That twisted red string of fate

 

The lights are all shut. It is 3 pm on a pandemic day. After a much ado about nothing convo, few tears shed in the usual girly way, I wonder, where did I go wrong? It cannot be just me, as it goes both ways. But moving on, the edits can no longer be done. 

The wonder of it all, like standing on the edge of a cliff. Believe that someone will catch you when you fall after saying jump. After falling, holding on to a branch for dear life, you look up and say, throw me a rope, and there is no answer. Not a sound, not an echo. 

Life has second chances. 

The very first time I saw him, I knew. I was being called repeatedly to come near. What stopped me then? The hesitation was clear. It was this very moment, now. It was that moment then when I looked up to the streetline sky and wondered what to do? How to endure these things? 

I cannot. I gave up. 

But in the desire to hope and keep believing that there was value, it strikes out as demanding. So be it, if one cannot speak up or ask. Life is like that. 

Remembering the time, not so long ago, when the needs were not met. How many doors have to close, or is it a lifetime of regret? To knock on the door of a heart made of stone...

Hello. It is there again. Here we go again. 

Such a pity, such a waste. Wait a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, until the end of my days, and then it may all be for nothing, except...

I can't trash it. 

I can't blame myself either. Today, it is clear. Save yourself; that's how much I love you. Go. Keep everything. How many times have I done that in my life? Left with far less, giving up all for the one that had said he loved me. Isn't it stupid? 

It is stupid. 

And, it's ok. The struggle for finances is real, but hey, at least it wasn't me who ran away with the funds. At least it wasn't me who stepped on someone. I didn't and won't. Keep it. 

As the walls tumbled down, I tore it down. No use in hoping. There are no regrets, as there was enough time given. It cannot be the ideal relationship if one is drowning and struggling for air while the other does not think about it today. It is pandemic. So, love dissolves, as it always does, into a sorry mess that no one wants to pick up. I made it a point as I cannot go on when broken. 

I cannot go on at my expense. It pains me and it slowly makes me get into a worse situation. I am not sorry. I just have to live. J am dying here.