Of Decisions

The mind is what makes us want to hold on and let go, be considerate, and so on.  There are factors like if it is physically impossible to stay apart, in pain... But, it is the mind that binds or breaks those unseen chains. 

A conversation 

Love is a feeling.

Me: Feelings change. 

So if love is not a feeling, what is it to you? 

Me: It's a decision. 

You mean love isn't passion? 

Me: Passion can turn into hate. 

You don't feel love? 

Me: I do. I mean to love is a decision. 

Aha. So you feel love. What do you decide?

Me: I don't know. It's not easy to make a decision. 

Choose. Tilapia or Bangus. 

Me: Bangus. 

Why bangus? It's got lots of small spines. 

Me: I love bangus. 

So you love bangus and can decide. 

Me: It's just fish. 

But what if tilapia was the only fish available?

Me: Then I have no choice. 

So what do you decide? 

Me: Not to buy fish. 

Will you make a decision? 

Me: No, I have to think. 

A flood of memories goes through my mind. Then, decisions are made. It all takes a commitment and to accept the challenges and hardships with the choices that we make. And, when I did make a decision, the offer was only valid based on feelings. It spurred again, however, as wonderful and as perfect as was, it is the internal conflict that makes it not possible, as I see the conflict, and until that time, it does not make sense to be more serious. It is difficult to entertain an offer when there is nothing more than feelings of passion and all the glory of romance, as the internal conflict will still be there. Feelings change. Love is a decision. It can change into indifference when the heart and mind decide together. The pursuit of happiness is not in the verification that someone loves you but in loving oneself. Letting go is easy. All it takes is a decision. People go insane because they hold on. We all have memories of beautiful times that turn into painful memories which can make us miss someone. However, we cannot live with a ghost. Neither can I be bitter, downplay a person, or talk about the past with extolling what was wrong with the other one, as it is wrong to do so. The new normal has brought about several changes in our lives. In mine, the realization that it is a lot more difficult to be content with scrimping and saving for the daily fare, so I let go of more things by bartering to have more delicious food. The pandemic brings about the thoughts of how little we need in this life, hence we declutter, not only things but also our relationships by keeping social distance from the ones who cannot add joy to our lives. It spurs relationships with people that bring about more than needing us in their lives but wanting us in their lives. Even with social distancing, we have support in more ways than one. It is sad, in a way. I never want to inflict pain on anyone, but things have to be done to provide closure for the mind to accept that it is no longer going to be me. Closure for those moments that will never be. In this life, I have learned that if someone wants to be in your life, they will knock and nearly break down the door, and do everything to be with you. And, in understanding, we all have our limitations, and I have had enough. Romance fills in the blanks, but love isn't a movie scene, it is a decision.