Such is being human, and then there is serving on a plate the trust issue.

It would be nice to think that it is possible to not be bitter but better. It is nice to decide in accordance with what is 'politically' correct. It is nice to plan things and look forward to the future. Yet, as we chase engagement levels for our banner ads to be clicked, then we go back into thinking that... it is to enjoy life?

For today has ended in a manner again that astounds me. I recall those times of light-years away and have a kind of hush in mind. Thre are comparative factors and when weighing it, there is one that wins hands down when it comes to effort. Then, there are the ones that are good, available, and better, then those outcast and blocked. Then, in a momentary recall, thus to pluck the heartstrings.

People come to you for moments to live. It should be filled with joyous laughter. It should be light and breezy. But the reality strikes in and it can become shallow. Long talks are depressing. It is horrible to have that but it happens, as long talks sooner or later lead to being talked to, when I wonder, why should it matter? Why should I answer?

In articles about what to do, it says that one should stand their ground. It is so boring to do so and it becomes tiring. Placing the best foot forward then thinking, I need to dye my hair, and why do I have blackheads?

To approach the cup as half-full and fill it with joy, when... for a long period of time, struck by pity, and then the failure, and wondering where it went wrong, for the trauma to remain. It was not the person, not that person, but the experience with another that created the fear.

Looking back, indeed, one is above comparison. Yet the steps back to a known path and steps to a new one is a difficult decision. In this hybrid of a life, keeping in mind that the fail and the sadness still bring out an occasional wail, it is unfair. It is unfair to package the experience and place it on someone else.

You'd think that the insights of Kahlil Gibran should be enough. You'd think that words should suffice. You'd think that trust from the effort placed in should be there. But, in the anxiety, it doesn't work out that way, even if things matter.

To call it a day, I pack and fold the cards on what I would like to do, and instead, place a pillow over my head. It can cushion a virtual blow and make me hide in my shell, in my comfort zone, where there is no conflict, and won't be any emotional upheavals as I know that my heart can't take it.

What to do? I have enough pain from my arm. I need care and to take care of it. There are again the limits, as my heart is broken.